Well, thanks to my lovely stepsister...I found new inspiration for writing this blog. Not that I had FORGOTTEN the blog...it's just that time of year where there are 9 million things to do and about 3 days to do them in. BUT, my step sis forwarded me a blog post from "People I Want to Punch in the Throat" (or some variation thereof)....and that was it! The woman who writes this blog is genius. She nailed it. Yep...I too want to punch the "over achiving elf on the shelf moms" in the throat (mainly just because I forget to MOVE my elf unless they post a picture of what THEIR elf is doing on Facebook before I go to bed at night). Yep...I too could write a really flipping funny "Christmas newsletter" to go with my Christmas card....again people who deserve a good punch will write you one...just you wait. And so on and so forth.
So, here in this Christmas season...where we should be focusing our minds and hearts on the greatest gift of all....Jesus and God's love...I find myself making a mental list of "people I would like to punch in the throat"
1. Anyone who cuts in line in front of me at the double laned McDonald's drive thru. YES, this is VERY red neck of me. And I am OK with that... my 3 yr old has multiple food allergies, so McD's is pretty allergen friendly and we are there OFTEN. Get over it. This also means that I know the RULES of the two laned drive thru. Here they are: there is a POINT in the line where a car chooses to take the outside lane or inside line....WAIT until you get to that point. It is REALLLLLLY uncool to pass 10 cars who have been patiently waiting just to zip around and take the outside lane. I am cursing you in my car, LOUDLY, when you do this. Truth.
2. Anyone who struggles with the concept of sarcasm. I have long held that Facebook should have a "sarcasm font"....it is obvious that sarcasm is a dieing art. And you know what? I MASTERED in sarcasm...so this leaves me in AWKWARD positions a lot. I am just having to put *sarcasm* after my posts and comments now...which really takes away the magic of a good one liner.
3. Anyone who is overly PC. Can't take it people. There are too many holidays to remember...too many correct ethnicities to properly title. I do the best I can. Some of my best friends are of varying religions...varying ethnicities....I love them just as much as anyone else. Forgive me if I mess up from time to time.
4. Anyone who says, "I don't exercise...I just have good metabolism". Well....Good. For. You. Come have a talk with my jeans which are all currently TOO TIGHT...and see what you can do to my metabolism. I can work out like a maniac, train for a half marathon, get a stomach virus and sinus infection simultaneously, not eat for two days, and GAIN 2 lbs. Screw you, metabolism freaks.
5. Anyone who "occupies". I laughed and laughed and laughed for days when I first saw the "Occupy Owensboro" people on the corner of Frederica and Parrish. There were 4 people (maybe...I might be rounding up). When I drove past that corner a few months later and there were STILL a few stragglers, I laughed even harder. The signs are so helter skelter... "Save our schools" ; "People Not Money".... so on. I am pretty sure that if you corner 4 different "occupiers" that all 4 would tell you they are picketing diffferent (totally unrelated...and maybe even conflicting) points of view. I would like to know how many of these occupiers are active voters...and if so, for how many years have they been active voters? Are they politically active in their communities? Showing up a city/county govt. meetings??? I am going out on a limb here people....I am gonna say "NO!" Nope they are not.
6. Anyone who does not set their privacy settings on Facebook. I just do not get this. If you do not set your privacy settings, then EVERYTHING you post on your wall, pictures, etc. is viewable to the public. What is the point in having "friends" if everyone on God's green Earth can see what you write? You are opening youself up to creepers...like ME. I am a total creeper. I mean, there is nothing better than accidentally stumbling onto a person's page who you do not know at all and can see everything....their pics...their captions. Love it. Guys, you are becoming a huge time burglar of mine. Lock your FB pages, please....stop tempting me to see what weirdness you are up to today.
7. Anyone who is a creeper on Facebook...which when thought about in light of the #6 becomes a real oxymoron. But, I am obsessed with making sure that my FB page is locked down tight....so if you are not a FB friend of mine, try getting onto my page...and inbox me to let me know if you see anything. I will have to try, once again, to figure out how to hide myself from anyone that I do NOT want creeping.
8. Anyone with an uncluttered house. Basically this is just because I am jealous. VERY jealous. I can not escape clutter. I am buried in clutter (not like hoarders...but there is DEFINITELY a huge amount of CRAP in this house that needs to hit the skids...or the trash...or St. Vincent de Paul).
9. Anyone who is a successful multi-tasker. I try . I really do. But, I fail. Miserably. I am like an ADHD kid without their meds when I try to do too much. OK, let me address these Christmas cards ... wow look at all those dishes in the sink, let me load those in the dishwasher... crap the dishwasher is full....oh, I have laundry that needs to be put in the dryer....wow, clothes in the dryer...but laundry basket is full, must put away clean laundry first...wait...why is that dry cleaning hanging there? OH! Costume return for the show the kids were just in is TODAY...if I don't take it now I will have to pay a late fee...crap! And look at the time...I am late the the kids' Christmas program at school. Look, a shiny object! Chirstmas cards, what Christmas cards????? You see what I mean.
10. Anyone who refers to another city as "---Vegas". I have never been to Las Vegas...but I am pretty sure that NO place within a 3 hour drive of my little city in Kentucky is worthy of a "Vegas" tag line. I feel very confident in saying that.
I could go on...but like I said...this is the season to focus on your PATIENCE with others...to focus on LOVE...to focus on CHARITY and GIVING. In the process, I will try not to punch anyone in the throat. And to the blogger who came up with that inspirational blog...I THANK YOU. I am back, BABY! LOL!
Much love to you all!
xoxo
