Early Onset Dementia

It is a hard burden to bear....but after giving birth to 3 children, I have officially been left with approximately 50 brain cells....and those are failing me or being slowly killed off by Pinot Noir.  So, here I am 35 years old (yes, STILL younger than all my classmates...pbbbbbbt!  You THOUGHT you were cool when you could drive legally/drink legally before me....but whose laughing NOW?!) and dealing with what I can only describe as early onset dementia.  Here is a recount of my day....as written through the eyes of my LOST KEYS:

Yep...Jennifer is a special gal.  "Special" as in she needs both hands to find her rear-end a good portion of the time.  Today, I spent the entire day laying in wait as she frantically searched for me...screeching "WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS?"  "HOW COULD I HAVE LOST THEM?"  "WHERE COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE?"  and other variations thereof.  The answer, of course, is that I was RIGHT WHERE SHE LEFT ME.  Idiot.  She really does have some sort of memory problem.  Literally, she frantically texted friends about me...retraced her steps since her last TRUE memory of having me was when she drove to/from church...and literally turned the house UPSIDE DOWN.  She was CERTAIN that her 2 year old had grabbed them off the counter and hidden them somewhere.  She tore apart every toy box, went through every cabinet and drawer, she even looked in the refrigerator!  Again, IDIOT. 

Next step?  Call the people who drove her Pinot Noir-ed butt home last night....b/c CERTAINLY us keys must had fallen out of her purse in their truck.  Really?  Buy a dang purse that ZIPS up and closes all the way.  No way us keys would fall out. No, Jennifer, we are NOT in the floorboard of the car! Next stop... she runs into another person who was in the same restaurant as her last night and asks if THEY saw us (her keys).  Ummm....no.  Although that humongous pink keychain that we are on and she wears around her wrist while typically toting one of her 3 crying children around to some extracurrirular activity that they are b*tching about going to but she is MAKING them attend b/c it is "good for them" would be REALLY hard to miss.  I swear, she is a hot mess.

Step 3?  Go and comb the grass and parking lot of the restaurant.  The restaurant was not open today, so she could not call.  Of course, this is a NO GO.  That's not where she PUT us.  Idiot.

What is best about this story is that Jennifer has NO idea that she never even HAD us...the WHOLE night.  She had her 8 year old lock the door behind them when they LEFT the house...and they (evidentally) used her husband's keys to get back in.  Neither of them could REMEMBER this.  Again...special, pinot noir-ed, early onset dementia girl we are dealing with here.

So....have we been found?  Yes.  By Jennifer or her hoard of 3 children that tore up the whole house?  No.  By Jennifer's husband.  Because we were laying on the back floorbard of his truck.  She failed to remember that when she got home from church, the FIRST thing her hubby asked her to do was secure the 2 year old's car seat in his truck.  Down went the keys....and there we sat ALLLLL day watching her crazy a$$ run around the house acting the fool.  Geez.  Someone get this chick some ginko biloba....or another glass of Pinot....whatever! 

And fwiw, what is she doing right NOW?  After tearing this house up and realizing that they WHOLE place needs to be de-hoarded and organized?  She's writing a freaking blog entry from the point of view of her KEYS.  Dang.  That's totally normal.....

xoxo Jennifer's keys
Have a great night all!