Every year during Lent, I spend time in reflection. What does God want me to be doing better? More often? Less often? How can I be a better person, not just during the
Lenten season but all throughout the year?
One of the Lenten traditions that I have picked up is pretty simple:
writing letters.
It’s easy because it takes very little time to let someone
know how very much they are appreciated.
How often do we really stop to thank the people in our lives that make
an impact…that inspire us…that lead us to be better people? Maybe it is the person who sits next to us
every week at church and suffers through our children’s antics; maybe it is a neighbor; someone who helps
with carpool; someone who makes you smile; someone who does their job so well
that it makes your life easier! So, with
that, I try to find at least several new people to write to each year.
This year during Lent I really wanted to write something
specific and special to my daughters (ages 13 and 11). They are hitting those “ages” where life is
not a perfect little bubble anymore, so-called “friends” can be mean and cruel,
you WON’T get invited to every party, something embarrassing WILL happen at
school, and yes, your mother WILL embarrass you in all other arenas.
But, I wanted to let them know this Lent that they are so
unique (each 100% the opposite of the other) and so loved. It was important for me to say that even though they feel the weight of the
world on their shoulders some days, I want them to know Mom and Dad are here to
protect and support them.
Honestly, I write something similar every year in their
birthday cards, Easter cards, Valentine’s Day cards, etc. They read them (or not) and toss them in a
drawer. SO…that being said, I wanted to
write these ideas and words of advice to them so that they were easily
accessible. Something they could look
back at….when they are mad at me, upset with a friend, nervous, jealous, or just unsure of
who they are. As I made my list of
things that I REALLY wanted to get across to them, I decided that most of these
thoughts are good for ALL kids….girls and boys alike...as well as adults. Therefore, I am writing these messages here…
not just for my girls (and 7 year old son who will need similar words one day),
but also for you and your children. It
takes a village…so let’s help another when we can!
TO YOU…..
1. DO NOT EVER
BE AFRAID TO BE YOUR BEST
There are so
many times in society when we feel the need “dumb it down” for others. Maybe we ACT like we do not understand the
material from a test…when we really do….just because we do not want to stand
out among a group as being “different” or “smart”. Your uniqueness is what make you special…it
is what makes you: YOU!
Never be afraid to score the highest on a test, shoot the
basketball, jump and leap your highest and farthest, race your fastest, create
amazing projects that make you proud, work your hardest on any task given to
you, answer questions in class, be active in clubs and organizations that are
important to you personally (not the ones that you go to just because your
friends are going there), kick the ball as hard as you can, proudly accept
awards – my list could go on forever.
Whatever you do, do it well…in fact, do it your BEST.
Anyone who speaks ill of you is jealous…or hurt inside. Don’t blame them. Pray for them…and continue to be the best YOU
that you can be. One day that BEST
version of you is going to want to find a husband or wife…and you are going to
want to know that THEY are the BEST version of themselves as well. Start now.
Practicing now makes being your best become natural and much less scary.
2. DO NOT EVER
BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP
This applies in EVERY situation. In school, the teachers are there to help
you. If one won’t….ask another. Still no good? Come to your dad and me or a trusted friend…we
will find SOMEONE. In social life,
teenage years are tough. I am not going
to sugarcoat that. People that you have
loved and been friends with forever may wander a different way than you…or you
may feel “lonely”. Ask for help. Find people around you that understand your
feelings, maybe even share them, and build a safe community.
You will undoubtedly find yourself in uncomfortable
situations over the years to come. On a
date with a person with whom you are uncomfortable – asked to attend a party
that you KNOW “everyone” is going to but one that could get you in trouble or put
you danger – watching a movie or listening to conversations that you know are
wrong… Again, I know that you do not
think that your father and I remember being your age. You could not be anymore wrong. We both remember it all too well. It is hard and sometimes you will not know
what to do. You can always come to us
without judgement…you also have a TON of trusted adults in your life – be they
aunts, uncles, parents of friends, teachers, school guidance counselors,
etc. I promise to you that NO ONE will
downplay your emotions or the fact that you are asking for help and guidance. They (we ALL) are here to help you navigate
this bumpy road and find a pathway that keeps you safe, helps you stay true to yourself, and leaves you feeling included instead of lost or scared.
3. CELEBRATE
OTHERS AND LIFT THEM UP
Don’t let the ease of that
statement trick you. There are times
that this advice will be super easy – and times when it will make you want to
poke your eyeballs out. I promise. When your friend makes the team – celebrate
WITH them, congratulate them, and MEAN it.
Let your friends know that their accomplishments are important and a
reflection of their hard work and dedication.
Be GENUINELY happy and proud of them.
Now…the flip side…and THIS WILL HAPPEN : when you do NOT
make a cut, a team, a special group, meet a goal, or score well on a test, but
your friend or friends DO – that even though you may be feeling low and sad for
yourself – it will be EQUALLY if not MORE important to lift your friends up in
those times of THEIR SUCCESSES. There
are too many opportunities to tear other people down – to feel jealous – to
wish it were you and envy the situations of others.
But, what our friends need most is our love. You are MORE than welcome to come home and
cry on our shoulders…to be sad. But, any
negative feelings or negative talk about your friends will do NO good. Supporting them will.
We all know God has plans for each of us. Our successes and our failures shape us into
the adults that we will become. Even
though it is SUPER hard to see this in the heat of the moment and with emotions
high, lean on God and prayer and LOVE.
Love your friends in a way that shows them you are there in good times –
because the bad times will come too, and they will need your support more than
ever in those moments.
4. UNDERSTAND
THAT BULLYING TAKES MANY FORMS
We have talked about it as a family. You have talked about it in school. You have seen it on the news. You have seen it in the halls at school or on
the street or in team practices: bullying.
Sometimes bullying is right in front of your nose. Name calling.
Pushing. Shoving. Fighting.
Making fun of another person with the intention of making them feel
embarrassed or belittled.
However, sometimes bullying hides…in the quiet recesses of
the silence around us. By ignoring
someone in the hallway. By not speaking
to a friend during class. By leaving
someone to sit alone at lunchtime. By
not inviting a friend to an event. By
not speaking up for others when you know that they are being bullied. By following a group decision rather than
following your own heart and conscience when dealing with others. By gossiping.
By sharing secrets that were told to you in confidence. By persuading someone to change – to be
something that they are not – in order to be your friend. These things are less obvious…harder to
see. But there is no doubt that they are
just as hurtful as fists and kicking and fighting can be.
It is important to remember something. We all make mistakes. We all can think of a time when we should
have intervened and stopped a situation from taking place. But the problem is deeper than that…it is
important to take those past mistakes and LEARN from them. Develop empathy for the person who was hurt
in the situation. Because, allow me to
ASSURE you of one thing….you WILL be bullied in your lifetime. It may be by a close life-long friend and
take you completely off-guard; it might be by a new “friend” who you think is
awesome to hang out with; it might be by an adult who does not know how their
words sting or how powerful their position truly is; it might be by a boss in
the workplace one day. So by examining
your actions NOW…and working to see the bullying around you and find a way to
stop it, to empathize with ALL people, you will begin to surround yourself with
an amazing group of friends who share your values and will stand up for YOU as
you stand up for THEM in situations of bullying.
5. DO NOT LET
ANYONE ELSE DEFINE YOU
This is hard when you are ANY age…but especially hard as a
teenager. Everyone wants to “fit in” and
“be liked” – everyone wants to be included in group activities, party
invitations, to blend in with the crowd.
I remember. Standing out was just
INVITING others to question or even bully you/exclude you. It was definitely easier to go with the flow.
But, what if that “flow” is not YOU? What if that “flow” does not reflect the
person you are inside – caring, devoted, faithful, sympathetic, dedicated,
helpful, etc? Then, by following the
crowd or going with that flow, you have allowed those around you to DEFINE YOU. They will slowly make you believe that those
unique characteristics are not “cool” or even unnecessary. Without watching carefully, little pieces of
YOU will be chipped away.
Like I said earlier, everything in your life has created you
into the person you are today – the mistakes, the triumphs, the happiness, the
sadness, the embarrassing moments, ALL of it.
Plus, as your family, we have seen you grow and know fully well what is
in your true heart. Be careful not to
lose that as you cling more to time with your friends and less to time with
your family. We know those relationships
with friends will be hugely important during the years ahead…just choose them
wisely…and never be afraid to hold tightly to the definition of “self” that you have already carved for yourself. You will be a happier, more confident person
in the end if you can do this. We
promise.
6. APOLOGIZE
AND MEAN IT; ACCEPT APOLOGIES GRACIOUSLY
Again, we know that we are all human. We will all make mistakes. Growing and learning lessons from those
mistakes is probably more important than anything. When you know you have done something
wrong….apologize. Let me be clear – not
a simple, mumbled-under-the-breath, “I’m sorry”, but a sincere, look-that-person-in-the-eyes
apology. One that is thought-out, one where you consider the wording beforehand so that your meaning is truly
conveyed. One that not only states that
you are sorry, but EXPLAINS why you are sorry/why you were wrong, and then….ASK
for their forgiveness. Jesus gave it
freely…so will good friends and the good people around you.
Yes,
this means there may be times where you will need to apologize to an adult in
this way. It may be your father or
me…but it could JUST as easily be a teacher, a parent of a friend, a coach, or a neighbor. By giving sincere apologies
and then following those apologies up with actions that show you are back to
your old self… then you have a much better chance of earning that person’s
trust again. This is important. Trust is earned over time…continue to prove
to others that you are worthy of their trust in you.
On the flip-side, there will be times when others hurt
you….sometimes deeply. Should these
people find the courage to come to you with an apology…a sincere heart-felt
apology – find a way to graciously accept it.
Again, if God can forgive us daily, then we must try to do the
same.
A
note of caution: accepting an apology does not mean all is well in the
world. Once you have been hurt, it IS
important for that person (just as I advised you above) to work back to their
“normal” and EARN your trust. There WILL
be people in your life who will never earn back the trust that you once had in
them. It will hurt your heart. That’s OK.
That does not mean that you cannot be that person’s friend or
acquaintance – be cordial to them and kind – but, it does mean that secrets and
personal information must be shared wisely.
You will learn this the hard way a few times…and it will hurt. But never totally give up faith in
others. So many people make mistakes
that they continue to beat themselves up over again and again. Apologize; accept forgiveness; and forgive
others….FREELY.
7. LISTEN TO
YOUR INNER VOICE
You know this voice.
We often call it our conscience.
From birth, you have been taught right from wrong by us, your parents. You have listened in church. You have listened to your teachers and
coaches and babysitters and other wonderful adult influences in your life. Your heart knows what to do, what is morale
and right, in every single situation.
Never be afraid to listen to that nagging in your chest…in your
conscience.
There will be times when this will be HARD. You will find yourself out with friends one day – not your family – and
things will take a wrong turn. Deep
inside, your inner voice is saying, “Ummmm….bad idea!” To have the courage to listen and ACT on that
inner voice is beyond important. Believe
it or not, that voice is right about 99.9% of the time!
So, what do you do when placed in situations that your inner
voice disagrees with but you are still trying to not draw a ton of attention to
yourself? That’s a hard one. But, the best advice is to think ahead…and
have a plan. What words could you say to
change the direction of the situation?
What could you do to immediately and safely remove yourself from a
situation that you are unsure about?
Talk about this with us….talk about it with older
friends/babysitters who have been there…talk to trusted friends….and then make
a plan. Will you text a code word to
someone that lets them know you need a reason to get home…and get home
NOW? Believe me, I am HAPPY to play bad
cop. I can call and ask you to come home
ANYTIME. Will you suddenly feel “sick”
and need to excuse yourself? Or will you
simply be brave enough to say, “Sounds stupid to me…not doing it” or “No
thanks.” Whatever fits your personality
best…have it ready. Practice it, in
smaller situations, to be ready for the day that you need to use it for
real. You KNOW right from wrong. You KNOW when things feel out of your control
or uncomfortable. Listen to your conscience
and react accordingly.
8. STAND UP FOR
YOURSELF, YOUR FRIENDS, AND YOUR
BELIEFS
This is simply easier said than done. It takes courage, but without doubt, it will
also win you respect. The respect of
your true friends, respect of your future boyfriends/girlfriends, respect of
your family, respect of teachers, coaches, and adults everywhere. When you believe in yourself, stand
tall. Stand behind your ideas…not in a
way that others take offense….but in a way that lets others know you are confident. You know who you are…you will not allow
yourself to be belittled or bullied by others who wish to push you down. It’s OK to address a person who speaks ill of
you. Stand for the person that YOU are.
Your friends will need this support just as much. When you hear a friend stating an opinion or
a belief but others arguing or bullying that friend, step in and help diffuse
that situation. Be clear that everyone
has their own opinions and that is fine….but to tear others down in order to
build yourself up is WRONG. Your friends
will love you deeply for this. Don’t
allow others to talk about your friends behind their backs…just say, “She’s my
good friend…she really is a great person.”
Walk away after that if you need to…but make it clear you do not want to
hear negative talk about your friends.
Short term, this might be uncomfortable….but long term? Suddenly your friends know that you have GOT
THEIR BACKS. That is worth more than you
will ever know…and one day someone will have YOUR back.
This goes for group outings or parties as well. If you have the opportunity for ANY
input…make sure none of your close friends are being “bullied by
exclusion”. Mention that maybe that
person should be included.
Unfortunately, one day, this same scenario happens to us all. On the other side, you just PRAY that someone
speaks up and says, “Hey, what about Jennifer?
Let’s invite her. She would be so hurt to be left out.” Again, short term this is harm. Long term: this just proves to the people
around you that you are a FRIEND…truly.
Your beliefs will be questioned your whole life. You will be questioned by those who are
Christian but not Catholic and do not understand Catholic traditions, those who
are of other religions, those who do not believe in a God. You will be questioned by college professors
and challenged by scholars. You will
read literature that picks away at some of your core beliefs. Continue to pray and worship…and LEARN more
about your beliefs and your faith as a Catholic. Knowledge is power…and being able to give
someone a well-thought out, fact-based answer is strong. Will it end the questioning? No.
You will not convert the world.
But, you can help be an example of how wonderful the Catholic faith and Christianity is
by living your life as an example. Think
about the promises you have made to God, to yourself, to the church…and
consistently do your best to uphold them.
God will help you!
9. BE GRACIOUS
IN DEFEAT
So many times, we lose.
Maybe we lose a state tournament game or match. Maybe we do not get the scores necessary to
get college credit for AP high school classes.
Maybe we do not make the team or get beat by someone we THINK we should
have easily conquered. No matter the
situation, be gracious. Face your
opponent with a hearty handshake, a congratulations, and even a smile. Let them know that you are happy for
them. You CAN be happy for others while
still being SAD for yourself. Just carry
your sadness elsewhere. But, do not let
it eat away at you. If necessary, attend
reconciliation…poor your heart out, cry, ask for forgiveness for being unable
to be gracious to your opponents. When
you walk OUT of the confessional, do your penance…and forgive yourself.
It is ALWAYS easy to be gracious and empathetic to others
when you MAKE the team or win the match.
But, it takes true character to accept defeat and move on. Dad will tell you that Jack Nicklaus was the
BEST at this. He left his defeats on the
golf course…he walked away a happy man to have been involved in the game and
to have played with the best. Read about
him…and others like him…who found ways to congratulate others and focus on the
bigger picture of life rather than a single defeat.
10. LOVE
OPENLY; SMILE OFTEN
There are so many people in this world who need love. They need care. They need to know that you SEE them and
appreciate them. Let not a day go by
that you do not perform a beautiful act of kindness toward someone – a stranger
or someone close to you in life. Open
your heart and express to those around you how grateful you are for their
friendships and love. How appreciative
you are of their support and tell them how they inspire you…all people need to
know they matter and make a difference.
If you see a Veteran in public, thank him or her for
serving. If you see someone struggling
with a door or a load of groceries, help them.
Extend your love to ALL. Serve
others as Christ served US. Find ways to
make a difference in the world around you – big or small. Random acts of kindness, and not-so-random
acts of kindness, mean so very much to people.
By openly loving and serving others, you are walking in
Jesus’ footsteps. You are setting an
example to others as to the kind of life you intend to live….one of hope,
service, compassion, and mercy. These
are qualities that you will one day look for in a spouse. Take them seriously as you foster those
qualities in yourself.
If you are uncomfortable expressing your love, thanks,
appreciation, and admiration of others in person…take a page from my book. Send notes and letters. Nothing is more personal than a handwritten
letter straight from your heart. Plus,
the words are permanent…they give that person a chance to reread the feelings
that you expressed. What a beautiful
gift to have on days when that person is feeling lonely, invisible, or
unlovable. It proves to them that they
are wrong!
Finally…and let’s be honest, I could say a million more
things, and maybe I will add to the list some day…your smile welcomes others
into your life. A smile can warm a
person’s heart…help them through a rough day…let them know they are seen. But, there is also a lovely off-shoot of
smiling….it makes YOU happier when you smile.
By smiling more than you frown or grimace or grumble…you are setting a
tone for yourself. You are CHOOSING
happiness. What a beautiful choice, and
what a beautiful impression to leave on the world around you.
You are loved beyond
words. You are supported and cared for
in ways you may never fully understand.
But as your parents, we were there at your birth…and will continue to uphold you,
guide you, pray for you, and be here, RIGHT HERE, until the end.
xoxo
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