Seriously...I should just STOP with that title. I mean, it really says it all, doesn't it? Can ANYTHING good come out of going out to eat with 3 children aged 8, 6, and nearly 3? Let me answer you in NO uncertain terms.....Hell to the NO. Nothing good at all.
Our journey began innocently enough...heading to Evansville. Needed to price some "big boy" beds since 2 year old monkey boy can climb both into and out of his crib....obviously for his safety it is time to upgrade....or get a crib tent to cage his little butt in. But, I digress....we were pricing the bedroom suit I liked. I have priced it locally, but wanted to SEE a piece in PERSON and I also knew this specific bedroom suit was being discontinued so I needed to step on it. We (hubby, 3 kids, me) go to the furniture store....I know the EXACT number of the items I want priced....and let me tell you something....I may have been a school teacher but even I know this sales guy SUCKED. He refused to write down prices for me to take with me....so I stole his pen and a piece of HIS scrap paper right in front of him and wrote it down myself. He wanted to know my exact quotes from the Oboro places I had been too....I refused to tell him. Actually, I lied and said I did not have the prices with me...wanted to do all my cross checking at home. Well, he was not happy with me on this issue. Shoots me a VERY high price and says "Just call with your quotes and I will match them." Yes, I will not be purchasing from you Evasville man! Spit! But, the best part of this escapade...is that while he is pretending that he can't pull up prices on the computer for me to see (lie)....my kids are going ape sh*t crazy. Jumping on beds...trying to climb the bunks....my poor hubby is near heart attack level. I loved that the sales guy was like, "So, you don't want THIS bunk bed that's on clearance here?" A. I wasn't pricing the effing bunk bed. B. Did he not SEE my children? My kids would KILL themselves with access to bunk beds! Idiot.
So, off our happy family heads (already on edge after that hair raising experience of NO ONE doing what they are supposed to be doing) to Outback Steakhouse. Good choice for our lil guy with egg and peanut/tree nut allergies. Our fun starts with my 2 year old SCREECHING b/c he doesn't want to sit in the high chair. I am certain all patrons around us are already huge FANS of ours. He gets settled in and begins coloring the menu, the table, himself. His drink comes in a stryfoam cup that he immediately starts trying to poke holes in...hubby has to go to the van and get the sippie cup that he left in the car to use from that point forward....cut to more screaming from 2 year old. It only seems like 600 years before food arrives and during that time I assess that my 8 year old and 6 year old must both be hard of hearing....they talk as LOUD as any kids ever. I am shushing them...2 year old is yelling random things...girls are laughing and instigating the situation. Bad. Everyone finally gets food....Vince with his grilled chicken and French fries all allergen friendly. Well, of course the only thing he WANTS are the French fries. I start trying to feed him the chicken...that ends in more screeching.
Out of no where? My 2 year old screams, "I need to potty!" I ignore, I mean it is a public restroom and I KNOW kids just like the adventure...we all know he won't even go at HOME. He persists. So, I bargain with him...."Take a bite of chicken and I will take you to the potty". He of course scarfs down a piece immediately....off we head. Of course, I have to put his SHOES on him first, as he ditched those and THREW them across the restaurant within 5 minutes of arriving at the restaurant. Sweet. We get into the bathroom and I will commend Outback for clean restrooms! We head to the handicapped stall (go ahead and argue the point...but having a 2 year old who wants to "go" constitutes as a handicap in my book). My 2 year old is arguing that he wants to STAND to go...not so much...I force him onto the toilet seat...he touches EVERY SINGLE SURFACE KNOWN TO MAN AND BEAST...passes gas...and says "All done!" Seriously?????????? Yes. And, by this point, he has diaper off, pants off, and yes shoes off. I am freaking out (germaphobe) and trying to AT LEAST get his shoes on him. Nope. He has to be fully diapered and have his shorts back on before he agrees to put his shoes back on! Again, very nice. We wash hand thoroughly...only to have a towel dispenser that is JAMMED. I unjam the mother...and turn to find my 2 year old cleaning the floor with his HANDS. Rewash. Lovely. Back to table.
I had, inadvertently, promised both of my girls they could have dessert after dinner. I had bribed Sarah at swim practice if she didn't grab a life guard while swimming or the lane line that she could have ice cream....and Reese "won" the family art contest (that she set up herself and I was the judge...it was only between her and her father...), so both had "earned" dessert as a reward. Well, listen, dinner was OVER people...I was ready to go. While the girls are eating dessert and laughing INCESSANTLY and LOUDLY... I am still trying to force feed my 2 year old grilled chicken. I have hidden all his French fries...and the hubby has the idea that maybe young Jedi would eat his chicken if he has a dip....like A1. In he dives...and screeches, "It burns my mouth! It really does!!!!" From that point on....he is "scared" of the chicken. Obviously. He is also asking for dessert...and we are telling him that he hasn't eaten enough chicken....it's a bad circle of circumstances.
The ride home is no better. Both girls know they are in trouble for their constant loudness and laughing. When I told them I was disappointed in them for "encouraging" their brother....my 6 year old looked at me and said, "Yeah...we were ENCOURAGING him to eat his chicken, I would THINK you'd be happy!" Oh heavens! 2 year old is yelling that he wants to see the river all....the...way....home.
In short, I reallllly do not recommended outings with 3 children....especially to public places...where you have to use public restrooms...and ruin not only your own meals, but also the meals of others.
Happy day, all!
xoxo Jennifer
Not the day you envisioned? Like when all three kids follow the momma like ducklings? When they get out of line, an evil look from the dad forces them into submission and silence? And, at an allergy free eatery you think they would be so hungry they would gobble up the food because it's so much better than what they get at the OCC (grilled cheese). I don't know why they can't look out the window at the pretty CORN and cows and just enjoy being chauffeured around in luxury seats with drink holders. I often tell my kids they WORSE they act the longer and more often mommy is going to take them shopping. After 4 stores, and equally embarrassing actions, they start behaving. I'm quite patient. I know the store associates that hate me and they move a lot more quickly when I go back!
ReplyDeleteAwesome. Sound exactly like our attempts to eat out. And no matter how many times I say, "Don't touch ANYTHING!" in the bathroom, one of them is inevitably wiping his hand on something. Glad ours aren't the only crazy/loud/screechy kids around :)
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