In case you haven't noticed, this blog spills over into my personal/Mommy/human life...a LOT. Like....that is all it really is. Just a collection of all things strange, unbelievable, funny, and shocking that happen TO me and AROUND me. It's pretty scary the amount of material there is to pull from in a seemingly normal daily life!
So, since I have a 9 year old who acts like she is on preteen hormonal steroids and a 7 year old who hasn't one CARE in the world (here's looking at you, schoolwork!) and a 3 year old who just basically runs around giving me bruises on my legs from all the sword fighting we do....I have started reading some basic literature on how to deal with kids of all different ages/personalities. Does that mean I am reading parenting "How-To" books? Eh, maybe. But, we all know that READING about a situation is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different than facing that situation in real life and following through with a reaction that is appropriate (and in my case doesn't involve screaming at someone). But, I figure ANYTHING will help me at this point...I am surrounded by insanity anyway...what I am DOING does not really work, let's try a new approach. So, I set to reading.
One of the first catchphrases I have run across in SEVERAL different articles/books and I think even on the blog www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com is the term (and I LOVE it): HELICOPTER PARENT. It is a term used to describe the parent who is ALWAYS waiting in the wings to swoop down and save their kid from failing. Whether it is making a big deal when theier toddler skins their knee on the playground or races back to school to retrieve the forgotten backpack or is ready to take on the classroom teacher/principal because there is NO WAY their little angel cheated on that test, they always want their kid on the "Best" baseball/soccer/basketball team, they praise and praise their kiddos for every Accelerated Reader point (dang that AR system!) received....these parents are the ones that really help protect their children from any kind of failure.
Deep down, I think these parents (and I will be the FIRST to admit that I carry many of these qualities) have the BEST of intentions. They are doing their best to BE there for their children. But, the problem is...they are there TOO MUCH. Yep. That's possible. If our children are not allowed to fail...experience failure, its consequences, its emotional toll, and then learn to pick themselves up and push forward...then what exactly are we modeling for our kids? That when they get to college and get a "D" on the first English paper they write (because Mommy/Daddy were not there to proofread it) that they should just drop out of college????? Or that when they get their first job in sales and someone else out sells them by double-fold that it really isn't THEIR fault...change jobs...obviously that one was not for you! Please...please...please tell me this is not the generation of children we are raising.
I really want my kids to know if they get a "D" on a paper that they DESERVED that "D" and need to work harder next time to get a better grade...that they are capable young people, able to do the work. I want my kids to know if their job performance is not up to snuff, then they better get to hoofing it. Get the nose to the grindstone and WORK for it. I want my kids to WANT to do well. I want my kids to WANT to be responsible. And probably the BEST way to teach this? Is to let them experience what it feels like to NOT do well or what irresponsibility feels like (which will, inevitably mean they encounter failure along the way). I am not sure anything else really takes the place of real world experience. But easier said that done, right???????
NO ONE wants to see their kid suffer, especially if the consequesnces could have been avoided through better decision making skills. However, think back on your childhood. Didn't you learn a thing or two about yourself and humanity in general while you were arguing with your neighborhood friends during flashlight tag, or failed a test because you flat out forgot to study, or liked the REALLY wrong guy? It's how we LEARN and GROW as people in this world. Our parents can TELL us...but until we muff up and face the music ourselves, we really won't believe it.
That said, wouldn't it be lovely if our kids got used to dealing with failure...and KNEW they would have to face consequences at a young age? Knew how to dust themselves off after a failure...or even acutally learned to *gasp* make good decisions and eventually AVOID the life altering, forever life changing bad decisions that they COULD make. Yep..that's the goal. To know they will make good decisions later....and know consequences await (both good and bad) once they make decisions.
Cut to me: borderline (or full-blown, trying to reform!) helicopter parent. I realize at 10 a.m. on Thursday morning that it is "game day" in my child's 3rd grade child's classroom. My daughter has talked about which game to take, how to transport it, etc. Well, we had been busy the night before and evidentally were not terribly worried about it Thursday morning b/c it NEVER came up. So, here I sit in my living room...knowing my daughter forgot her "game" on "game day". My helicopter parent mode kicks in...I WANT to dash to school in my minivan and drop that game off...it won't take 15 min round trip...and my daughter will think I am a HERO. But, then I STOP myself (look at me! progress!!). If I do this, I am rescuing her....from a situation she was totally capable of controlling. SHE knew it was game day well ahead of time, so the ball was not totally in my court. I figure if she is melting down at school or freaking out that I am going to get a call/would have already gotten the call...nope....no calls. I checked email....maybe the teacher sent me a gentle reminder in case I was "out" and could drop the game by. Nope...no email. And that's when I decided.....helicopteer tendencies be DAMNED. I am not taking the game. Simple failure to remember the game = simple and relatively painless conseuquence of not having her own game at school and needing to share with others. No biggie. Of course, I then worried all day about the wrath and tirade I would hear from her when school let out about being a HORRIBLE mother who didn't remember Game Day and didn't bring the game to school...
Funny thing happened. She NEVER mentioned it. I asked everyone how school went...everyone was happy (or as happy as two bickering young girls can be)...nothing. Not a word about the dang game. About 2 hours later, my 9 year old pipes up with, "I forgot to take my game to game day." And, calmly I said, "Ah man, I thought about that...but it was late in the afternoon. Did everything work out?" Her: "Yeah, I ended up helping another group that was playing Headbandz....they couldn't figure out the rules so I started helping to give them clues and stuff." Period. End of it.
PHEW. My first attempt at NOT hovering worked. A SMALL failure...with very small consequence...will probably keep her from forgetting such a special day in the future...and hopefully she will decide that small items like this one are not "big ticket" items with "big ticket" consequences...it is super easy to pull up your bootstraps and keep on trucking.
That would certainly be great...because this helicopter is running low on fuel and hovering in one spot is really just NO FUN.
Have a great day all!
Jennifer
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