Thursday, March 24, 2016

Teens, Tweens, and Adults: Words To Live By

         Every year during Lent, I spend time in reflection.  What does God want me to be doing better?  More often?  Less often?  How can I be a better person, not just during the Lenten season but all throughout the year?  One of the Lenten traditions that I have picked up is pretty simple: writing letters. 
         It’s easy because it takes very little time to let someone know how very much they are appreciated.  How often do we really stop to thank the people in our lives that make an impact…that inspire us…that lead us to be better people?  Maybe it is the person who sits next to us every week at church and suffers through our children’s antics; maybe it is a neighbor; someone who helps with carpool; someone who makes you smile; someone who does their job so well that it makes your life easier!  So, with that, I try to find at least several new people to write to each year. 
         This year during Lent I really wanted to write something specific and special to my daughters (ages 13 and 11).  They are hitting those “ages” where life is not a perfect little bubble anymore, so-called “friends” can be mean and cruel, you WON’T get invited to every party, something embarrassing WILL happen at school, and yes, your mother WILL embarrass you in all other arenas.
         But, I wanted to let them know this Lent that they are so unique (each 100% the opposite of the other) and so loved.  It was important for me to say that even though they feel the weight of the world on their shoulders some days, I want them to know Mom and Dad are here to protect and support them.
         Honestly, I write something similar every year in their birthday cards, Easter cards, Valentine’s Day cards, etc.  They read them (or not) and toss them in a drawer.  SO…that being said, I wanted to write these ideas and words of advice to them so that they were easily accessible.  Something they could look back at….when they are mad at me, upset with a friend, nervous, jealous, or just unsure of who they are.  As I made my list of things that I REALLY wanted to get across to them, I decided that most of these thoughts are good for ALL kids….girls and boys alike...as well as adults.  Therefore, I am writing these messages here… not just for my girls (and 7 year old son who will need similar words one day), but also for you and your children.  It takes a village…so let’s help another when we can!

TO YOU…..

1.  DO NOT EVER BE AFRAID TO BE YOUR BEST    

     There are so many times in society when we feel the need “dumb it down” for others.  Maybe we ACT like we do not understand the material from a test…when we really do….just because we do not want to stand out among a group as being “different” or “smart”.  Your uniqueness is what make you special…it is what makes you: YOU! 
         Never be afraid to score the highest on a test, shoot the basketball, jump and leap your highest and farthest, race your fastest, create amazing projects that make you proud, work your hardest on any task given to you, answer questions in class, be active in clubs and organizations that are important to you personally (not the ones that you go to just because your friends are going there), kick the ball as hard as you can, proudly accept awards – my list could go on forever.  Whatever you do, do it well…in fact, do it your BEST.
         Anyone who speaks ill of you is jealous…or hurt inside.  Don’t blame them.  Pray for them…and continue to be the best YOU that you can be.  One day that BEST version of you is going to want to find a husband or wife…and you are going to want to know that THEY are the BEST version of themselves as well.  Start now.  Practicing now makes being your best become natural and much less scary.


2.  DO NOT EVER BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP     
     
        This applies in EVERY situation.  In school, the teachers are there to help you.  If one won’t….ask another.  Still no good?  Come to your dad and me or a trusted friend…we will find SOMEONE.  In social life, teenage years are tough.  I am not going to sugarcoat that.  People that you have loved and been friends with forever may wander a different way than you…or you may feel “lonely”.  Ask for help.  Find people around you that understand your feelings, maybe even share them, and build a safe community. 
         You will undoubtedly find yourself in uncomfortable situations over the years to come.  On a date with a person with whom you are uncomfortable – asked to attend a party that you KNOW “everyone” is going to but one that could get you in trouble or put you danger – watching a movie or listening to conversations that you know are wrong…  Again, I know that you do not think that your father and I remember being your age.  You could not be anymore wrong.  We both remember it all too well.  It is hard and sometimes you will not know what to do.  You can always come to us without judgement…you also have a TON of trusted adults in your life – be they aunts, uncles, parents of friends, teachers, school guidance counselors, etc.  I promise to you that NO ONE will downplay your emotions or the fact that you are asking for help and guidance.  They (we ALL) are here to help you navigate this bumpy road and find a pathway that keeps you safe, helps you stay true to yourself, and leaves you feeling included instead of lost or scared.

3.  CELEBRATE OTHERS AND LIFT THEM UP 

       Don’t let the ease of that statement trick you.  There are times that this advice will be super easy – and times when it will make you want to poke your eyeballs out.  I promise.  When your friend makes the team – celebrate WITH them, congratulate them, and MEAN it.  Let your friends know that their accomplishments are important and a reflection of their hard work and dedication.  Be GENUINELY happy and proud of them. 
         Now…the flip side…and THIS WILL HAPPEN : when you do NOT make a cut, a team, a special group, meet a goal, or score well on a test, but your friend or friends DO – that even though you may be feeling low and sad for yourself – it will be EQUALLY if not MORE important to lift your friends up in those times of THEIR SUCCESSES.  There are too many opportunities to tear other people down – to feel jealous – to wish it were you and envy the situations of others.  But, what our friends need most is our love.  You are MORE than welcome to come home and cry on our shoulders…to be sad.  But, any negative feelings or negative talk about your friends will do NO good.  Supporting them will.
         We all know God has plans for each of us.  Our successes and our failures shape us into the adults that we will become.  Even though it is SUPER hard to see this in the heat of the moment and with emotions high, lean on God and prayer and LOVE.  Love your friends in a way that shows them you are there in good times – because the bad times will come too, and they will need your support more than ever in those moments.

4.  UNDERSTAND THAT BULLYING TAKES MANY FORMS

         We have talked about it as a family.  You have talked about it in school.  You have seen it on the news.  You have seen it in the halls at school or on the street or in team practices: bullying.  Sometimes bullying is right in front of your nose.  Name calling.  Pushing.  Shoving.  Fighting.  Making fun of another person with the intention of making them feel embarrassed or belittled.
         However, sometimes bullying hides…in the quiet recesses of the silence around us.  By ignoring someone in the hallway.  By not speaking to a friend during class.  By leaving someone to sit alone at lunchtime.  By not inviting a friend to an event.  By not speaking up for others when you know that they are being bullied.  By following a group decision rather than following your own heart and conscience when dealing with others.  By gossiping.  By sharing secrets that were told to you in confidence.  By persuading someone to change – to be something that they are not – in order to be your friend.  These things are less obvious…harder to see.  But there is no doubt that they are just as hurtful as fists and kicking and fighting can be.
         It is important to remember something.  We all make mistakes.  We all can think of a time when we should have intervened and stopped a situation from taking place.  But the problem is deeper than that…it is important to take those past mistakes and LEARN from them.  Develop empathy for the person who was hurt in the situation.  Because, allow me to ASSURE you of one thing….you WILL be bullied in your lifetime.  It may be by a close life-long friend and take you completely off-guard; it might be by a new “friend” who you think is awesome to hang out with; it might be by an adult who does not know how their words sting or how powerful their position truly is; it might be by a boss in the workplace one day.  So by examining your actions NOW…and working to see the bullying around you and find a way to stop it, to empathize with ALL people, you will begin to surround yourself with an amazing group of friends who share your values and will stand up for YOU as you stand up for THEM in situations of bullying.

5.  DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE DEFINE YOU

         This is hard when you are ANY age…but especially hard as a teenager.  Everyone wants to “fit in” and “be liked” – everyone wants to be included in group activities, party invitations, to blend in with the crowd.  I remember.  Standing out was just INVITING others to question or even bully you/exclude you.  It was definitely easier to go with the flow.
         But, what if that “flow” is not YOU?  What if that “flow” does not reflect the person you are inside – caring, devoted, faithful, sympathetic, dedicated, helpful, etc?  Then, by following the crowd or going with that flow, you have allowed those around you to DEFINE YOU.  They will slowly make you believe that those unique characteristics are not “cool” or even unnecessary.  Without watching carefully, little pieces of YOU will be chipped away.
         Like I said earlier, everything in your life has created you into the person you are today – the mistakes, the triumphs, the happiness, the sadness, the embarrassing moments, ALL of it.  Plus, as your family, we have seen you grow and know fully well what is in your true heart.  Be careful not to lose that as you cling more to time with your friends and less to time with your family.  We know those relationships with friends will be hugely important during the years ahead…just choose them wisely…and never be afraid to hold tightly to the definition of “self” that you have already carved for yourself.  You will be a happier, more confident person in the end if you can do this.  We promise.

6.  APOLOGIZE AND MEAN IT; ACCEPT APOLOGIES GRACIOUSLY

         Again, we know that we are all human.  We will all make mistakes.  Growing and learning lessons from those mistakes is probably more important than anything.  When you know you have done something wrong….apologize.  Let me be clear – not a simple, mumbled-under-the-breath, “I’m sorry”, but a sincere, look-that-person-in-the-eyes apology.  One that is thought-out, one where you consider the wording beforehand so that your meaning is truly conveyed.  One that not only states that you are sorry, but EXPLAINS why you are sorry/why you were wrong, and then….ASK for their forgiveness.  Jesus gave it freely…so will good friends and the good people around you. 
Yes, this means there may be times where you will need to apologize to an adult in this way.  It may be your father or me…but it could JUST as easily be a teacher, a parent of a friend, a coach, or a neighbor.  By giving sincere apologies and then following those apologies up with actions that show you are back to your old self… then you have a much better chance of earning that person’s trust again.  This is important.  Trust is earned over time…continue to prove to others that you are worthy of their trust in you.
         On the flip-side, there will be times when others hurt you….sometimes deeply.  Should these people find the courage to come to you with an apology…a sincere heart-felt apology – find a way to graciously accept it.  Again, if God can forgive us daily, then we must try to do the same. 
A note of caution: accepting an apology does not mean all is well in the world.  Once you have been hurt, it IS important for that person (just as I advised you above) to work back to their “normal” and EARN your trust.  There WILL be people in your life who will never earn back the trust that you once had in them.  It will hurt your heart.  That’s OK.  That does not mean that you cannot be that person’s friend or acquaintance – be cordial to them and kind – but, it does mean that secrets and personal information must be shared wisely.  You will learn this the hard way a few times…and it will hurt.  But never totally give up faith in others.  So many people make mistakes that they continue to beat themselves up over again and again.  Apologize; accept forgiveness; and forgive others….FREELY.


7.  LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE

         You know this voice.  We often call it our conscience.  From birth, you have been taught right from wrong by us, your parents.  You have listened in church.  You have listened to your teachers and coaches and babysitters and other wonderful adult influences in your life.  Your heart knows what to do, what is morale and right, in every single situation.  Never be afraid to listen to that nagging in your chest…in your conscience.
         There will be times when this will be HARD.  You will find yourself out with friends one day – not your family – and things will take a wrong turn.  Deep inside, your inner voice is saying, “Ummmm….bad idea!”  To have the courage to listen and ACT on that inner voice is beyond important.  Believe it or not, that voice is right about 99.9% of the time!
         So, what do you do when placed in situations that your inner voice disagrees with but you are still trying to not draw a ton of attention to yourself?  That’s a hard one.  But, the best advice is to think ahead…and have a plan.  What words could you say to change the direction of the situation?  What could you do to immediately and safely remove yourself from a situation that you are unsure about?  Talk about this with us….talk about it with older friends/babysitters who have been there…talk to trusted friends….and then make a plan.  Will you text a code word to someone that lets them know you need a reason to get home…and get home NOW?  Believe me, I am HAPPY to play bad cop.  I can call and ask you to come home ANYTIME.  Will you suddenly feel “sick” and need to excuse yourself?  Or will you simply be brave enough to say, “Sounds stupid to me…not doing it” or “No thanks.”  Whatever fits your personality best…have it ready.  Practice it, in smaller situations, to be ready for the day that you need to use it for real.  You KNOW right from wrong.  You KNOW when things feel out of your control or uncomfortable.  Listen to your conscience and react accordingly.

8.  STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, YOUR FRIENDS, AND YOUR
BELIEFS

         This is simply easier said than done.  It takes courage, but without doubt, it will also win you respect.  The respect of your true friends, respect of your future boyfriends/girlfriends, respect of your family, respect of teachers, coaches, and adults everywhere.  When you believe in yourself, stand tall.  Stand behind your ideas…not in a way that others take offense….but in a way that lets others know you are confident.  You know who you are…you will not allow yourself to be belittled or bullied by others who wish to push you down.  It’s OK to address a person who speaks ill of you.  Stand for the person that YOU are.
         Your friends will need this support just as much.  When you hear a friend stating an opinion or a belief but others arguing or bullying that friend, step in and help diffuse that situation.  Be clear that everyone has their own opinions and that is fine….but to tear others down in order to build yourself up is WRONG.  Your friends will love you deeply for this.  Don’t allow others to talk about your friends behind their backs…just say, “She’s my good friend…she really is a great person.”  Walk away after that if you need to…but make it clear you do not want to hear negative talk about your friends.  Short term, this might be uncomfortable….but long term?  Suddenly your friends know that you have GOT THEIR BACKS.  That is worth more than you will ever know…and one day someone will have YOUR back.  This goes for group outings or parties as well.  If you have the opportunity for ANY input…make sure none of your close friends are being “bullied by exclusion”.  Mention that maybe that person should be included.  Unfortunately, one day, this same scenario happens to us all.  On the other side, you just PRAY that someone speaks up and says, “Hey, what about Jennifer?  Let’s invite her. She would be so hurt to be left out.”  Again, short term this is harm.  Long term: this just proves to the people around you that you are a FRIEND…truly.
         Your beliefs will be questioned your whole life.  You will be questioned by those who are Christian but not Catholic and do not understand Catholic traditions, those who are of other religions, those who do not believe in a God.  You will be questioned by college professors and challenged by scholars.  You will read literature that picks away at some of your core beliefs.  Continue to pray and worship…and LEARN more about your beliefs and your faith as a Catholic.  Knowledge is power…and being able to give someone a well-thought out, fact-based answer is strong.  Will it end the questioning?  No.  You will not convert the world.  But, you can help be an example of how wonderful the Catholic faith and Christianity is by living your life as an example.  Think about the promises you have made to God, to yourself, to the church…and consistently do your best to uphold them.  God will help you!

9.  BE GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT

         So many times, we lose.  Maybe we lose a state tournament game or match.  Maybe we do not get the scores necessary to get college credit for AP high school classes.  Maybe we do not make the team or get beat by someone we THINK we should have easily conquered.  No matter the situation, be gracious.  Face your opponent with a hearty handshake, a congratulations, and even a smile.  Let them know that you are happy for them.  You CAN be happy for others while still being SAD for yourself.  Just carry your sadness elsewhere.  But, do not let it eat away at you.  If necessary, attend reconciliation…poor your heart out, cry, ask for forgiveness for being unable to be gracious to your opponents.  When you walk OUT of the confessional, do your penance…and forgive yourself. 
         It is ALWAYS easy to be gracious and empathetic to others when you MAKE the team or win the match.  But, it takes true character to accept defeat and move on.  Dad will tell you that Jack Nicklaus was the BEST at this.  He left his defeats on the golf course…he walked away a happy man to have been involved in the game and to have played with the best.  Read about him…and others like him…who found ways to congratulate others and focus on the bigger picture of life rather than a single defeat.

10.  LOVE OPENLY; SMILE OFTEN

         There are so many people in this world who need love.  They need care.  They need to know that you SEE them and appreciate them.  Let not a day go by that you do not perform a beautiful act of kindness toward someone – a stranger or someone close to you in life.  Open your heart and express to those around you how grateful you are for their friendships and love.  How appreciative you are of their support and tell them how they inspire you…all people need to know they matter and make a difference.
         If you see a Veteran in public, thank him or her for serving.  If you see someone struggling with a door or a load of groceries, help them.  Extend your love to ALL.  Serve others as Christ served US.  Find ways to make a difference in the world around you – big or small.  Random acts of kindness, and not-so-random acts of kindness, mean so very much to people. 
         By openly loving and serving others, you are walking in Jesus’ footsteps.  You are setting an example to others as to the kind of life you intend to live….one of hope, service, compassion, and mercy.  These are qualities that you will one day look for in a spouse.  Take them seriously as you foster those qualities in yourself.
         If you are uncomfortable expressing your love, thanks, appreciation, and admiration of others in person…take a page from my book.  Send notes and letters.  Nothing is more personal than a handwritten letter straight from your heart.  Plus, the words are permanent…they give that person a chance to reread the feelings that you expressed.  What a beautiful gift to have on days when that person is feeling lonely, invisible, or unlovable.  It proves to them that they are wrong!
         Finally…and let’s be honest, I could say a million more things, and maybe I will add to the list some day…your smile welcomes others into your life.  A smile can warm a person’s heart…help them through a rough day…let them know they are seen.  But, there is also a lovely off-shoot of smiling….it makes YOU happier when you smile.  By smiling more than you frown or grimace or grumble…you are setting a tone for yourself.  You are CHOOSING happiness.  What a beautiful choice, and what a beautiful impression to leave on the world around you.


You are loved beyond words.  You are supported and cared for in ways you may never fully understand.  But as your parents, we were there at your birth…and will continue to uphold you, guide you, pray for you, and be here, RIGHT HERE, until the end.


xoxo

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

What I Wish You Knew

     First of all, allow me to start this blog post by saying one thing: I know that food allergies are not the end of the world as we know it.  I know that having a child with food allergies is NOT a curse...and I THANK GOD every single day for my son, just the way he is, because I know there are so many things in this world worse than food allergies.  Now that we have gotten that straight...let's get down to business.....

What I wish you knew:

1.  I am probably the MOST laid back "food allergy mom" that you will ever meet.  My son who has food allergies is our third child -- everyone is a bit more laid back by their third child.  I find myself saying things like...."Please don't climb up the outside of the stairs without at least holding on...."  "Yes, you can have dessert before dinner as long as you quit asking me questions...."  You get the drift.  Plus, my son's food allergies grew over time (as most food allergies do)...he started out only allergic to egg, that grew to include peanuts and tree nuts the following year, within 3 years as he started kindergarten his allergies had grown to include soy, all seeds, and latex.  So....yes, as overwhelming as that all is, I did get the chance to digest and learn to live with reading labels/questioning restaurant staffs/finding alternative foods a little at a time before a new allergen was thrown at me.  And, finally...probably because he IS our third child...we try to live in a balance of real world versus safety precautions.  We don't inspect the table when we sit down at a restaurant (or at least not unless something is GLARINGLY dirty)...we order food for ourselves that he can not eat even if he is sitting with us at the table.... The bottomline is that these things are GOING TO HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE...so we practice them.

2. Please...keep #1 in mind as you read the rest of my list...I AM THE LAID BACK ALLERY MOM.  I will guarantee you that most other moms you meet in my shoes would scare you to hell and back if they found out that an allergen got within 10 feet of their child.  Why?  That's simple...because you are, quite literally, dealing with life and death.  The life and death of MY CHILD.

3.  I have made a LOT of mistakes as a mom....and some are scary food allergy mistakes.  I do not EVER want you to feel that way.  I never want you to see my child react violently to food that you have given him without knowing what could happen.  It is one thing for ME to live with mistakes I make as a mom that must deal with food allergies 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  It is quite another situation when I entrust my child to your care (be you school, church, babysitter, summer camp, etc), and I make sure that you are FULLY aware and trained about his food allergies and YOU make a mistake.  That is simply not something you want on your conscience...because believe me, those pictures of a child having an anaphylactic reaction that COULD have been prevented is NOT one that you want seared into your brain.  You do NOT want to live with the "What ifs?" that crawl around in my brain constantly.

4.  I wish you knew what a helpless feeling it is to send your child into any setting where there will be food and spend the time PRAYING that your 7 year old is wise enough to ASK if he can have an item of food before eating it.  Or the prayers I say in hopes that my 7 year old son doesn't just want to "try a bite" of his friend's snack.  The bottom line is....my son is SEVEN...and I have to trust him to, at least to some degree, be his own best advocate because I can not sit beside him all day, every day.

5.  I wish you knew the real reason why his father or I are sitting through most all athletic practices, extracurricular activities, and playdates when (YES!) we have 100,000 other things to be doing.  It's because we are scared.  We are scared that someone will unknowingly offer our child something that they think is "safe" for him to eat or drink...  someone that he sees as a trusted adult...and that will be  the time the epi-pen will have to come out and literally spring into action.

6.  You know that lost feeling you get for a few moments when you realize that you have left your cell phone at home?  Take that feeling times a million and then you will know the tip of the iceberg of how it feels to realize you have left your house without benedryl, two epi-pens, and latex-free bandages.  Those three items can be, and often ARE, life saving.  It's why allergy moms and dads have epi-pen stashes in their purses, briefcases, glove boxes, at home, at grandma's, at school, with the babysitter, etc.  We need to know that our child is safe wherever we go...and without that epi-pen pack, we are lost.

7.  I wish you knew that benedryl only masks and helps with allergic reactions to food until it wears off (3-4 hours later)...if the allergen that was ingested in still in the system, a child with a food allergy will have a "rebound" effect...the benedryl wears off and the child begins to react all over again.  The body is still fighting the allergen that is in their system.  It's why we let our children sleep on our floors at night...or sleep with them...with our hands on their chests...to make sure they are still breathing easily after they have needed benedryl from "feeling funny" after eating.

8.  I wish you knew how it feels when I see my son begin rubbing at his ears, sneezing, or pushing his plate away from himself during a meal.  Could be the signs of a picky eater....could be the signs of a child who is reacting to an allergen in the food.  I have learned...I do not ask my son to "eat more" when he pushes his plate away.  I quit trying to guess about itchy ears or him telling me that his throat/tongue itches, I just go straight for the benedryl with no hesitation.

9.  I wish you knew how it feels to not be able to even step foot into certain restaurants.  Any steakhouse that throws peanuts around or has bags of peanuts/peanut dust lying about is OUT.  It does not matter if it is the favorite restaurant of every family member...when your child with food allergies can not even grace the doorway??  It's OUT.  That includes the coupons that food allergy children get for reading books or the free ice cream coupon in a kids' meal....they are no good to us.

10. I wish you knew my son's allergen numbers...so I am just going to TELL you!
IgE  = in a blood test can show the amount of allergen-fighting your body is putting up for various food/environmental items.
an average person has an IgE of 12.0
+1 standard deviation from mean = 48.0
+2 standard deviations from mean = 192.0

My son has an IgE of 3511.  No.  You read that correctly....three thousand, five hundred, eleven.  When I first saw this number my gut reaction was: "His body is attacking EVERY bit of food that he tries to eat as an allergen...."

In this same battery of blood testing, it was shown that my son is allergic at an anaphylactic level to:
egg white
egg yolk
peanut (off the scale the # was high)
soy (off the scale the # was so high)
latex
Brazil nuts
almonds
coconut
pecans
cashews
pistachios
pine nuts
walnuts
sweet chestnuts
macadamia nuts
hazelnuts
sunflower seeds
sesame seeds

11. I wish you knew how much it means when my son is invited to a playdate or a birthday party for that mom to contact me and ask about "safe foods". It truly is the biggest gift.

12. I wish you could watch my son's friends (also 6, 7, 8 years old) be HIS advocate.  I have seen his friends tell birthday party hosts "Now, Vince will NOT be able to eat that cake...he is allergic to eggs."  It is beautiful and a true testimony that CHILDREN love one another, unconditionally.

13.  I wish you could feel the disappointment that I feel as a mother to a child with food allergies when I have done EVERYTHING I can do to help....volunteer, serve on boards, stand as an advocate to all children with food allergies, offer to share my son's story (and my mistakes as a parent) as an example to those who work with him and me most closely ... only to hear responses such as "We have already been trained for food allergies."  or "Well, kids with food allergies will just not be able to eat at the event."  Both of those statements are ignorant, short-sighted, and exclusionary.  As a society, we have made buildings accessible to those who are in wheelchairs, helped children with special needs  join the "regular" classroom setting.  How are my son's food needs any different?  I would never ask for special food to be provided for my child...I pack his lunch for school every day; we pack food and snacks anytime we go anywhere in anticipation that the food available may not be safe for him.  But, as a mother, I BEG of you.... a. supply me with a list of ingredients for items you are serving...yes, I will need to see the packaging label  and   b. do not offer food to ANY child without asking their parents beforehand.  You never know what that child may be allergic to, sensitive to, or intolerant of.

14.  I wish you could find a way...a language..that does not minimize food allergies.  I TOTALLY get that unless you HAVE a child that is severely allergic to something that you will never feel the deep, hollow, scary feeling that I hold onto.  But, please do not minimize my emotions...because by doing so, you are minimizing my child's life.  He will, quite literally, die if you feed him the wrong thing.  Please remember that.

15.  I wish you knew how very much I appreciate those of you who try to walk this journey with me.  Those of you who have been trailblazers and cleared the way for me/given me advice and tips on how to survive and help my child survive too/given me the voice to stand up for my child - those of you who educate yourself and ask me questions to keep my child safe and alive - those of you who find a way to show empathy in the face of a scary situation that you are not familiar with....you are the heroes to me.

And that last group deserves a huge mention!  It is very hard to understand food allergies, their seriousness, and the emotional toll they take on the family without having experienced this yourself.  To you, I say THANK YOU.  Thank you for trying to learn more and understand more...and I will FOREVER be grateful that you do NOT know these feeling first hand.  Just like I will forever thank God for giving us food allergies to deal with as a family....because things could certainly be worse.

Much love to you all!
Learn more by visiting foodallergy.org

I guarantee you will learn something you had NO IDEA about....like did you know bananas, latex, and kiwi all fall into the same allergen category???
Strange but true!

xoxo Jennifer

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Lent: my definition

So, yeah, I converted to Catholicism in high school.  I ended up marrying a Catholic and our children attend Catholic schools.  All of this, I am proud of.  What I am NOT proud of is the fact that it has taken me nearly 20 years to truly define what Lent means to me personally.

When I was "younger" (ahem...I still think I am young in my head), I considered Lent to simply be a time of sacrifice or even deprivation...the sacrificing of something in my life that would be difficult for me to go without for 40 days....just as Jesus suffered for 40 days in the desert.  This year brought a new view of Lent to me.  I do not know if it is because I am maturing as a person, wife, mother? But I think my change of heart came from really, truly listening in church and doing a VERY HARD TASK....honestly looking at and studying the nooks and crannies of my heart, my life.

The truth, to me, is that Lent is less about "giving something up" and more importantly "turning toward something"...and that something is God.  I spent a long time trying to identify the things in my life (and missing from my life) that were separating me from God, from my family, from my friends and loved ones.  Needless to say, I DID "give up" several pretty significant things this Lent...but I also dedicated myself to using the time that was opened from these sacrifices to do good work... Good deeds....God's work. Whether it is a simple morning devotion reading with my kids, playing a game of family hide and seek, writing a thank you letter to someone who has made a difference in my family's life, or writing to wounded servicemen and women....I have spent this Lent really trying to guide God into my heart and into my life.  We all know we can't live this life alone....heck I can't even successfully carpool my kids without a neighbor or two!

Does this mean I am succeeding with flying colors? Um...no.  I am typically a stickler for not "taking days off" during Lent. It's just my OCD.  Well, that came crashing down today when I crushed a number of candy bars no human should ever ingest in one day.  Is God happy about my free will choice to go against the Lenten fast that I promised him back on Ash Wednesday? Nope, surely not.  Do I feel a confession coming on? Yep.  But the good news is this...He is waiting, listening, and ready to forgive me.  He probably also expects me to not binge eat chocolate bars again anytime soon.  He wants me to keep my heart and eyes on the prize...getting closer to Him, getting closer to my family.

One of things I gave up for Lent was Facebook...yes, I realize my blog is connected to FB, but I will not see your "likes" or "hates" etc...  Before I signed off of FB on Fat Tuesday, I saw someone ask, "I see the same people giving up Facebook every year.  Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Shouldn't it be something different?"  Ummmmm no.  The people who are giving up FB or Twitter, etc are just realizing that FB is separating them from God and their families.  Maybe they are looking at their phones more than they are talking no their children? Maybe they are getting overly emotionally involved with interaction on FB?  Maybe FB leads them to gossip or hear things that are not true or worthy of repeating?  Maybe, just maybe, they are "checking themselves" and reminding themselves that they don't need that computer or FB as much as they thought.  Maybe they are spending more time in prayer and more time with family...  In a perfect world, we all stay as focused on God and family AFTER Lent as we are DURING Lent.  But we all stumble and fall... And once a year, a 40 day reminder that the world goes on without FB might just be healthy!

So there you go....it took me a lot of years and prayer to reach this much insight.  There is no doubt some of it is imperfect, but I think as long as I am trying to be the best Christian, mother, wife, daughter, sister, role model, and friend that I ca be ...well, I am gonna bet that God will be happy when all is said and done.

Happy Lent, everyone!!
Xoxo

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It's Not Just Taylor Swift...

So, yeah, it's been forevahhhh since I have written.  I have been in what I like to describe as my "mommy cocoon".  My family has needed me and between that and all the prime time shows on DVR that REQUIRE me to watch them...well, my agenda is just full.  Seriously people, SOMEBODY has to watch Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, The New Girl, Glee, Apartment 23, Grey's Anatomy, etc..... I mean, how else are they going to get RENEWED, people??  I am just trying to save jobs.

But, I digress....

Today I decided it is time to give credit where credit is due.  I live in a small community.  But my community has some amazing things happening.  I really feel like I am surrounded by amazing people at every turn.

My husband and I are trying our best to raise sane, smart, independent, well-rounded children (2 girls and one boy to be specific).  Our wild man is only 4 years old and thinks the world revolves around him -- he will outgrow this right?  But, my girls are already on high alert.  They are always looking...watching...listening as girls always do...to those around them.  They are sneaky peeky spying on us parents, their babysitters, the teens they encounter every day, and the peers they encounter everyday.  They are at ages 7 and 10 very mallable and are indeed forming into the women they will become.  They may not WANT to admit they are listening and taking notes -- but they are.

It is with great happiness that I can say my community is PACKED with positive female role models.  You know most of the time parents are busy berating the likes of Disney personalities and celebrities like Taylor Swift, nit-picking what they do well/do not do well on their pedestal of fame.  But, I truly think that my girls are more affected by the people they see on a daily basis...have personal contact with at school, church, home, dance class, piano class, playdates, and while mom and dad are away and they get to chat up a babysitter.

Here is a note to ALL TEENS that come in contact with kids (so, basically all of you!): 
THANK YOU!  Whether you know it or not, you ARE a role model.  There is not a moment that goes by where there is not some little girl or boy in the corner listening to your every word, learning how to behave, waiting for you to recognize and call them by name, treat them special in some way.  I know that sounds like you live in a fishbowl.  But, we all kinda do!  Sure....people like famous singers and actors get paid a lot more and get a lot more flack to be role models, but all teens have the chance to make a difference in the life of a child or young adult.  And here's another secret...we parents notice when you make a difference to our children.  When you call them by name, make a sweet comment about something they have done well, compliment them in anyway...we notice, and we are IMPRESSED.  I can only speak through the eyes of a mom of two dancers (we all know their interests can change in the drop of a hat...but for now, dance it is)....my 10 and 7 year olds have printed pics of ALL of their "idols" from the local dance company and have wallpapered their bedroom walls.  They keep pictures of treasured and loved babysitters framed in their rooms, on their bathroom mirror, and in the hallway.  If you dance or teach dance in our community, you know I am talking to you.  Just know that your smiles and kind words to EVERY little boy or girl that you pass backstage really DOES mean the world to them.  It makes them feel unique.

I am not naive enough to think my little city is a dance bubble.  We have amazing girl role models EVERYWHERE.  Ever heard of Becca Greenwell?  No?  Google her.  Amazing.  Every little basketball playin girl loves and adores her...they look for her at church, in the community, they want to BE her.  Swimmers?  We have AMAZING teen role models that make my jaw drop at every summer swim meet. It's the same with every single sport, hobby, talent....teens, you ARE someone's idol whether you want to be or not.  Just work to encourage the little people around you.  Take time to learn their names...talk to them...smile at them.  You have NO IDEA what an impact you are making.

In every sport, hobby, interest, you will find kids who have uniquenesses...maybe they are on the autism spectrum?  Have a learning disability? Have anxiety and depression? Are being abused at home? Have a parent with a terminal disease?  Maybe they are introverted?  Maybe they are being bullied?  Maybe they are the bullies?  Bottomline: you may NEVER enven KNOW that makes them unique!  Whatever the "unique situation"...your simple smile, acknowledgement to these kids could be THE thing they are needing at that moment.

I was a teenager once.  I get it.  You do not WANT the pressure of being a role model AND a person who is trying to figure out what kind of adult they want to be at the same time.  But, I am here to be your cheering section....I am here to tell the teens in MY community that you guys are ROCKING it.  You are rocking it in church, in the symphony, the choir, the band, on the stage, behind the scenes, in the grades you made, in the dedication you show to your endeavors...whatever those may be!  YOU are succeeding....and I hope my girls will one day remember what has been bestowed upon them and pay it forward.  If that is the case, this little community of mine will be one HECK of a place full of positive, loving, dedicated kids.  Will they the the BEST at everything they do?  Nope.  Will they be proud of the time and effort they put forward to BE the best person they can be?  I think so!

It's not just Taylor Swift who has this "magical power" over young adults....every teen can change a life.  And, hey....adults you can too ;-)  But, I am assuming you already know that (even though some of you like to curse like sailors in the presence of any aged child).  I'll tell you all about adults influencing other adults in a positive way when I finally find time to blog about the amazing church Arise experience I had over the past few months.

Much love to you all!
Keep up the good work, teens!  I think you are not given enough credit for being good role models.  You may now take your bow :-)

xoxo Jennifer

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Never Judge a Mom by the Cover

In general, one of the things I love most about being a Catholic is the fact that when you go to church no one gives a rip about what you wear/how your hair is fixed/if you have on make up....they are just pretty darned happy that you are THERE.  Maybe this is just our town?  Or even just my church?  But when I see a teeage girl still dirty and in her soccer gear sitting one pew over from an elderly lady when is wearing pink heels, pink pants, and what appears to the naked eye to be a pink snuggie (not exaggerating that outfit, it was hard to not notice it)....I gotta be honest....I don't bat an eye.  Well, I CATCHES my eye...but the only true thought that enters my head is, "Dang!  Glad they made it to church..."  I mean if no one says anything to me at Saturday night Mass after I have had a chemical peel along the lines of, "HOLY SMOKES, Jen!  Is your face falling off?"  Well, you know they are pretty much not judging ANYONE for what they look like in church.  Us Catholics just wantcha in the pews :-)

That said, there is another arena of life where I have  found people to judge both themselves AND others waaaaaay too harshly....that that's us mothers.  You know...when you get pregnant or start  thinking about having children, people talk about how it is "the hardest job on Earth...but one you wouldn't trade for anything."  It is amazing how true that is.  Give me 24 of someone ELSE'S children and I'll teach them science, writing, reading, math, etc until the cows come home....but lay a hormonal 9 year old girl, 7 year old carefree gal, and 4 year old "Flash Gordon" son on me, and I am pretty much just praying that NONE of them grow up and become drug dealers.  HOLY!  Please, Lord, don't let me mess up these little angels you sent to me!  Every single decision that you make....every single day....every single word out of your mouth...every single action -- they ALL have an affect on your children.  We all know that and that just ADDS to the pressure.

One of my friends has a motto that I LOVE, "Never judge another mother...you have NO idea what her day, her week, her life is like outside of that little window you see in the grocery store parking lot."  Wow.  Think about the truth behind that.  I think that we, as moms (and dads too), put on a pretty good front most of the time.  We smile; we carpool; we try to volunteer when we can; we send treats and snacks to school....but lots of times there are few, if ANY, people and friends that TRULY know what is on our hearts and minds.

It's easy to point a finger at another mom and say, "Look at what she did...." and rattle off a bunch of nonsense.  So, my personal goal in the face of this is to STOP and THINK.  Really?  Maybe this mom who lost her mind in the Walmart parking lot just found out that her husband has cancer?  Maybe one of her children has special needs?  Maybe her spouse is cheating on her?  Maybe she or her spouse has lost their job and now finances are in the gutter?  Maybe someone in her family...maybe even she herself...is battling some sort of substance abuse problem?  Maybe she is the glue holding it all together?  Maybe she has a migraine?  Maybe her own mother is falling into an Alzheimer's haze, and she is losing a little piece of her mom every day?  Maybe her cousin just committed suicide?  Really....the circumstances are endless.

We can not imagine what life is like for another just by looking at them from the outside.  LOTS of people can slap on a smile in the midst of a hurricane...and literally pull the wool right over the eyes of even the closest of friends.  Maybe that is how we are trained as women?  To be strong....to push forward....because when the chips fall, what is the option?  The kids still need to be fed, bathed, homework needs to be done, cross country/soccer/swimming/dance class/baseball practices and games must all be attended...with clean uniforms and attire in tow.  Moms don't really have an "off" switch.  It's a part of the job.  A job, that most mothers, would never, ever trade for all the world. 

So, as moms/women in general, can we cut each other just a little slack?  We are ALL gonna have that moment in the grocery store parking lot....a minimum of one tantrumming child (if not more) and a WHOLE lot more on our invisible plate that we are juggling.  Just remember your own moments when you see OTHERS have THEIR moments.  They need your support and prayers a lot more than than they need your judgement. 

Have a great week everyone!
xoxo Jennifer

Monday, August 20, 2012

Technology scares me...

So, let's get this straight...I am old.  37 at the end of this month. 3 kids in.  Old.  But I have come to terms that I am scared to death of  technology.

OBVIOUSLY I am not scared about technology as far as I am concerned..,hello Facebook, blog, and twitter.  But I  am pertrified as to how technology with affect my children. Let's break down my fears:

1.  I am unsure that most kids realize what they write on the internet is fair game.  It can be taken the wrong way.  It can hurt other's feelings.  It can cause a  sh*tstorm.  I was a teen once...I get it...you FEEL invincible, but you are not.  And I know as a parent that struggles not to "helicopter" that all I can do is steer my kids clear of social media for as long as possible...teach them how to lock down their privacy setting...and talk to the about how words are just as hurtful as fists.  Do unto others.  It is a lesson hard learned but one that must be passed onto the kids.  Even if I have to site my own shortcomings.

2. Imagine 1993 (those old enough), I head off to UK.  These are the days before cellphones were ANY sort of standard... Email. Not even a personal aol account until junior year in  college.   UK didn't even offer student accounts until my senior year, I think.  The fact that I learned how to use power point at college was EPIC at my first job interview,  Today?  Students head off college with a trail of info behind them.  They have NO chance to erase that past and move forward.  When they head off to college, there is a good chance that both amazing and awful(probably untrue)  info is following them on FB or twitter.  It makes me sad.  EVERYONE deserves the chance to find themselves/reinvent themselves in a new surrounding with new people.  College is the beginning to of the rest of your life!  It makes me sad that young people today head AWAY to college with a past. Boo!!!!!!!!  I mean, i was the only person on my floor in the Theta house with a computer if you only knew how many nights/early mornings I awoke to my sweet sisters typing/printing term papers. Good times:) Blissfully ignorant, happy times.

3. There is just no way to stop the forward movement of technology...but please God help my kids know how to use it appropriately. To know what is appropriate to post...to not post...to say....to not say.  Help them Not be the brunt of abuse of others...and most importantly, help them turn the other cheek and forgive when forgiveness is deserved.

Think about what you post/tweet/blog...think about those on the receiving end!

Xoxo Jennifer

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The Women's Locker Room

My husband made a VERY astute observation about me yesterday.  He said, "I mean, I TRY to keep everything about me private....whereas you LOOK for stuff in your daily life to put on the internet for everyone to read."  Well...BRAVO.  Only took him 15 years of marriage + 4 years of courtship to realize that he is in a relationship with a person who loves to WRITE about THINGS IN MY LIFE.  HA!  Quite the observer.  I DID tell him that I never reveal things about him PERSONALLY on my FB page or twitter or blog (which is true...I am not talking about his golf scores or his work clients or the arguements we may or may not have had) but to truly get a full perspective of the awesomeness that he is...I HAD to share that conversation.

Now..onto more important things.

I went to the gym yesterday.  (yes, go ahead with your collective gasps...since the friend who was mowing my yard might or might NOT have just hinted to me today that he thinks I am pregnant...which I AM NOT).  Got my arse kicked in a spinning class.  Which is really a WHOLE other blog.  I have decided that if you just took AUDIO from this class (the things the instructor is saying to us and all of our collective panting and groaning and cursing) that it could easily pass for a scene from a bad prono or a scene from Shades of Grey at the very least.  I digress...

This is a class that MUST be followed up with a shower.  Nasty, sweaty class.  And I did not want to drive all the way home since I had errands to run right around the gym area.  So, I take one for the team and pack up to shower at the gym.

Now, listen, I may have written about this in a blog before.  I can not remember.  And I am way too lazy to go back and look....but this visit was especially brutal. 

I have always considered women to be the more "modest" of the sexes.  Well...if that is the case then I cringe to think about what is happening over in the men's locker rooms.

Here's a list of things that irked me on this visit to the ladies locker room:

1.  PLEASE people...wear shower shoes!  It is a community shower.  Just because you have your own shower stall doesn't mean the person in there BEFORE you was not all skanky-footed.  Just remind yourself what it was like when you went off to college and had to shower there...damn right I'll bet you had shower shoes.  This is NOT different.

2.  The community hot tub/therapy tub....ugh!  Listen...hot tubs in general creep me out.  They are just nasty pools of germs as far as I am concerned, but when I see 6 older ladies all piled up in their talking bunions and bursitis, well, I am just sent right into an OCD frenzy.

3.  I get it...the older women get, they more "OK" we are with our bodies.  I mean, I told a friend this year that I KNEW I was getting older when I looked in the mirror at myself in a bathing suit and said, "Yep, this is the best I can do..." and walked right out.  BUT...ladies....let is not get SOOOO comfy that we just let it all hang out in the locker room.  Grab a towel, a spa wrap, I am even OK with just a bra and granny panties....but PUT SOMETHING ON.  Reach down deep and grab that last ounce of modesty you have...then use it...in the locker room.  Please.

4.  People who sit in the locker room -- preworkout, postworkout, or just killing time so they can TELL people they worked out -- and watch tv...in the locker room.  Now, this wouldn't both me AS much if the chairs and sofas were all leather or pleather.  THEY ARE NOT.  They are upholstered.  Now listen...most of the time people sitting there are clothed...but NOT ALWAYS.  So, what is IN those cushions?  I really don't like my mind to wander in that direction.  But, it scares me.  I about lost it yesterday when a lady was sitting their watching her "soap opera" (fully clothed, thank goodness) when I started drying my hair.  All of a sudden, I realize that I can hear the tv OVER the hair dryer that is right next to my ear.  Yep, lady cranked up the TV.  But it gets better...I had INTENTIONALLy waited until a commercial set to start drying my hair.  So, she was blasting eardrums in order to watch commercials!  Truth.  Dead truth.  The second her show was back on, I stopped drying my hair and she returned the volume to a normal level.  Crazy town.

5.  Creepers and Peepers.  I am super modest about dressing/undressing in front of others.  So, I am kind of like Houdini in the locker room.  I am out of my spa wrap and totally dressed in 5.7 seconds.  So on this day, I quick change into a little tank dress.  And an older lady who is two lockers down passes by me on her way out and says, "That sure is a cute dress."  How nice!  *note to self: wear this dress more often*  I reply with a simple, "Thanks so much!"  To which she retorts....and I QUOTE, "It looked really easy to get on as well."  Hold up!  Wait!  Push it back!  Here we go....  I think I stammered something akin to, "Yeeeaaahhh....I just step in and yank it right up....bye now."  But, the truth was lingering there in the air...the lady had been watching me dress!  And in those 5.7 seconds she determined that she liked the look of my clothing AND that it was easy to put on my body.  Helllllo stalky stalkerson.

So, an open invite to my friends....if I EVER lose my modesty in the gym locker room, please call me on it.  I mean, as it stands, I try to touch as FEW surfaces as possible while in there...I just can never imagine the day that I prance around in the buff sitting on upholstered furniture.  I mean...NO...not in my repertoire.  However, ladies out there...if I ever BECOME this person, just tranquilizer gun my naked ass, throw me into a spa wrap, and drag me out of there for good.  It will be for the betterment of the younger generation, and I will happily take one for the team if someone needs to be made example of in my older years.

Much love and happy weekend, all!
xoxo Jennifer