How to Achieve Wedded Bliss

Yep....I know it is hard to believe people.  But, as of today, I have been married to my hubby for 14 years.  Wahoo!  This also means that I must have gotten married at like age 8 year old, right????

So, we all know that NO ONE has the "perfect" marriage.  But, I am open to offering advice.  I mean, isn't that what this blog is all about?  Advice and warnings and general mundane life in general?  So, here are some of the key elements that keep my marriage healthy and happy:

1.  COMMUNICATION:  This is an obvious one.  But, allow me to let you in on a secret.  My husband doesn't even KNOW that I have this BLOG.  Yes, you just read that.  In fact, when eating with a friend one night, I told her this when she asked what my hubby thought about my blog...and she said THAT mere fact was funnier than anything I could ever write on the blog.  The fact my husband doesn't even know that I HAVE one. LOL.  Well, to be fair, there have been a few of you who (in his presence) have mentioned my blog....and my husband has literally asked "What's a BLOG?"  I (while usually motioning a cut throat sign to the person speaking) bark out something akin to "it's a Facebook thing..."  Because....he ALSO is anti-Facebook.  Not a clue.  No idea.  Cracks me UP!  His favorite quote is "Facebook Alert" which he yells EVERY SINGLE TIME that my phone rings, gets a text, gets a weather alert.....and to be clear I do NOT get "facebook alerts".  Doesn't matter.  He loves saying it.  And now my 6 year old says it too.  Touche, dear husband. 

So, in truth, communication IS important.  But, I mean not TOO much!  For instance, the things I SAY in this blog...he has lived through...and I have probably muddled through it with him 10 million times....he's OVER hearing and definitely not going to want to READ about it.  I am pretty sure that because I am so long winded (I like to call myself a "gifted storyteller") that our marriage survives because he has learned to tune out about 85% of the crap that comes out of my mouth.  Somehow he sifts through it all and gets the point...most of the time.  Of course, we DO have a child with severe food allergies and I have to leave more detailed directions for what my baby boy can eat/not eat and what to do in case of an emergency than I do for ANY 15 yr old babysitter.  So maybe a LITTLE more listening would do him well.  That said, I DO NOT want to hear a hole by hole recap of his golf game every weekend....or what the grain markets are doing....or how he needs to kill weeds in the yard.  Nope.  I filter him as well.  All is fair game.  So, yes, TALK people....just think about what is most important TO talk about!  lol

2.  BE WILLING TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND EMBRACE YOUR WEAKNESSES:  Both my husband and I know we are NOT perfect individuals.  We are willing to acknowledge areas that we fall short in life....for the most part.  Best examples?  My husband doesn't particularly like "people".  You may play golf with him every week...but that does not mean he really likes you.  You are just a golf partner.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.   I am pretty sure if I added up all words that he speaks during a round of golf it would not break triple digits....  When he comes home and says that he has been playing golf, if I ask, "With who?" and he says "With all my friends"....I know that means he has been playing ALONE.  This being said, he ACKNOWLEDGES this and makes an effort to be social for me (and social for golf as well, let's get real)....he is willing to bite the bullet and go out to eat with others, socialize, go to parties, etc.  None of this is for himself....he'd rather be home watching the Bourne Trilogy.  But, he does it for me...because he knows I have been with kids a good portion of my day and that if I don't get out on the weekends and dance now and again that I might implode.  On the other hand...what is my weakness?  I am pretty much ALWAYS wrong.  It's OK...I have come to terms with this.  My husband has a FREAKISHLY good memory.  If he says it happened...it did.  He says I said it?  I did.  I pick out an outfit and am questioning it...MOST of the time, he is right in his opinion (not always...but pretty close).  I am willing to sit back and wait for his answers before stepping forward...with big decisions especially.  He's good, I am telling you.  He knows what he is talking about in a ridiculous number of situations.  This.....I admire!

3.  AGREE ON NUMBER OF CHILDREN:  When Richie and I got married, he said 2 kids were max....I said 2 or 3...we'd wait and see.  Then I had lots of fertility issues.  I became the woman who WANTED to live in a shoe with so many children she didn't know what to do....mainly b/c that's how it works, you want what you can't have.  We were blessed with 2 beautiful girls.  Then, when hubby was clearly done and my body was screaming, "NO! ONE MORE! PLEASE!"....I pouted my way into "trying" for #3.  He was a good sport and a baby boy joined the familiy.  So, really, I guess the lesson here is not to really "Agree" but just decide how many kids you want and let them know later.  HA!  Not really....seriously...that could really blow up in your face....escpecially if you are married to a man who openly declares "I am doing all that I ever plan on doing.  Tapped out.  All yours, honey."  To his defense, my hubby has done more with our kids in the 8 short years of their lives than most men do in a lifetime.  So, again...all is fair.

4.  AGREE ON RELIGIOUS RAISING OF SAID CHILDREN:  We both knew before children that our kids would be raised Catholic and go to Catholic schools.  My husband had a GREAT graduating class and I really have enjoyed watching them grow and interact over the years -- even long after high school, they share a tie that my friends from high school and I might not have.  I personally attribute this to the fact that he went to church with his friends....  regardless....our kids go to Catholic schools.  But, really, that's the easy part.  The hard part?  Getting to church weekly...leading by example....showing kids they should be in the habit of church on Sunday (or Saturday night), being good stewards (teaching children't liturgy, taking up the gifts, etc), going to confession, etc.  It's really the first in that list that is hardest for us...GETTING TO CHURCH.  The 2 year old in this family has proven he SUCKS in church (Catholic church = NO NURSERY) .  He is horrible.  No pew will contain him...no wrestling move can restrain him...no amount of juice/fruit snacks will keep him from yelling "I NEED TO POTTY!", "LOOK, THERE'S JESUS!", "JESUS HAS A BEARD!" or "I WANNA GO HOME!"  So, my hubby really likes to try and lay low with the lil guy at HOME.  On occassion, this happens, but for the most part, I drag him along and he has a WWF smack down with my 2 year old throughout the entire church service.  Listen, I am just trying to be the example....and drag my husband down with me. :-)  I like that when Father John exits the church he finds my hubby and son sitting out on the sidewalk waiting for the girls and me....it proves we were there!  LOL!

5.  HAVE DIFFERENT INTERESTS:  Obviously, I am married to a golf addict. I do not play....though we have talked about me trying couples golf.  I will be the drunk one.  But, my husband is married to a runner, book club member, and bunco gal.  So, we all make sacrafices.  When people ask me if it bothers me that my husband plays so much golf, I can really, truly, honestly say "No".  Golf makes him HAPPY.  He is a freaking GROUCH in the winter.  Happy hubby=happy family.  And, really, time away from one another is healthy.  It shows the strength of the relationship.  I mean, he's not joining me while I dance to Wii Michael Jackson Experience.....well, maybe occassionally....but NOT always!  Again, know what makes your spouse happy...and let them DO IT....as long as what makes them happy isn't like heroine or prostitutes....

Having only been happily married for 14 years, I know I am just merely chipping the tip of the iceberg....and what works for my family may not work for yours AT ALL.  I just know I am one happy girl....that is, until you tell my husband about this blog and then I shall hunt you down and haunt you.....

14 years ROCKS!!!!!!!

Happy Day All!
xoxo Jennifer

Family Vacations

Years before I started this blog, when something big or unusually unbelievable happened in my life, I would just document it in a long email to friends/family.  My mom encouraged me to reshare some of those experiences.  Problem #1: I can't REMEMBER them.  I have early on-set dementia as established in an earlier blog....plus, I tend to block out scarring memories.  Problem #2:  I didn't save the emails.  Evidentally, I accidentally deleted them all.  My mom, of course, has saved some of these and I shall share one now.  This is a recap of a visit to Hilton Head that I had with my two girls and hubby pre-birth of 3rd child.  It's a true look back at what family vacays are REALLY like.  Enjoy!  And Happy Memorial Day!!!!!!

Written circa 2006

Hi everyone!

 

Most of you know that our crew just took a trip to Hilton Head.  The time was SO unbelievable that I decided to journal the good, the bad, and the ugly for you.  Basically, I am hoping that you will get a HUGE kick out of our adventures.  This e-mail is long...read it or delete it at your leisure.  I am just trying to spread the word on what REALLY goes down on family trips!  Enjoy and have a laugh on me.....

 

Do you REALLY have any memories of family vacations when you were a very young child?  Frolicking on the beach?  Swimming in the surf?  No, you say???  Yes, well that's because your parents were SANE.  You see, family "vacation" is an extremely loose term to use when taking a 3.5 year old and a 16 mo. old out of town for a week.  When someone tells you that it is "not bad at all" to take a trip toting children in tow, they are LIEING.  It's best to know this up front...I am just being honest here. 

 

OK, ok...our trip to Hilton Head really was a nice time.  The girls had fun and it was good to get away from KY if only for a little bit.  But, I have found SO many things to laugh at (and NOT laugh at) that I decided just to write it all down for you people so that you could experience a bit of the fun and honesty of it all.  LOL  This is the pent-up writing teacher in me that was just begging to get out...and what more fun way than to journal a bit reflecting on this experience and then share it with friends who I hope will have a fun laugh at it all.  :-)

 

Let's start with the drive.  HIlton Head is a good hard 10 hour drive from Owensboro.  This is not fun for anyone involved...most definitely children.  There were numerous bathroom stops...food stops...stops just to get OUT of the car...many games of peek-a-boo and such to TRY and keep my 16 month old from crying.  The drive gets about a C...not bad, but could defintely have been better.  I knew that my hubby would grow old with this trip just by seeing the blank stare in his eyes during an especially long screaming bout from my 16 month old.  Both girls DID sleep a bit which helped. 

 

My 3 year old learned early on that the coolers in the car held "snacks" so when we stopped for breakfast and lunch she ate as LITTLE as humanly possible so that she could hop back into the car and say "Mom, I am REALLY hungry.  I think I need a snack."  Smart kid. 

 

This leads me to the the big sister-effect.  Lil sis has evidentally listened to her big sister whine, "Mom!" sooooo many times now that she has STOPPED called me "ma-ma" in that sweet endearing voice of hers.  Instead my baby also gives me the "Mom!"  She started this battle cry at about Chattanooga and lasted the rest of the drive to HIlton Head, off and on.  Good stuff.  The drive ended up taking just over 11 hours.  Did I mention that my 3 year old asked "When are we going to get to Hilton Head?" at the FIRST toll booth on the Natcher Pkwy.  For those of you unfamiliar with our area....that is approximately 20 MILES from our house.  Her fav question was repeated at LEAST 50 times over the course of the next 11 hours.  She has ALREADY laid down the law that she does NOT want to go to HIlton Head again because it is just "TOO FAR!"  This trip was starting out on a GRAND note!

 

The weather in HIlton Head was not its most agreeable on this trip.  There was a 50% chance of rain everyday... and it rained everyday.  Most days it held off until the afternoon so we could take advantage and hit the beach early in the a.m.  We would spend about 2 hours on the beach in the a.m. -- 8-10 or 9-11 approx.  It was at the 2 hour mark that my 16 month olf would shoot her wad and be DONE with the whole experience.  By this time there was sand in ALL of her orafices.  Big sis intentionally (at least I contend it to be intentional) lost her yellow shovel in the ocean on day 3 at the beach because she had seen a pink one at the local children's museum that she "really, really needed". 

 

HIlton Head has no dining facilities beachside so each day we would trudge our sandy butts back to the condo, I would quickly bathe both girls and get them ready so that we could go to eat lunch.  All of this was extremely time sensitive because a 16 mo. old REQUIRES an afternoon nap.  A highlight of the trip was the lunch that we went to that was about a 15 min. drive.  16 month old fell asleep on the way there and stayed asleep for the first part of lunch for about a 20 min. grand total rest.  3 year old fell asleep on the way HOME from the same lunch for a 15 min. snooze.  Despite great efforts by both parents, both girls were DONE with napping for the day.  Those of you who have no kids are thinking, "So what???"  Those of you with kids are silently screaming "DEAR GOD!  No more nap!!!???!!"  Yes, it DOES make for an especially long and cranky day for all involved. 

 

Now, getting on with things here, the beach time was pretty much overcast for the most part.  But I diligently put SPF50 sunscreen on both girls each day.  I, on the other hand, never once applied sunscreen except to my face.  I am NOT exaggerating when I say that BOTH of my girls have tan lines...my 16 mo old is especially brown as a berry.  My husband is ALWAYS part-Mexican in his tanning abilities.  And me???  No....not a SINGLE tan line.  Nothing,  Nada.  As in my husband's own words, "That's so WEIRD that you didn't get any more sun!  You STILL blend in with the sand."  And, yes, HHI has white sand beaches.  So, I guess I can go and run after children on the beach for 2 hours each day and literally dodge sun rays.  

 

And for what it is worth, a 2 hour beach trip with two small children goes something like this.....child runs to the waves, almost gets hit by bikers on the beach and nearly gives mom a heart attack, child falls into the water and gets mouthful of saltwater, cries a bit, runs out of the water, nearly gets hit by walkers/joggers on the beach, digs in sand, since child is wet sand sticks to all external surfaces, child rubs nose due to snotty cold she has, sand goes ALL over her face, up nose, dangerously near eyes, child cries and dodges mother as she tries to wipe sand from face, child sees beach bag and dashes for it, throws all clean towels and supplies onto sandy beach to get to sippy cup, drinks juice, drops sippie cup into sand, it is now also covered, child continues to drink getting sand in her mouth, child tries to use shovel as a spoon to eat the sand, she spies waves and runs to the water...cycle starts over until inconsolable crying fit at about the 1.5-2 hour mark at which you scramble to collect ALL gear and get the hell out of Dodge as FAST as possible. 

 

Let's move onto what one would hope to be a happier time...shopping.  HHI has two GREAT outlet centers.  Every store one could ever want.  It makes great sense that we would head there.  My first stop was the Coach outlet.  Well, when my 3 year heard that I was going to shop for purses....she was ALL over that!  Off we go...hubby takes baby to some unknown destination.  I know that I am in serious trouble when I see my 3 year old pick up a small lime green Coach bag that matches her outfit PERFECTLY.  She throws it over her shoulder, walks to a nearby mirror, takes one look at her reflection and announces, "It's PERFECT!"  Hoooo Boy!  By the time we leave, she has selected a lavendar bag and is begging me to "PLEASE" get down the matching wallet because she "really, really, REALLY needs it!"  In order to get OUT of the store, I end up promising that I will buy her a pink purse AND a pink dress at another store.  Thank goodness that an Old Navy store was close by and fit the bill.  Phew!  The Coach ladies have warned me that I am in BIG trouble....like I didn't already KNOW that.

 

Now, this is my FAVORITE topic....dining out.  Since we were in Hilton Head during what was still considered to be "peak" season, you can imagine the dilemma here.  Eat at an ungodly early hour and catch an early bird special (egads!) in order to avoid all crowds OR go to eat at a normal time but then end up waiting 45 min to an hour at which time you have two hungry, insane children on your hands...and you are so weak with hunger yourself that the cocktail you had while waiting has looped you off your feet.  Really, most days we were extremely lucky.  Hit a couple of restaurants early and lucked out with a couple of restuarants on other days. 

 

There is the one small problem of my 3 year old pooping at EVERY restaurant that we went to all week.  No, I am not kidding...a child of MINE is as regular as clockwork....and it appears that her alarm is set for dinnertime.  So each night, we would arrive at a restuarant of choice, sit down and order, and immediately she would ask to go to the restroom.  Well, we would enter the stall and I would line the toilet seat with t.p. like any dutiful mom...and then she would announce loud enough for EVERYONE to hear, "OK, get out.  I need some privacy!"  This always got rounds of laughter in the ladies' room, but also left me hanging OUTSIDE her stall like some weird-o stalker.  My 3 year old is a dawdler...let's get this straight.  Peeking through the stall door would find her talking to herself, singing, playing make believe...who knows!  But, I basically spent a lot of my vacation in public restrooms waiting for her to yell, "I'm DONE!"

 

Now, my very very fave place to eat in HHI is Marley's Island Grille.  There is always a wait here...no matter WHAT time you go.  So, we bite the bullet one night and settle in for the not-so-hideous 35-45 min. wait.  It is terribly hot and humid outside but overcast and there IS a bar and outside seating with live music...so we are OK.  After about 40 min. into the wait, we KNOW that we are on-deck for a table but the natives are getting restless so I put my 16 mo old down to walk around a bit since she is going to have to sit throughout dinner anyway.  She makes nice with all kinds of people but keeps heading for the stairs SO I take her down to a small paved area around some landscaping.  My 3 year old comes with us.  They are happy and running together. 

 

I should state here that there is ONE small water/mud puddle on the pavement but we are quite a ways from it.  I literally turn to make sure that my 3 year old isn't running away and when I turn back to find my 16 mo old is b-lining for the puddle.  I make the dash....but not fast enough.  She trips just inches from the puddle and lands....face first no less IN the puddle.  She then ROLLS out of the puddle into the mulched area before I can scoop her up.  I am ASTONISHED at this point..  What the HECK just happened?  I yell for MY THREE YEAR OLD to go get Daddy (who has the diaper bag with wipes, rags, etc)...she's off like a shot.  16 mo old  is COVERED in dirty and filth and REALLY doesn't care.  She is struggling to get away from me.  3 year old returns with Daddy but SANS diaper bag so he goes BACK to get that.  I am trying to wrestle a toddler who keeps trying to run away and who is dripping wet.  I finally say "No!  Stay still."  THIS pisses her off big time.  The crying begins....now everyone on the patio is taking in the freak show.  My husband is back and I am trying to clean up the mess.  I manage to get her face and hands pretty well....all while stooping on the ground and managing to put the back of my skirt into the SAME water puddle that SHE fell into.  NO I am not kidding.  I get her to the point of passable and then return to our outdoor waiting spot AWAY from the puddle.  16 month old is still crying and trying to get away from me to walk.  While trying to wrestle her, I manage to knock over my pina colada.  Serenity now! 

 

I realize that I am going to HAVE to change her clothes at this point...she is drenched.  Luckily I DO have one very UGLY outfit in the diaper bag SO...I head to the truck with her and the diaper bag.  Now I am carrying her away from my body to keep from getting anymore wet or dirty than I already am...she is screaming bloody murder.  All...the...way...to...the...truck.  I get her changed despite much snuffing and crying on her part and I hear the first big roll of thunder as I am buttoning up the back of her shirt.  As I close the truck door and comment to her, "We gotta hurry, girl!" the first major droplet of rain hits me square on the head.  I begin sprinting to the restaurant and am DOUSED with rain in the process.  It was a t-total downpour. We were both drowned rats by the time we got to the door.  By this time, we DID have a table.  When we get inside and I comment on my total disbelief of this entire situation, and my hubby gives me gives me the very helpful speech about how I "don't understand the whole idea of Murphy's Law.  There was no WAY that she wasn't going to go straight for that mud puddle...I just should have expected it." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  I am pretty certain that the neighboring table really appreciated my toddler's intermittant crying the rest of the meal.

 

Outside of these lovely incidents, my kids are PRETTY good in restaurants.  I will say that they seem to have subsisted throughout the week on bread and french fries so I am fairly certain that they both have ricketts or some other hideous vitamin deficiency.

 

What?  Escape HHI and family vacation without any major injuries?  Has this e-mail taught you NOTHING?????  Last day of vacation: we are sitting around in the a.m. debating on whether or not to brave the beach.  It is pretty overcast and could rain.  I notice that my toddler is in great need of having her fingernails cut.  Now, she has never been one to appreciate the art of a mani.  She refuses to sit still enough for me to do it, therefore this has always been a chore that my hubby takes on.  So, he begins clipping away.  Manages to get to the last finger (thumb on the left hand to be exact) when disaster strikes. 

 

She moves, hubby follows through with the clipping motion, and the end result is not pretty.  We basically have a child with a chunk cut from her fingertip.  There is LOTS of blood and crying.  She is screaming like a banshee (rightly so), my 3 year old is crying because my 16 mo old is crying, and my hubby is DIEING that this has happened.  I still maintain that we were dangerously close to her needing stitches, but I managed to control the bleeding after about 15 min. of constant pressure.  My hubby, in an attempt to help soothe my 16 mo old, goes to get her some juice.  Little does he know, the disposable sippie cups that we brought for vacation require that the lids be TIGHTLY snapped on.  When he goes to tip the sippie cup back for her, the entire cup of juice spills all over both her and me.  Now we are covered in blood and juice!  Damn that Mr. Murphy and his law! 

 

Amazingly, I DID pack a first aid travel kit by the GRACE of God!  (Thank goodness for my incessant OCD packing!)  We bandaged my baby up and she was good (not great) about the whole situation.  She cried pretty much off and on for the rest of the morning.  The chunk of flesh that is still clinging to her thumb is REALLY disgusting...I even took her to the dr. today to make SURE that I didn't mess up with not doing stitches.  Dr. said she is fine...the skin will die and fall off (ewww!) and she will have a bit of a scar.  Otherwise, she is good.

 

So...since you are receiving this e-mail, you know that we ARE home and did all survive the big family vacation.  Would I take back all of the chaos and craziness from this trip??  Not for all the money in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That being said, I see that it is ONLY fair to send this e-mail out as advance notice for all you crazies out there considering your OWN fun-filled family outings!  :-)

 

Hope I gave you a laugh or two today!!!!!  And as a quick P.S.:  Murphy is STILL hanging around our house.  I typed most of this last night....the computer went out during a storm and I LOST it.  Good times :-)

 

 

Hee hee!  That is one old email!  I have a more recent, yet equally funny DisneyWorld email vacation play by play that I sent out.   But, I don't have that one saved either.  If you have it...feel free to forward it back to me and I shall post it.  I can't make this stuff up, people.  This just really IS my life :-)

 

xoxo Jennifer

Put the "Fun" in "Fundraising"

So, one night over dinner (and drinks....as will become obvious as you read this) a brainchild was BORN.  I can not, and will not take full credit.  There were other great (sick?) minds at work on this one.  This event could raise money...encourage exercise...and let us eat and drink to our hearts desire while simultaneously promoting exercise and portion control.  Yes....I know...it sounds like the perfect storm.  And after two glasses of wine, it was SHEER GENIUS and we were ready to start silk screening t-shirts for the event.  Yep....the "Fast Food Crawl".

The basic idea being a group of us park at a starting point in town and walk, bike, run, crawl, whatever... to hit all our favorite fast food hot spots.  For instance, we might walk to Burger King to grab a bfast sandwich, then on down Parrish Ave. to Lic's Ice Cream, Koehler's Bakery, McD's (to rehydrate with those great $1 drinks), Big Dipper, THEN hit the Greenbelt and walk to the MAIN food street in town.  Think of the possibilities on Frederica Street?!?!?  Olive Garden, Applebee's, Chick-fil-A, Panera, Arby's, Great Harvest, Pizzaroma, Zaxby's, Coldstone Creamery, Texas Roadhouse....on and on...until we end our Crawl at the Waffle House as all good late-nighters end (because between all the laughter, bloatedness, and side stitches this WILL take all night!).  We ARE the fast food capital of the world and all.  TAKE ADVANTAGE, PEOPLE! 

Let's examine the POSITIVE messages being sent from such an event:

#1.  We'd be WALKING (or jogging, biking) so physical activity is a huge portion of this effort.

#2.  When eating THAT many different places...one muse use portion control.  For instance, we can't ALL eat a double cheeseburger at the Dipper, that would sort of end the trip for most all involved....a few people who are the "foodies" of that joint can order a couple items and then everyone gets a TASTE.  NOT eat the entire item themselves!  Excellent message to children everywhere:  you can SHARE your food, get a small taste, and still feel fullfilled.

#3.  We could print shirts and advertise the event...open to all...any entry fees or shirt purchases could benefit local food banks.  I KNOW local businesses would be lobbying for a bunch of sweaty ladies to come a-strolling into their restaurant wearing THEIR restaurant's logo on shirts.  What better advertising?  I mean, people are will to walk across the TOWN to eat your food!  Sweet!

#4.  Commaraderie....I mean, when do girls get together and do something THIS silly?  OK, other than Bunco every month.  BUT, this is for CHARITY.  Hence, a much better cause than "I just need to get away from my crazy kids."

I personally would like to lobby for the Junior League of Owensboro to sponsor this event.  I can say this because I am not a member....and don't plan on ever becoming a member....but, let's just say, if JLO buys into THIS as a good example of  "teaching children exercise and portion control", well then I may be forced to review my stance on joining!!!!!  I need to be around more people that think like me, certainly!

Other fundraising ideas?  My neighbor who makes fun of us "runners" has insisted for years that he is going to host a "1K" named after himself (I think the main road we live on is about 1 K down and back).  He has a FANTASTIC and actual REAL charity to donate toward.  I have tried to also encourage this.  But we have discussed and agreed that a few things must happen....at the half-K mark, you must stop and CARB UP.  Beer or goo packs and lots of water before finishing.  The finish line would definitely include a keg on the other side and a buffet from Moonlite BBQ....mac and cheese, corn bread, whole 9 yards.  Since our neighborhood is not huge and MOST people in the hood are active, I think everyone would be IN LIKE FLYNN and we wouldn't even have to CLOSE any city streets to do this.  Seriously?  A hilariously funny short run, with funny people, and drinks at the end...plus, money to worthy charity?  Another perfect storm.

Maybe there are organizations here in the 'boro that need fundraising ideas?  OBVIOUSLY, I need to be a go-to person for them.  I have a huge team of people around me that actually (scarily) think LIKE me.  Sooooo pick up your forks people and tie on those running shoes....I see a "fun"draiser in our future!!!!!!!!

Have a great day, all!
xoxo

Bunco!

So last night was Bunco night.  I know this makes me sound OLD....well, people, that's because I AM old.  I look forward to the night out to have good food, good drink, and good discussion with good friends -- all who are old enough to cut their own food.  AND our hostesses for the night made it a Derby theme so I got to wear my fascinator!  I was once again the Duchess of Cambridge...I mean, when else is that dang thing going to see the light of day?  Never.

Let us start by stating for the record...my bunco group is FUN.  I think we might be a little more rowdy than most bunco groups.  AND just to really mix things up a bit, last night we combined with ANOTHER bunco group.  We are totally able to integrate...look at us!  And let us also state for the record that the group we integrated with might NOT be quite as rowdy as us.  Like, in general, I am not sure that this group NEEDS designated drivers that rotate...like we do.  Plus, get real other "bunco group"...you are NOT a "bunco group" because you DO NOT PLAY BUNCO.  You eat, drink, and talk...which I fully support.  Now, let's work on just calling a spade a spade and call you a "supper club" :-)   My group plays and we even have a member hereforth known as "Mamaw"...because that is really what we call her...NOT because of her age but because, by golly, at 8:00 she is gonna RING that bell and some bunco is getting played.  One round....then she is going home and going to bed.  Period.  End of discussion.

Well, I was a designated driver last night so I got to take in the integration scene from a totally pure and sober view.  *gasp*...I know.  But, it was FABULOUS!  So many flipping FUNNY people in one place.  People I know but don't see often, people who make me laugh until my sides split, some who drink, others who don't, some people I got to meet for the first time.  It was all EXTREMELY refreshing and fun.  Plus it is WAY more fun to listen to others slur as they are explaining why they are leaving "early". HA!

Things I learned at Bunco last night:

1.  People actually read this blog! Bahahah!  AND the word "shan't" is a HIT.  First questions, why are you using the word shan't? and Who is this person we know who doesn't have a DVR?  Of course, I would never have busted this person....had she not been sitting at my table at the moment and busted herself.  Extremely funny.  So much for anonimity!  The history of the word "shan't" is relatively boring...but funny if you have had a couple of cocktails.  Might want to go get one now.  My friend was on vacation with her hubby and her sister/brother in law.  I knew they were out drinking and having fun and NOT with children.  So, I texted my friend and said something along the lines of  "Assignment for you and your sister tonight: use the word "shan't" in a sentence when speaking to a complete stranger....must be done with a straight face.  Report back when deed has been completed."  Well, my special friend and her sister commence to PRACTICING how to properly use the word "shan't" in a normal conversation without laughing....and finally at dinner when the waiter comes up to ask if they want some more wine (or food, but I am betting wine...), the response was of course, "We shan't be having any more tonight."  To which the waiter never batted and eye and walked away....meaning what?  I guess that he hears this word often.  LOL!

2.  There are people reading this blog who are trying to post a response...and the responses are NOT showing up.  This is a terrible tragedy b/c the person who had been trying to post had some FANTASTIC banter that really needs to be heard.  Like, when I was bashing extreme couponers, she tried to post that I better zip my lip b/c she had a $6.00 off coupon for Miralax that I'd be crawling to her on hands and knees for pretty soon if things kept up with my 6 year's GI tract!  She then of course tried to tell me she is NOT that extreme of a couponer....just gets borderline depressed if she doesn't save at LEAST a third off retail when she shops.  Nooooo she is not extreme at ALL!!!!!! *sarcasm*

This same witty friend of mine also tried to post in response to my cell phone dilemma with "Jesus" that we should put together a "Used Cell Phone Drive" for Jesus.  I am not really sure of the dynamics of this or how it will play out.  But, it was freaking hilarious last night when she is telling me with a straight face that we can totally DO this....we all have old cell phones laying around...let's collect them and "well....give them to Jesus".  Oh, a definite highlight!

3.  The witty friend mentioned above should TOTALLY have a blog of her own.  She needs to take her material on the ROAD.  For instance, I told her I would steal this story as my own, but NO....she deserves  comedic credit where it is due!  She called her lawn service and asked them to come and cut the lawn yesterday....she was a bunco hostess.  When they arrived, she starts giving very specific orders to lawnmen of seemingly Hispanic backgroung.  "Trim around the bushes, blow grass off the porch and sidewalk, edge, ......and if you come back tonight at 6:00 wearing a bikini and serve drinks to my friends I will totally pay you....and you will get great tips.  Good money, I am just saying."  Her....expecting some sort of "No hablo" response says that she is instead greeted with looks of TOTAL mortification....they are now OFFICIALLY scared of her.  So, she laughs it off, I mean it WAS a joke (sort of)...but the BEST is the fact that her male neighbor HEARS her say this to these young men and calls her over....AND gives her the what for!  Bahahah!  "Did I really just hear you say that to those young men?  Those are GOOD Christian boys.... that one is a senior at UK, they both ride to church EVERY Sunday with my brother."  EXCELLENT!  But does this stop my hostess with the mostest?  Hell to the no.  She straight faces him with "Well, this is nothing compared to my old bunco group where we ended the night skinny dipping in the nearest pool."  To which her neighbor then OFFERS to "get out a blow up pool for us".  BAhahaha!  This explained why she put a plastic pool in her backyard during our bunco party....it's just not enough to harass the lawn men....you must screw with your neighbor's head too. 

Do you SEE why I love bunco?  Fantastic, I tell you.  Excellent stories...excellent memories....that is, when I am the driver for the month ;-)

Have a happy day all!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxox 

True Quotes

These are TRUE quotes heard in my house over the past few days....

#1.  My 6 year old to my 8 year old:  "Do you REALLY not know how to take a joke?"

#2.  My 8 yr old: "Excuse Me"
       My 6 year old:  "Did you toot?"
       My 8 year old: "That's none of your business."

#3.  6 year old eating without utensils.....
       Me: "I don't approve of that behavior."
       My 6 yr old:  "Well, watch me big guy...."


Really?  I don't even have TEENAGERS yet...not even someone NEAR hormonal age.  May this NOT be a look into my future.

What am I going to do?  Really?  I know that right now that the two nights per month that I am actually OUT of the house....Bunco and Book Club...my 8 year old bawls the entire time I am gone b/c "Daddy doesn't do things the way that [I] do them."  Tonight, my husband went out for a RARE night of not being home when putting kids to bed.  In his absence, I got a dose of my own medicine... My 6 year old was a WRECK.  She cried from the moment she KNEW he was leaving until after prayers and tucking her into bed.  Phew!  Of couse, my 8 year old can NOT let this be all about her lil sis....she begins crying at the anticipation that TOMORROW is my bunco night.  Never mind I am practically home until bedtime.  *Phew!*  Exhaustion!!! 

I know all too well that time slips away...I have been a teacher.  Some of my kids - and yes they are MY KIDS - are getting ready to start their JUNIOR YEAR in college.  I remember them them fondly as 1st graders....so to all you parents who have been in the trenches and survived....KUDOS!  But, for right now....it's the only place I'd like to be.  If that means blogging at 10:00 p.m. at night AND running at 5:15 in the a.m. so that I can shower before my kids are up and at 'em....well, that's fine with me :-)

xoxo

Did I Pass or Fail?

So, I am going to let you decide, did I pass or fail today?

There is one homily (sermon to all you non-Catholics out there) that I always remember.  It's really just a story.  It is about a man who has a dream...Jesus tells him in the dream that he will be coming to see him tomorrow, so be ready.  The man makes a feast, cleans his house, rolls out the red carpet, etc.  A knock on the door...it's a little boy who is asking for money, he is hungry.  The man turns his away saying that he is awaiting company.  Another knock at the door, it is a widow who is asking for water...she is thirsty.  The man turns her away as well.  Third knock on the door, it is an old dirty man looking for a place to rest his head...he is tired.  The man of the house turns him away.  There are no more knocks on the door.  That night the man dreams and Jesus appears to him again...when he asks Jesus why he didn't come to the house like he promised Jesus explained, "I did come...three times.  And you turned me away each time."

Cut to me.  Sitting at lunch today with all 3 of my kids (Election Day= no school).  They are running a bit amok...I am trying to get them settled/fed/not lose anyone.  We are at Great Harvest...WONDERFUL store and restaurant that gives away slices of bread while you are waiting, etc.  I am aware of a man...just a plain man...who comes in.  I don't know if he orders or just gets a slice of bread, but I am just aware that he is in the restaurant/store.  As I am trying to corral children, he is suddenly at my table and says to me, "Can I borrow your phone?"

I promise that the ENTIRE homily above flashes through my mind in this SPLIT instance.  I consider telling him that I left my phone in the van....hell, I have a purse and a diaper bag I don't even REALLY know where my phone is.  Plus, who IS this guy?   But, I can't lie.  I just can't.  So I go a different route.  "Who do you need to call?"  I ask.

After a moment of stumbling over his words he says, "Well, kind of like my case worker....my phone just died and I don't have a way to recharge it."  With no judgement intended here...I can tell that this is probably a lie.  He MAY have phone that DIED...but I guarantee that had I asked him to show it...he would have walked away.

Cut to me:  CASE WORKER?  OK....he uses my phone and one of two things happen.  #1. He runs out of this restaurant with my phone, all my contact info, pics of my kids, email access and I never see him again.  or #2.  he indeed calls his case worker...and my # pops up on THEIR system....so the NEXT time he is to "check in" I am going to be getting a call looking for a man who borrowed my phone at a store.  PANIC.  So, calmly and casually I say, "Have you asked them behind the counter?  I bet they have a phone you can use."

He says "Ok, thanks"....hangs around the counter until he is noticed .... and does indeed use a phone (presumably the restaurant's) to make a call.  This whole time I am feeling like DIRT.  Really, truly like DIRT.  Have I just turned away Jesus?  Just because he was a bit different?  Because he asked me something odd?  Because he has a case worker?  I am feeling very bad about myself.  My girls are asking about the situation and I am just deflecting....he can use the phone here...I am not sure where mine is...plus I really didn't want to give my phone to a stranger.  Again, feeling BAD.

As the gentleman leaves the restaurant, he looks at me and says cordially, "Thanks for the tip."  And I exchange with "You're welcome.  Have a great day."

Still feel bad.

As I get into my van....there, sitting on my console, is my phone.  Had I gone with the gut instict of saying I left my phone in the van, I would NOT have been lieing.  It was the truth.  My phone was IN the van. 

So, I am still unsure if I passed God's test today....or if it was even a test at all.  I turned the stranger away...but gave him another way to meet his needs while still keeping my family/phone safe.  But, I don't know if those things cancel one another out or not. 

But finding my phone to be in the van seemed like a positive sign to me.....

Have a happy day, all!
xoxo

Seriously?

I think if we are going to be friends here...that there are few things that are going to have to change.  For instance, it is IMPERATIVE that you start watching several of my favorite shows.  I am simply agog that some of the people I love most in this world have NO clue what I am referencing when quoting a show.  And FWIW, nooooo....I am not lolly-gagging about the house watching TV all day.  I LOVE me some DVR...so SET yours, fools.  Watch it when you can....except I know I have one friend whom I shan't name here without the luxury of DVR.  She (or you) can also rely on hulu.com.... the fact that I used "shan't" in that sentence will totally let the cat of the bag for the gal I am talking about ;-)

1.  Start watching So You Think You Can Dance.....new season starts May 26.  It is the dance version of American Idol.  These people are FREAKS of nature and I adore their art form to a sickeningly degree.  I believe most of you think that I watch this show b/c I DO think I can dance.  This is where you are wrong.  I am well aware of my inability to turn, spot, or leap (I am willing to take a shout out from ANY former dance instructor to back me up on this issue)....all skills SORT OF necessary in the art of dance.  Plus, ONE watch of this show will let YOU know that not only can I not dance...neither can you.  Comes on Fox.  DVR it.

2.  Start watching Modern Family.  Good heavens.  I think I see myself and a good portion of my friends (you crazy people) wrapped up in that show.  Fantastic.  And...sadly, real.  ABC.  DVR it.

3,  Start watching Glee.  Yes, I know that some of you are turned off my the fact that some of the characters are homosexual.  Get over it...fast forward it...whatever you need to do.  I personally want to be best friends with everyone on that show.  The one-liners by Sue Sylvester and former Cheerio Brittany ALONE make this show an amazement to me.  But, add in singing and dancing...well, now.  I think you KNOW they had me at "hello".  I OWN the first season on DVD (yes you can borrow it)...you can catch second season on hulu.  AND....word on the street is that the season finale Glee goes "Wicked"!!!!  Are you KIDDING ME?  Yes, a good musical + one of my fave shows will indeed = a HAPPY JENNIFER!

4.  I am addicted to ALL (and sadly, I do mean ALL) reality shows on BRAVO.  To some degree I have watched a bit of each and every "Real Housewives of....", "Bethenney Ever After", "Top Chef", "Top Chef Masters", "Top Chef Desserts", "Million Dollar Listings", "Millionaire Matchmaker", "Tabitha's Salon Takeover", "Flipping Out"....and this is just the icing on the CAKE, people.  It's all just a bad train wreck that I can NOT look away from! I can honestly say that I do not watch any of the above regularly...and there are other shows that I have watched on BRAVO that I am forgetting.  But, if I am sitting down to fold laundry with no children around, Bravo is ON the TV.  I mean, a RARE few of you even KNEW what a "Skinnygirl Margarita" was until I mentioned it in a recent FB status update.  Had you been watching "Real Housewives of New York" a while back OR "Bethenney Every After" you would be familiar with said spirit already and probably drinking one while reading this.  FYI:  J's carries it and it is deeeeeelicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, get up to snuff people.  I need to reference these things!  I need to know we are speaking the same language ;-)
Now, go get that Skinnygirl Margarita!  Cheers!!!!!!!

Have a great day!
xoxo

A House Full of Nuts

I will be the first to admit it.  I am crazy.  I have probably been crazy my whole life....but add three children to that mix and subtract a few brain cells from college activity and childbirth...well, then you will find that I am indeed crazy.  But, I think it quite a gift that I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY able to see the craziness of my own children.  I know this sounds weird.  But, as a former teacher, you find out REALLY fast that MOST parents believe that they have, indeed, given birth to a perfect being.  Common conversation with said parent: "What do you mean Johnny bit Sonya on the playground and then spit in your face?  There is no way that you saw this....you must have been hallucinating."  Yeah....I am NOT that mom.  In fact, I am probably the opposite.  I can spot a quirk a MILE away.  I LOVE me some quirks.  Yet, with 3 children, I am impressed with God's ability to find the EXACT mixture of quirks that will make each of my children the polar opposite of the others....is that even POSSIBLE with three children?  Yes....yes it is.

Oldest child: 8 years old: girl -- contains typical oldest child characteristics.  She is a take charge girl....if there is a catastrophe, she will get her brother out of his crib, change his diaper, and have his shoes on him ready to strap him into the car seat faster than I could do those same things.  She is a perfectionist.  She LISTENS.  And I mean this....to EVERYTHING.  She knows the comings and goings of every single person in this house, in her class at school, and basically within eavesdropping distance.  "Hey Mom, you know Mrs. Tucker at school?  Her grandfather had a heart attack yesterday and they rushed him to the hospital in Nashville....you know, Vanderbilt?"  Yeah...THAT kind of listener (and tattletale).  Now, this can be a blessing.  But also a curse when you mizx it with her NEXT attribute: freakishly good memory.  If you SAY something...by golly you better be set and ready to FOLLOW THROUGH.  Because her dogged nature to badger you into the ground until you "DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO!" will finally drag you down.  Fact.  She is a hoarder.  I have told her so....and even made her watch an episode of that reality show in order to talk her into letting me FINALLY throw away every single treat bag from every single birthday party that she has even been too.  Exhausting.  And....as the oldest...she is ALWAYS right.  Despite the fact that I taught kindergarten-1st grade for 3 years and then 3rd-4th grade with a science and writing emphasis for 6 years, she is QUICK to remind me that I DID NOT EVER teach 2nd grade.  So, I do NOT know what I am talking about 99% of the time.  Case in point...the arguement we had in the car on the way to school about how her teacher told her about some "hill" we have that keeps us from having many tornadoes....I hadn't the heart to tell her that we get a freaking LOT of tornadoes...but I did tell her that I had never heard of this hill and was pretty sure that wouldn't help with a tornado....strong buildings and homes are helpful.  Her response?  "Well, you obviously didn't STUDY that!  Because it is TRUE!  My teacher SAYS so!"  Okey doke.  Then, her final quirk....over emotional.  After yelling at me, I just sit quietly after saying "OK"....and so begins the weeping apology.  I tell her to calm down.  I forgive her for yelling at me.  She does not believe this.  I explain she is my daughter I will always love and forgive her.  She yells "Let's just FORGET the last minute of our lives!  Forget the last minute, OK!?!?!"  Okay......weirdo.

Middle Child: 6 year old: girl -- classic "can I slip under your radar" type of gal.  I am already examining the house for areas that she might be able to breach the house alarm and sneek out as a teenager to meet boys in the neighborhood.  I am not stupid.  She is the most fun loving, laid back kid.  NOTHING gets to her...except getting in trouble.  She is not a fan of that....especially getting yelled at...that kills her.  Outside of that, no punishment even carries weight.  Take away her computer time?  No problem.  "I had school today and knew I had dance this afternoon...there was really no time for computer anyway."  Really?  This is also my laziest child.  Tell her 15 times to put away ONE book....she will finally begrudgingly take it to her room....where you will later find it laying in the middle of the floor...in FRONT of the bookshelf.  Because actually putting it ON the shelf...takes waaaaay too much effort.  She has also learned that her big sister is SO annoyed by this quirk of hers that if she holds out long enough big sis will do her work FOR her.  Big sister will eventually complain but MAKE the bed b/c she is tired of hearing me ask about it.  Not a care in the world about extracurricular activities....not a care in the world about how she wants her hair fixed...will often come home with a new hair do no matter what I try in the morning anyway.  Homework is PULLING TEETH.  It could come sooooo easily for her if she put as much effort into DOING the work as she does AVOIDING it.  Whining, pouting, bathrooming, snacking, staring at TV instead of DOING the work...all issues.  Is she just as smart as big sis who whips through work on her own?  Yep.  Does she CARE?  Nope.  Not one bit.  But, my personal favorite quirk is her comedic timing.  She knows JUST what to say...when to say it...and how to deliver it for maximum effect.  She knows what to say to get to big sister's jugular.... "Is she crying AGAIN?  Really?" always within each shot of a weeping big sister.  Or when she punked me after prayers one night when I asked God to please help my children learn to treat each other they way they would want to be treated....and she looked square at me and said "Well, YOU don't do that.  You yell at us...and I am pretty sure you don't want US yelling at you!"  Touche, middle child, touche.  We agreed that everyone in our house had things they needed to pray about and work on....mine was yelling too much....hers was excessive laziness that CAUSES me to yell too much.  Am also prettty sure this middle child is a compulsive liar.  That is yet to be proven.  But all signs point to yes at this point.

Youngest child: 2.5 year old: boy -- I can probably stop with just "boy"...because that is a whole new creature all together.  But, again, quirks.  This kid is a monkey...daredevil...afraid of nothing.  Walk into the kitchen?  Prob find him standing on the table.  He fell off a plastic riding toy in the house two days ago...because he was STANDING on it.  Really?  Constantly covered in bruises, cuts, already had stitches once...am certain Child Protective Services would be concerned if they got a good look at him. Sees a ball and throws it, hits it, kicks it.  Sees something tall?  Climbs it and prob tries to jump from it.  My fave quirk:  definitely the most genuinely AFFECTIONATE of my children.  Will ask me if I am OK when I stub my toe....hugs me for no reason...tells me he loves me as he passes through the room.  He also loves Toy Story and Cars....which is fine, for A WHILE.  And then when both you and your 2 year old can recite Toy Story 1, 2, and 3 by heart as well as Cars.....you start begging for the soon to be released Cars 2.  Sad.  Third child does get away with more....he's the baby.  But, I will openly admit he might also be a compulsive liar.  "Hey, did you poop?"  Him: "Nope."  Me: "Well, I can smell you from here.  Nice try....let's go, big guy."

Oh many a quirk, many a difference in my children....but that is what makes them each AMAZING and PERFECT....for me, not necessarily for their 4th grade teachers who I will TOTALLY believe when they call with the news that one of them bit another child and then spit in the teacher's face....

Happy Day, all!
xoxo

Why I Need My Own Reality Show

There are just things that happen in this house...and to me, in general...that just do NOT happen in other places to other people.  I am certain of it.  Having talked to my friend Lyndi, we decided that this blog is a most excellent way to REMEMBER these unbelievable things.  We are both pretty sure that we have early on-set dementia and if I don't write something down, then I am going to forget it/wipe it from my memory to make room for more junk nearly immediately.  So....here is one small reason that I KNOW I need a reality camera following me around...I am sure I will come up with more in the near future:

If you have run with me or had a lengthy conversation with me since Easter you probably already know this story, but it is worthy of my documentation nonetheless.  This year for Lent, the girls and I all gave up or "sacraficed" something AND decided to add IN something new to better ourselves for God and the world.   Well our "add in" this year was that every Monday, we would go to the church at 4:00 and pray the rosary.  It is written in our church bulletin that the rosary is prayed every day at 4:00 Monday-Thursday.   Now, let's be clear here....I am a Catholic convert.  And as a convert Catholics are relatively EASY on you...they do not make you memorize rosary prayers, etc....that's sort of up to you.  Well, since I had only a general IDEA of how to pray the rosary, I got my little "How to Pray the Rosary" pocket guide from the Catholic book store, grabbed 3 rosaries from home, and off us gals went to church.  I knew that the girls would be fine...they pray these prayers EVERY DAY at Catholic school...it is totally ME that is the fish out of water.

So, we pull up to chuch at 3:55 and prance right in.  Holy crap....they've already STARTED!  Panic.  There are 4 elderly people there....I can make a safe assumption that these are the same 4 people that are there every Monday so as soon as they all GET to church they just start, not expecting a ragtag group like mine to coming busting up in that joint.  Of course, we do NOT make a quiet entrance...stomping down the aisle, slamming into a pew behind everyone, clinking rosary beads as I hand them out.  AND, as I stated already...the rosary has STARTED.  I do NOT know where we are in the scheme of prayers....which decade are we on?  How many Hail Marys? etc.  My 8 year old is looking at me like a deer in the headlights; I am flipping frantically through my useless "pocket guide", and I am pretty sure my 6 year old is just laying on the pew truly ticked off that she is having to do this.  It is at this point that a new decade starts...and the leader says something that I don't really hear but Reese and her radar ears whispers fiercely to me, "Sorrowful Mystery #2...GO!"  It is at this point that I realize she speaks Cathlolic...and I have a good shot she might become a nun. 

All goes well, with the exception of the one prayer that I am pretty sure these people just MADE UP that they throw in at the end of every decade, because I can not find that sucker in my guidebook ANYWHERE and even Reese doesn't know it....though she has it memorized by the end of prayer time.  I don't re-enter panic mode until decade 3 starts and I realize a terrible thing....every person in the church is taking a turn LEADING a decade.....there are 5 decades.  Let me do the math for you...there were 4 people there when we arrived...we slipped into the last pew...they are moving BACK.  Who is gonna be up to bat for the last decade?  You guessed it.  My 8 year old realizes this fact at about the same moment as me....and then begins an inapprorpriately loud conversation DURING the praying of the rosary about how we are going to lead a decade.  I am looking for a way out...when the 4th decade starts, the lady in the 3rd pew turns and finally acknowledges our existence, holding up her rosary and asking silently if we WANT to lead.  I give her to "NO!" and slash across my throat motion.  She nods...she's got my back.  THEN...the fun starts. 

My 8 year old starts ARGUING with me (during the PRAYING OF THE ROSARY) because how DARE I say we don't want to lead?!?!?  SHE wants to lead it.  SHE can DO it!!!!!!!!  How could I not have KNOWN this?  I am a horrible mom!!!!!  So, as 4th decade stops there is a little lull and the 3rd lady speaks up that we are not going to lead, and I have to say, "Well, actually, I do not want to lead....but my daughter would like to."  I am fairly certain that by the looks on those elderly folks' faces they were pretty certain the Holy Spirit had just descended upon our church.  And Reese led that dang rosary decade just like the nun she shall grow up to be. 

When does next panic mode step in?  When they start praying the rosary again....and I realize that these people are going to pray ALL 4 mysteries in my little guidebook...not just one praying of the rosary.  FOUR.  That's a LOT of long praying for all you non-Catholics.  Since I have a 2 year old waiting for us at the sitter's, we slip out.  The NEXT time we go, we are better time managed to stay for the full praying of all 4 mysteries.  At one point I DID lead a few decades.  My 8 year old led several as well.  My 6 year old spent her time weaving her rosary beads between her toes...b/c that's normal.  As we are walking out of church with our 4 new elderly friends and I explain to them that this is part of out Lenten promise to come every Monday for rosary praying, the "leader" looks at MY 6 YEAR OLD and asks her if next week SHE would like you lead a decade.  And without missing a beat she says "YES!"...like I have been holding her down/squelching her Catholicism.  AND that little man was in for a surprise the next week when I MADE her lead the decade she so adamantly wanted....only for the elderly folks to have the blessing of learning that my 6 year old can't say her "r's" and isn't great with several other sounds, so her praying out loud at any speed is really amusing.  Sounds a bit like she has a mouthful of marbles....we are working on it.  But, it  serves them right!

All said and done, it was a good experience for us....with the exception of the fact that my 6 year old can't keep focused long enough to know which decade we are on much less which Hail Mary.  Lessons were learned by all.  But I highly recommend that my church video tape what goes on during said prayer services....they could make a lot of money off America's Funniest Home videos.

No one could make this stuff up people.....all the truth.

Have a happy day! :-)

Hello World!

So, after years of being harrassed by friends and family that I should REALLY be writing down and keeping track of the crap that goes down in this house/in my life....I am taking their advice.  Hence, this blog.  Most of you who know me...know that I am a mom to 3 kids.  8, 6, 2....they are all insane...we will get to that issue sooner or later... but I  love them nonetheless. 

I have been married to my husband for nearly 14 years...as of May 31 it will be official.  And as long as I don't gank him for not setting up his weekend golfing schedule so that I can arrange for sitters for my kids as I get my oldest to/fro 1st Communion practices then all will go as planned and we will make the 14 year mark.  But basically, he has until tonight to get that sh*t all worked out.

I am sure some of my days will be more profound than others....because that's how this house rolls.  It's all in or NOTHING, baby!!!!!  Right now, my children have chosen the "all in" route for sickness.  Which really, they chose back in November.  Not that they can help it.  But, I know that deep down had I purchased stock in Clorox Wipes and Lysol while pregnant 9 years ago, that I'd be a VERY rich woman today.  Seriously.  Ridciulous.

Right now, I have two of my three kids home with me.  My 8 year old and my 2 year old....she is typically in school, this is usually his "pre-pre school" day....kind of a Mother's Day out for 2.5 hours.  Manna from heaven really.  But, nope....they are with me.  On my kitchen counter...at a glance I can count 18 different medicines...and that does NOT include the rescue Epi-pen that I have for my 2 year old and his severe egg/peanut allergies.  Really?  18 DIFFERENT meds?  Nope.  No joke.  And none are mine.  "Mommy's meds" are in her purse for anxiety, which let's be honest, you KNOW I have.  And in the liquor cabinet....because, you know, it's LIQUOR.

So, what's wrong with my kids?  Let's start with the youngest and move our way down the family tree (or is it up?)....hmmm?

2 year old:  starts with the snotty nose and cough last week.  I start him on Nebulizer treatments, decongestants, all on top of his regular allergy/asthma regular meds.  My hubby and I were lucky and BLESSED to have a baby sitter willing to keep all 3 of my hooligans....sick and all...so that we got to go to the Kentucky Derby.  If you have not been, you MUST.  And wear a FREAKING hat.  Don't be a Debbie Downer.  And the more Lady Gaga, the better, I say....I gave a nod to the royal wedding with a fab fascinator this year...but I digress.  When we got home from Derby, lil man was 102.7 with fever....goopy eyes...horrid cough.  Monday's dr. visit revealed horrific double ear infection/sinus infection which was causing leaky eyes AND borderline pneumonia.  Meds for ears would be the same she'd prescribe for pneumonia so no x-rays...but have been vigilant with meds and breathing treatments.  He still looks and sounds like a flipping train wreck, but he is treating my house like the Tasmanian devil off Bugs Bunny.  So, I am guessing he is on the mend.

6 year old:  her journey is MUCH more interesting.  She started with poop issues back in November.  Intermittent diarrhea.  Finally throw in the towel, nothing I am trying (BRAT diet, probiotics) is helping.  Dr. suggests x-ray for possible constipation.  The diarrhea being a result of the fact that nothing ELSE can get through due to blockage. (For those of you reading this that do not have children, man up!  Learn fast that when you have young children about 80% of your time is spent talking about poo...changing diapers, color, texture, frequency... you get the picture).  So, YES, xray shows constipation.  She has been on Miralax since to help things "move along".  She HATES it....tho is has NO taste.  Go figure.  And she lies.  I love my middle child, but she is a liar.  "So, did you poop?"  "No..."  walks out of the bathroom.  I walk in and find it IN the toilet....NOT flushed.  WTH?  Really?  So, we were to have been keeping a "poop journal" for the past 3 weeks....it is quite an amusing read.  And are to return to dr. for update on Friday.  Oh, but there is more.... when getting her dressed for dance last Thursday, I notice this spot (thought it was a wart or molluscum - another gross parenting thing you deal with) on her ribcage is getting bigger/redder.  So, I look at it closely and squeeze it just a bit.  That little f*er erupted like Mt. Vesuvius.  No kidding.  I think a PEA came out of there by the time I was done.  I have been down this road before with my older daughter and know first hand....this IS staph.  She needs topical cream and oral anitibiotic (I soooooo should have been a pediatrician).  I have big sis's cream left over from last year...call nurse to ask for antobiotic...won't give it without dr. visit.  So, Friday before we leave for Derby...into dr. we go.  Yep...needs antibiotic.  But, also has a bad cough...dr. checks that and her nose.  Says she needs serious allergy meds for nasal inflammation/congestion and Robitussin for cough.   It only takes me 2 pharmacies and finally going about apesh*t crazy on the Walgreen's guy to get all needed supplies.  This is my only child at school today...she still sounds a bit like Typhoid Mary , but her staph looks fine to me.  And, like I said, I am practically a dr.

8 year old (who might secretly be 16):  got off the bus on Monday in tears b/c her head hurt so bad, stomach hurt so bad, throat hurt to swallow and NO ONE would help her at school.  I take this with a grain of salt...I was a teacher back in the day...so I know all about the "wait until after lunch" trick.  But she DOES have a fever and wakes in the middle of the night/Tuesday morning with high fever.  So, after being at Dr. on Friday with 6 year old, Monday with 2 year old, I go BACK on Tuesday with 8 year old.  She ends up just having viral throat infection....but I am telling you, her throat HAS to hurt with what's growing back there.  GROSS!  She WANTS to go to school....is pretty sure that she would be chosen to "Crown Mary" in tomorrow's Mass if she were only there to practice today....but she just "feels too bad".  She is NOT typically a liar...so I believe this one.  We have a deal though that since she is just carrying a virus, she will Motrin up as long as there is no high fever and suck it up and head out to school tomorrow.  She will be fine.

So, there you go....between allergies, near pneumonia, fevers, etc...I have been homebound since Mother's Day when I returned from Derby.  Maybe this is Karma for the good time I had?  Well, jokes on Karma right now b/c when my kids are in bed I can still have a stiff DRINK and at least END my day on a good note!  lol

Let me retract that one statement....I haven't been TRULY homebound.  There have been to multiple dr. visitis and pharmacies...and last night I got to go to the WalMart GROCERY after my kids were in bed to restock our fridge/pantry.

Allow me to register a few complaints about late night shopping at WalMart...really, shopping there at any time of day..
1.  I have 3 kids...all in bed...it's a SCHOOL night....and I do NOT understand why WalMart is teeming with young children at 9:00 p.m.
2.  Dear Extreme Couponers, I hate you.  I do NOT want to hear you arguing in the hotdog bun section about how many packages you can buy....and how that many will NOT match up with the number of hot dogs per package that you bought.  And enough with the calculators.  If it takes 4 Pentecostals working as a team to make this money saving effort work, I am pretty sure that it is NOT worth it.
3.  Wear clothes to Walmart...I am not saying Sunday best.  I was wearing workout gear (tho I had not worked out...) - so I am not setting high standards here.  But, please please please refrain from PJs (unless you are on your deathbed and in line at the pharmacy) and refrain from short shorts as well.  They don't look good on anyone over age 20.....and some of you under age 20 need to rethink them as well.  Because either a) you don't look good in them either or b) you are sending the WRONG message to pedophiles.

So I am pretty much out of time for today.  Off to do something extremely fun like laundry or dishes or wiping snot.......none of which I would trade for the world.  God laughs at me a lot, I am certain.  He has a WONDERFUL sense of humor.  I shall laugh with him about it over drinks tonight.

FYI:  I do not proofread :-)

Thanks for reading!  xoxoxo!