Seriously...I should just STOP with that title. I mean, it really says it all, doesn't it? Can ANYTHING good come out of going out to eat with 3 children aged 8, 6, and nearly 3? Let me answer you in NO uncertain terms.....Hell to the NO. Nothing good at all.
Our journey began innocently enough...heading to Evansville. Needed to price some "big boy" beds since 2 year old monkey boy can climb both into and out of his crib....obviously for his safety it is time to upgrade....or get a crib tent to cage his little butt in. But, I digress....we were pricing the bedroom suit I liked. I have priced it locally, but wanted to SEE a piece in PERSON and I also knew this specific bedroom suit was being discontinued so I needed to step on it. We (hubby, 3 kids, me) go to the furniture store....I know the EXACT number of the items I want priced....and let me tell you something....I may have been a school teacher but even I know this sales guy SUCKED. He refused to write down prices for me to take with me....so I stole his pen and a piece of HIS scrap paper right in front of him and wrote it down myself. He wanted to know my exact quotes from the Oboro places I had been too....I refused to tell him. Actually, I lied and said I did not have the prices with me...wanted to do all my cross checking at home. Well, he was not happy with me on this issue. Shoots me a VERY high price and says "Just call with your quotes and I will match them." Yes, I will not be purchasing from you Evasville man! Spit! But, the best part of this escapade...is that while he is pretending that he can't pull up prices on the computer for me to see (lie)....my kids are going ape sh*t crazy. Jumping on beds...trying to climb the bunks....my poor hubby is near heart attack level. I loved that the sales guy was like, "So, you don't want THIS bunk bed that's on clearance here?" A. I wasn't pricing the effing bunk bed. B. Did he not SEE my children? My kids would KILL themselves with access to bunk beds! Idiot.
So, off our happy family heads (already on edge after that hair raising experience of NO ONE doing what they are supposed to be doing) to Outback Steakhouse. Good choice for our lil guy with egg and peanut/tree nut allergies. Our fun starts with my 2 year old SCREECHING b/c he doesn't want to sit in the high chair. I am certain all patrons around us are already huge FANS of ours. He gets settled in and begins coloring the menu, the table, himself. His drink comes in a stryfoam cup that he immediately starts trying to poke holes in...hubby has to go to the van and get the sippie cup that he left in the car to use from that point forward....cut to more screaming from 2 year old. It only seems like 600 years before food arrives and during that time I assess that my 8 year old and 6 year old must both be hard of hearing....they talk as LOUD as any kids ever. I am shushing them...2 year old is yelling random things...girls are laughing and instigating the situation. Bad. Everyone finally gets food....Vince with his grilled chicken and French fries all allergen friendly. Well, of course the only thing he WANTS are the French fries. I start trying to feed him the chicken...that ends in more screeching.
Out of no where? My 2 year old screams, "I need to potty!" I ignore, I mean it is a public restroom and I KNOW kids just like the adventure...we all know he won't even go at HOME. He persists. So, I bargain with him...."Take a bite of chicken and I will take you to the potty". He of course scarfs down a piece immediately....off we head. Of course, I have to put his SHOES on him first, as he ditched those and THREW them across the restaurant within 5 minutes of arriving at the restaurant. Sweet. We get into the bathroom and I will commend Outback for clean restrooms! We head to the handicapped stall (go ahead and argue the point...but having a 2 year old who wants to "go" constitutes as a handicap in my book). My 2 year old is arguing that he wants to STAND to go...not so much...I force him onto the toilet seat...he touches EVERY SINGLE SURFACE KNOWN TO MAN AND BEAST...passes gas...and says "All done!" Seriously?????????? Yes. And, by this point, he has diaper off, pants off, and yes shoes off. I am freaking out (germaphobe) and trying to AT LEAST get his shoes on him. Nope. He has to be fully diapered and have his shorts back on before he agrees to put his shoes back on! Again, very nice. We wash hand thoroughly...only to have a towel dispenser that is JAMMED. I unjam the mother...and turn to find my 2 year old cleaning the floor with his HANDS. Rewash. Lovely. Back to table.
I had, inadvertently, promised both of my girls they could have dessert after dinner. I had bribed Sarah at swim practice if she didn't grab a life guard while swimming or the lane line that she could have ice cream....and Reese "won" the family art contest (that she set up herself and I was the judge...it was only between her and her father...), so both had "earned" dessert as a reward. Well, listen, dinner was OVER people...I was ready to go. While the girls are eating dessert and laughing INCESSANTLY and LOUDLY... I am still trying to force feed my 2 year old grilled chicken. I have hidden all his French fries...and the hubby has the idea that maybe young Jedi would eat his chicken if he has a dip....like A1. In he dives...and screeches, "It burns my mouth! It really does!!!!" From that point on....he is "scared" of the chicken. Obviously. He is also asking for dessert...and we are telling him that he hasn't eaten enough chicken....it's a bad circle of circumstances.
The ride home is no better. Both girls know they are in trouble for their constant loudness and laughing. When I told them I was disappointed in them for "encouraging" their brother....my 6 year old looked at me and said, "Yeah...we were ENCOURAGING him to eat his chicken, I would THINK you'd be happy!" Oh heavens! 2 year old is yelling that he wants to see the river all....the...way....home.
In short, I reallllly do not recommended outings with 3 children....especially to public places...where you have to use public restrooms...and ruin not only your own meals, but also the meals of others.
Happy day, all!
xoxo Jennifer
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Oh Poo....
I have said this once...and I will say it again...unless you are a mother or a pediatrician you have NO idea how much time is actually spent discussing the intestinal issues of children. Basically parents/drs examine and analyze every BM that a child passes...it's a constant conversation piece when I am running in the a.m. with my friends. Sad, but true. So, AGAIN, like I have said....put on your big kid pants and deal with it. This is blog is about Poo.
Bottom line? I am fairly certain that Vince is going to be heading off to college in a diaper...by that time, I will hopefully have taught him to at least WIPE and change himself...but I am shuttering at the amount of $$ I will be shelling out for pullups...especially once alcohol gets introduced to his system. And, we all KNOW, that this will NOT happen until his junion yr of college when he is 21 years old, thank you VERY much. But , I digress...
I knew that this summer (the summer before he turns 3 in August) was the time to start potty training. I was also totally prepared for the fact that boys TYPICALLY train later than girls. Reese was totally trained and wearing undies by 3....Sarah even earlier (she taught herself....the same way she is going to teach herself to silently override the household security system later in her life and sneak out to meet boys....I am not stupid, people....). Sooooo....we try.
First stop? The "potty watch"....it sings a song every 20-30 min to remind the child to sit on the potty and give it a try. Yeah...he spent the enture day trying to get the watch OFF and pushing buttons that caused the watch to NOT chime on time, etc. Problematic. I put that idea away in a drawer.
Next stop? Pull-ups.....CARS version. We LOVE us some Lightning McQueen in this house. It would be HORRENDOUS to soil McQueen....one would THINK. Yeah...I set the timer on the oven to go off every 20 min (and had my sweet sitter do the same thing that day), we made him sit every time the timer beeped. Never ONCE did he go...except IN the pull up. Literally, he would sit and hold it...then pee in the diaper the SECOND I pulled his pants up. Jerkstore. And poo + pullups = UGLY.....so, bag that idea (literally bag it in a ziploc and send it to the dumpster) and abandon that ship for a bit as well.
Funny anecdotes? #1. My son is the ONLY one of my children to ever actually poo in a swim diaper. And ANYONE who has dealt with this situation knows/feels my PAIN. It's almost like chlorinated water is an enema for this kid! He literally, on two separate occassions, got OUT of the pool, came to me and said, "I gotta poop! Let's go change my diaper!" Yep....already GONE in his pants. Again...jerkstore. I had that moment of "Do I try and deal with this problem with just wipes/towel or hose him down in the SHOWER?")
#2. He walked INTO the bathroom today....and walked out with me. Immediately I can smell him. I ask, "Why in the world did you poop in your diaper while you were STANDING in the bathroom? Poop goes in the potty, honey." My son responded, "I didn't go in the bathroom....I went in the living room." Sweet. Touche young Jedi.....
So bascially, I KNOW my kid is smart enough and capable enough to potty train....he just doesn't want to. I am tempted to sent his naked butt out back and let whatever happen just HAPPEN. I know this works for others....but I can just imagine a REALLY bad scene. My son DID just fingerpaint his crib pad with poo not too long ago. When asked WHY he put his hand in poo....he responded, " I didn't....I just put it in a toot...and then washed it off" -- he said this while giving a sweeping motion across his chest....where you coudl see the brown streaks of his artwork. Nice stuff.
So, yeah, your words of encouragement will help....but I am just happy that diapers.com sells in bulk and has free home (or college) delivery... (that's for all you extreme couponers out there....a SWEET website that I did not discover until baby #3...damnit! And....you couponers are on my list to to-dos for blogging...even tho I love you! Along with other blogs to address chaos at kids' events and us Type A moms that can NOT freaking take it!!!!!!!!).
Much love all...have a fantab weekend!
xoxo Jennifer
Bottom line? I am fairly certain that Vince is going to be heading off to college in a diaper...by that time, I will hopefully have taught him to at least WIPE and change himself...but I am shuttering at the amount of $$ I will be shelling out for pullups...especially once alcohol gets introduced to his system. And, we all KNOW, that this will NOT happen until his junion yr of college when he is 21 years old, thank you VERY much. But , I digress...
I knew that this summer (the summer before he turns 3 in August) was the time to start potty training. I was also totally prepared for the fact that boys TYPICALLY train later than girls. Reese was totally trained and wearing undies by 3....Sarah even earlier (she taught herself....the same way she is going to teach herself to silently override the household security system later in her life and sneak out to meet boys....I am not stupid, people....). Sooooo....we try.
First stop? The "potty watch"....it sings a song every 20-30 min to remind the child to sit on the potty and give it a try. Yeah...he spent the enture day trying to get the watch OFF and pushing buttons that caused the watch to NOT chime on time, etc. Problematic. I put that idea away in a drawer.
Next stop? Pull-ups.....CARS version. We LOVE us some Lightning McQueen in this house. It would be HORRENDOUS to soil McQueen....one would THINK. Yeah...I set the timer on the oven to go off every 20 min (and had my sweet sitter do the same thing that day), we made him sit every time the timer beeped. Never ONCE did he go...except IN the pull up. Literally, he would sit and hold it...then pee in the diaper the SECOND I pulled his pants up. Jerkstore. And poo + pullups = UGLY.....so, bag that idea (literally bag it in a ziploc and send it to the dumpster) and abandon that ship for a bit as well.
Funny anecdotes? #1. My son is the ONLY one of my children to ever actually poo in a swim diaper. And ANYONE who has dealt with this situation knows/feels my PAIN. It's almost like chlorinated water is an enema for this kid! He literally, on two separate occassions, got OUT of the pool, came to me and said, "I gotta poop! Let's go change my diaper!" Yep....already GONE in his pants. Again...jerkstore. I had that moment of "Do I try and deal with this problem with just wipes/towel or hose him down in the SHOWER?")
#2. He walked INTO the bathroom today....and walked out with me. Immediately I can smell him. I ask, "Why in the world did you poop in your diaper while you were STANDING in the bathroom? Poop goes in the potty, honey." My son responded, "I didn't go in the bathroom....I went in the living room." Sweet. Touche young Jedi.....
So bascially, I KNOW my kid is smart enough and capable enough to potty train....he just doesn't want to. I am tempted to sent his naked butt out back and let whatever happen just HAPPEN. I know this works for others....but I can just imagine a REALLY bad scene. My son DID just fingerpaint his crib pad with poo not too long ago. When asked WHY he put his hand in poo....he responded, " I didn't....I just put it in a toot...and then washed it off" -- he said this while giving a sweeping motion across his chest....where you coudl see the brown streaks of his artwork. Nice stuff.
So, yeah, your words of encouragement will help....but I am just happy that diapers.com sells in bulk and has free home (or college) delivery... (that's for all you extreme couponers out there....a SWEET website that I did not discover until baby #3...damnit! And....you couponers are on my list to to-dos for blogging...even tho I love you! Along with other blogs to address chaos at kids' events and us Type A moms that can NOT freaking take it!!!!!!!!).
Much love all...have a fantab weekend!
xoxo Jennifer
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Early Onset Dementia
It is a hard burden to bear....but after giving birth to 3 children, I have officially been left with approximately 50 brain cells....and those are failing me or being slowly killed off by Pinot Noir. So, here I am 35 years old (yes, STILL younger than all my classmates...pbbbbbbt! You THOUGHT you were cool when you could drive legally/drink legally before me....but whose laughing NOW?!) and dealing with what I can only describe as early onset dementia. Here is a recount of my day....as written through the eyes of my LOST KEYS:
Yep...Jennifer is a special gal. "Special" as in she needs both hands to find her rear-end a good portion of the time. Today, I spent the entire day laying in wait as she frantically searched for me...screeching "WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS?" "HOW COULD I HAVE LOST THEM?" "WHERE COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE?" and other variations thereof. The answer, of course, is that I was RIGHT WHERE SHE LEFT ME. Idiot. She really does have some sort of memory problem. Literally, she frantically texted friends about me...retraced her steps since her last TRUE memory of having me was when she drove to/from church...and literally turned the house UPSIDE DOWN. She was CERTAIN that her 2 year old had grabbed them off the counter and hidden them somewhere. She tore apart every toy box, went through every cabinet and drawer, she even looked in the refrigerator! Again, IDIOT.
Next step? Call the people who drove her Pinot Noir-ed butt home last night....b/c CERTAINLY us keys must had fallen out of her purse in their truck. Really? Buy a dang purse that ZIPS up and closes all the way. No way us keys would fall out. No, Jennifer, we are NOT in the floorboard of the car! Next stop... she runs into another person who was in the same restaurant as her last night and asks if THEY saw us (her keys). Ummm....no. Although that humongous pink keychain that we are on and she wears around her wrist while typically toting one of her 3 crying children around to some extracurrirular activity that they are b*tching about going to but she is MAKING them attend b/c it is "good for them" would be REALLY hard to miss. I swear, she is a hot mess.
Step 3? Go and comb the grass and parking lot of the restaurant. The restaurant was not open today, so she could not call. Of course, this is a NO GO. That's not where she PUT us. Idiot.
What is best about this story is that Jennifer has NO idea that she never even HAD us...the WHOLE night. She had her 8 year old lock the door behind them when they LEFT the house...and they (evidentally) used her husband's keys to get back in. Neither of them could REMEMBER this. Again...special, pinot noir-ed, early onset dementia girl we are dealing with here.
So....have we been found? Yes. By Jennifer or her hoard of 3 children that tore up the whole house? No. By Jennifer's husband. Because we were laying on the back floorbard of his truck. She failed to remember that when she got home from church, the FIRST thing her hubby asked her to do was secure the 2 year old's car seat in his truck. Down went the keys....and there we sat ALLLLL day watching her crazy a$$ run around the house acting the fool. Geez. Someone get this chick some ginko biloba....or another glass of Pinot....whatever!
And fwiw, what is she doing right NOW? After tearing this house up and realizing that they WHOLE place needs to be de-hoarded and organized? She's writing a freaking blog entry from the point of view of her KEYS. Dang. That's totally normal.....
xoxo Jennifer's keys
Have a great night all!
Yep...Jennifer is a special gal. "Special" as in she needs both hands to find her rear-end a good portion of the time. Today, I spent the entire day laying in wait as she frantically searched for me...screeching "WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS?" "HOW COULD I HAVE LOST THEM?" "WHERE COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE?" and other variations thereof. The answer, of course, is that I was RIGHT WHERE SHE LEFT ME. Idiot. She really does have some sort of memory problem. Literally, she frantically texted friends about me...retraced her steps since her last TRUE memory of having me was when she drove to/from church...and literally turned the house UPSIDE DOWN. She was CERTAIN that her 2 year old had grabbed them off the counter and hidden them somewhere. She tore apart every toy box, went through every cabinet and drawer, she even looked in the refrigerator! Again, IDIOT.
Next step? Call the people who drove her Pinot Noir-ed butt home last night....b/c CERTAINLY us keys must had fallen out of her purse in their truck. Really? Buy a dang purse that ZIPS up and closes all the way. No way us keys would fall out. No, Jennifer, we are NOT in the floorboard of the car! Next stop... she runs into another person who was in the same restaurant as her last night and asks if THEY saw us (her keys). Ummm....no. Although that humongous pink keychain that we are on and she wears around her wrist while typically toting one of her 3 crying children around to some extracurrirular activity that they are b*tching about going to but she is MAKING them attend b/c it is "good for them" would be REALLY hard to miss. I swear, she is a hot mess.
Step 3? Go and comb the grass and parking lot of the restaurant. The restaurant was not open today, so she could not call. Of course, this is a NO GO. That's not where she PUT us. Idiot.
What is best about this story is that Jennifer has NO idea that she never even HAD us...the WHOLE night. She had her 8 year old lock the door behind them when they LEFT the house...and they (evidentally) used her husband's keys to get back in. Neither of them could REMEMBER this. Again...special, pinot noir-ed, early onset dementia girl we are dealing with here.
So....have we been found? Yes. By Jennifer or her hoard of 3 children that tore up the whole house? No. By Jennifer's husband. Because we were laying on the back floorbard of his truck. She failed to remember that when she got home from church, the FIRST thing her hubby asked her to do was secure the 2 year old's car seat in his truck. Down went the keys....and there we sat ALLLLL day watching her crazy a$$ run around the house acting the fool. Geez. Someone get this chick some ginko biloba....or another glass of Pinot....whatever!
And fwiw, what is she doing right NOW? After tearing this house up and realizing that they WHOLE place needs to be de-hoarded and organized? She's writing a freaking blog entry from the point of view of her KEYS. Dang. That's totally normal.....
xoxo Jennifer's keys
Have a great night all!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Why Do I Exercise?
Summer is here...and I am amazed at how there is not a single moment in my day to sit and ponder the fun stuff in life on this blog. I mean, between dance recitals, swim team practices, loads of laundry, and just general life as a mom.....I can already tell this summer is gonna fly by. The one thing that I do my very very very best to try and schedule every day (OK....at least 5 times/week)??? Exercise.
Whether I hit the gym for treadmill or spinning class, run with friends at 5:30 in the a.m., go to a group bootcamp or training session, or exercise at home....I really do schedule exercise into my day. The big question is WHY? I mean, it SUCKS to get up at 5:15 a.m. to run in 85 degree temps (or 25 degree temps as the case may be). It is a scheduling nightmare if I do NOT get up with the chickens....getting kids ready for swimteam, fed, dressed, to childcare/ready for a baby sitter, and to gym on TIME -- which, let's be honest, NEVER HAPPENS. So, again, back to the big burning question of WHY?
The greatest answer would be "I have always been an avid runner and exerciser my whole life....I can't remember a time when I didn't love a good run or sweaty workout. It's just always been a part of my life." That answer would be a LIE. I always loved dancing...which is definitely exercise...but my friends from high school will tell you that I did EVERYTHING to try and get out of running the ONE MILE required during freshman year gym class. Once I hit college...I liked beer, not exercise. I did not start exercising regularly until I was an adult and ready to start a family. One of my high school friends was at the finish line when I finished my first 5K and I am pretty sure that she thought she was having a heat stroke or hallucinating when I crosssed the finishline.
The most politically correct answer would be: to keep my cholesterol, blood pressure, weight, bone density all in check. To be the healthiest me that I can be. This would also probably be a lie. Not that I DON'T want to be healthy. I DO have genetically high cholesterol....but I also like to eat junk. And alcohol is my friend. Sorry. The truth hurts, people. So, while I would LOVE for my thighs to not jiggle and my belly to be taut like a drum....I have come to terms with the fact that my love to food/drink and having given birth to 3 children = a body that will NEVER be perfection. I love the people at the pool who talk about how "modest" the bathing suits are -- I think the quote was "even tiny little people like you who workout like everyday stay all covered up". I had to explain that, really, after 3 kids there are just parts of your body that the general public doesn't need to see....unless a plastic surgeon is involved....because there ain't no amount of exercise that is gonna erase that mess.
The most honest answer? Friendship. Exercise is the ONE time during the day that I actually get to interact with other adults (or be totally alone if I need that as well)....most of them, just like me, are fighting to keep exercise in their daily regimen. When we run at the crack of dawn, or go to spinning class together, or bitch and complain our way through a bootcamp....we laugh. We laugh and we talk and we connect. It's nice to HEAR what is going on with your friends....and typically we all have children we are chasing when we are together....very little actual TALKING or LISTENING can be done under those circumstances. I enjoy seeing my friends in a kid-free environment...if even for 30 or 40 min. I love knowing that other moms are fighting the same battles with their kids that I am. I love the commaraderie that we share. We laugh about being a "wolf pack" (per The Hangover....) and we are always looking for new members to join our wolfpack. That's a nice feeling. A big wolf pack of ladies....actually doing something GOOD for ourselves...our minds, our bodies....all the time talking about what we will be eating/drinking later that day and night ;-)
Find fun friends to exercise with....it makes the torture a LOT more bearable. Plus, it makes you get up and out of bed at 5:00 a.m. if you know 4 people are waiting for you!!!!!!
Happy beginning of summer, everyone!
xoxo
Whether I hit the gym for treadmill or spinning class, run with friends at 5:30 in the a.m., go to a group bootcamp or training session, or exercise at home....I really do schedule exercise into my day. The big question is WHY? I mean, it SUCKS to get up at 5:15 a.m. to run in 85 degree temps (or 25 degree temps as the case may be). It is a scheduling nightmare if I do NOT get up with the chickens....getting kids ready for swimteam, fed, dressed, to childcare/ready for a baby sitter, and to gym on TIME -- which, let's be honest, NEVER HAPPENS. So, again, back to the big burning question of WHY?
The greatest answer would be "I have always been an avid runner and exerciser my whole life....I can't remember a time when I didn't love a good run or sweaty workout. It's just always been a part of my life." That answer would be a LIE. I always loved dancing...which is definitely exercise...but my friends from high school will tell you that I did EVERYTHING to try and get out of running the ONE MILE required during freshman year gym class. Once I hit college...I liked beer, not exercise. I did not start exercising regularly until I was an adult and ready to start a family. One of my high school friends was at the finish line when I finished my first 5K and I am pretty sure that she thought she was having a heat stroke or hallucinating when I crosssed the finishline.
The most politically correct answer would be: to keep my cholesterol, blood pressure, weight, bone density all in check. To be the healthiest me that I can be. This would also probably be a lie. Not that I DON'T want to be healthy. I DO have genetically high cholesterol....but I also like to eat junk. And alcohol is my friend. Sorry. The truth hurts, people. So, while I would LOVE for my thighs to not jiggle and my belly to be taut like a drum....I have come to terms with the fact that my love to food/drink and having given birth to 3 children = a body that will NEVER be perfection. I love the people at the pool who talk about how "modest" the bathing suits are -- I think the quote was "even tiny little people like you who workout like everyday stay all covered up". I had to explain that, really, after 3 kids there are just parts of your body that the general public doesn't need to see....unless a plastic surgeon is involved....because there ain't no amount of exercise that is gonna erase that mess.
The most honest answer? Friendship. Exercise is the ONE time during the day that I actually get to interact with other adults (or be totally alone if I need that as well)....most of them, just like me, are fighting to keep exercise in their daily regimen. When we run at the crack of dawn, or go to spinning class together, or bitch and complain our way through a bootcamp....we laugh. We laugh and we talk and we connect. It's nice to HEAR what is going on with your friends....and typically we all have children we are chasing when we are together....very little actual TALKING or LISTENING can be done under those circumstances. I enjoy seeing my friends in a kid-free environment...if even for 30 or 40 min. I love knowing that other moms are fighting the same battles with their kids that I am. I love the commaraderie that we share. We laugh about being a "wolf pack" (per The Hangover....) and we are always looking for new members to join our wolfpack. That's a nice feeling. A big wolf pack of ladies....actually doing something GOOD for ourselves...our minds, our bodies....all the time talking about what we will be eating/drinking later that day and night ;-)
Find fun friends to exercise with....it makes the torture a LOT more bearable. Plus, it makes you get up and out of bed at 5:00 a.m. if you know 4 people are waiting for you!!!!!!
Happy beginning of summer, everyone!
xoxo
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