I hate to say this. I know that I am supposed to love summer in all its glory...but I have started the countdown to the first day of school (that would be this Wednesday, less than 48 hours away...). As much as I love my children and wouldn't trade them for the world, they need to GO somewhere, preferrably AWAY from me. And this whole idea that I wouldn't trade them for the world, I am afraid that they have caught onto this unconditional love thing and are playing it up to the highest degree. Maybe it WOULDN'T be SO bad for them to have a little piece of their minds thinking, "Hmmm....if the travel agency called and offered an all expense paid month long trip to Fiji in exchange for us, would she actually DO it and GO?" I mean, the fear of that would have to work at least a LITTLE in my favor, right?
We start out these last two grand school-free days with a trip to Wal-Mart. It MUST be done....with three kids in tow...to purchase groceries for healthy meals this week, healthy lunches that will be packed, donations for the church picnic, and paraphenalia for my little man's 3rd birthday party that will probably be Sunday - actual bday is Thursday. (No, I have done NOTHING in preparation. He's THREE people. Not 16. And it will only be family....they don't really care.) My girls, despite waking up on the WRONG side of the bed, were really pretty good at WalMart.....I do think that my nearly 3 year old son drank a Red Bull before we headed out though. He was wearing a baseball cap (his insistence) and about 1/3 of the way thru the store began beating me with it...then beating his sisters with it....then throwing it into/out of the cart...pulling it over his eyes and growling/yelling "I am a scary monster!" at the top of his voice. I ended up with that hat strapped to my purse. Next came the throwing of food items in the cart....at his sisters or out of the cart all together. This was followed by a checkout experience that ended with him launching his crocs at other checkout lanes/his sisters/display items. Good times.
We come home long enough to unload and put away groceries. It is then time to head to church to drop off picnic donations. Vince is upstairs playing. When he refuses to come downstairs to leave, I know what's what. I find him sitting in his sister's closet playing with dolls and sitting with a diaper full of poo. When I ask what in the world he is doing, he matter-of-factly answers, "Hiding, so I could poop." Oh, the honesty. I clean him up, talk about my disappointment and how he needs to be a big boy...off we head to church.
The girls argue the WHOLE way to church and lose their "priviledge" to help me carry items into the church office. I mean, really, arguring the enture way TO God's house really does not seem deserving of much short of a good long time in the confessional booth.
We come home and eat lunch. My nearly 3 yr old takes 2 bites of his food, gives me his shifty "catch me if you can!" eyes, and bolts up the stairs. To answer the question before it arises, YES, we DID have a gate at the bottom of the stairs, but when he began scaling it in 2 seconds flat using death-defying tactics, we were forced to take it down. I decide, "Fine. He is going down for a nap soon enough so that we can take a late afternoon trip to the pool, I don't CARE if he goes to bed hungry...." and do not chase after him (b/c really, he just sees this as a game anyway). A few minutes later, he comes down wearing only his t-shirt (which is now wet) and diaper...and carrying a new pair of shorts from his closet. When I ask what is up he says, "Well, I made a mess....and I pooped....so I need to wear THESE shorts instead." Grrrrreat. Yes, he did sneek in poo #2....and when I got upstairs I was equally surprised with MORE fun. He had evidentally gotten a chair of some sort and used it to get up to his changing table area. He had dumped all the diapers, all creams/medicines that were in the basket, had found the old bottle of rubbing alcohol I used to disinfect rectal thermometers with, and opened it....then poured it all over the (*@&*#&(!@@ changing table, I. Was. Livid.
I got him cleaned up, then had him sit in time out (I kept referring to it as his punishment) and watch ME clean up the rest of the mess. THEN, took his hand and lead him down stairs...made him sit at the table where he then cleaned his plate of every morsel of food....I am pretty sure he thought this was part of his punishment. Mainly b/c every time I told him to do something "Sit in the chair while I clean this up." or "Go sit at your spot in the kitchen." He followed by asking, "Why?" and I would respond. "Because you are being punished." To this he would reply, "It's OK, Mommy. I will not get punishment again." Yeah....right. Can I get that signed and notaraized, please?
Now that things are quiet here in the house, I am able to see more clearly that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. My kids NEED space from one another and me. We will pool it up this afternoon....and then the girls and I will have a girl day tomorrow when we send little man to the sitter's for one last day to blow it out and have fun.
It is important to note that when my girls start school on Wednesday-Thursday-Friday....my (by then) 3 year old WILL start potty training. So, I am just jumping from one fire to the next....but I am very open minded about this process (ie: he might not want ANY part of this...so we will try again in a few months)....but I will tell you right now, your prayers for my sanity would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a great day everyone! And if summer is coming to an end for you soon, do try to enjoy these last few days with your kids....even if it is while you are dodging my kid's crocs at WalMart ;-)
xoxo Jennifer
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I Need A Vacation
Summer is nice. It really is good to not have structure every single day and get to spend time with your kids in the ways that you want to. But there has a BIT too much togetherness this summer for me. After 11 days of consecutive lockdown...strep for one, pneumonia for another, healthy 3rd child who was starved for attention and began making up ailments midweek b/c "She NEEDED attention!!!!" -- well, I am kind of over summer.
The icing on my cake was when I finally took my kids out of the house for our first TRUE outing to church (all 3 kids and by myself) then lunch and to the pool (again by myself). There were only 3 other families there when we arrive at the pool...all in close proximity. I get everyone sunscreened, floaties on the baby boy, and send them on their way. I am trying to unpack towels, set up our little oasis in the shade, and trying to talk to a friend....all the while my children (who have been with me 24/7 nonstop....for ELEVEN DAYS) are yelling "Mom!" over and over and over to the point that it sounds like dueling banjos between them. I stop what I am doing, turn and face them, and give a warning about NOT saying my name again until I am done talking to my friend and setting up our stuff or someone is gonna be in BIG trouble. I turn back around...one dad makes a comment about how the kids are on my nerves, I just gave a pat "Yes....very much so" answer. One of mine yells, "Hey Mom!" in the background....and I ignore it. Continue unpacking. Once set up...I sit for a second before plunging into the pool and I overhear the following comments being made by a mom a few chairs down from me to her hubby: "I know that you think I am too lenient with our children, but if the alternative is...." It is at this point that I realize this conversation VERY WELL may be about ME!!!!!!!!! So, I just cock my head the slightest in her direction to let her know I can hear her...and the conversation stops. Done. Over. Not another word. Do I have proof she was referring to my parenting skills? Nope. Could they have had other conversations I was not listening to about someone totally different? Without a doubt. Do I think she was referring to me? Most likely.
That said, I took my high road, jumped into the pool with my kids and swam the rest of the day. But this is just a perfect example of a person judging a book by its cover. This woman has NO knowledge of me as a mother, friend, or even as a person in general. She had NO idea that my kids had been on lockdown with me for 11 days and that this was our first day out of the house. She had no idea that I had just wrestled 3 kids through church and lunch by myself. She had no idea that I didn't feel great myself, was on an antibiotic, and REALLY need an alcoholic beverage after the week that I had had but that I could not have due to meds I was on. Yet, she found it extremely appropriate to judge me. Unwise, young jedi......unwise.
I look back and can tell you that the last FAMILY vacation I took was to DisneyWorld over a year and a half ago....when all three of my kids got a horrid stomach virus on a rotating basis. I was cordoned to the condo for 48 straight hours at one point (if anyone has my email journal from that trip saved, forward it to me and I will post it...mine got deleted. Priceless. Stuff that could never in a million year be made up). Our kids have been no place (save the Louisville zoo or lunch in Evansville) since then. The last couples getaway that my husband and I had was Derby. Was it fun? Hell yes. LOTS of fun. But, also work. You gotta dress up, look nice, stay looking nice, AND stay drunk all day ;-) Exhausting and fun and would NEVER trade it for the world....but not relaxing and definitely not a "vacation".
I know lots of you out there go places on Fall Break, Spring Break, and even a summer vacation thrown in for good measure. We evidentally do not. I am missing the effing BOAT over here. So, yeah, we have $ for a family trip or couples trip. And I am cashing that in SOON. Happy mommy = happy family.
Have a great day, y'all!
xoxo Jennifer
The icing on my cake was when I finally took my kids out of the house for our first TRUE outing to church (all 3 kids and by myself) then lunch and to the pool (again by myself). There were only 3 other families there when we arrive at the pool...all in close proximity. I get everyone sunscreened, floaties on the baby boy, and send them on their way. I am trying to unpack towels, set up our little oasis in the shade, and trying to talk to a friend....all the while my children (who have been with me 24/7 nonstop....for ELEVEN DAYS) are yelling "Mom!" over and over and over to the point that it sounds like dueling banjos between them. I stop what I am doing, turn and face them, and give a warning about NOT saying my name again until I am done talking to my friend and setting up our stuff or someone is gonna be in BIG trouble. I turn back around...one dad makes a comment about how the kids are on my nerves, I just gave a pat "Yes....very much so" answer. One of mine yells, "Hey Mom!" in the background....and I ignore it. Continue unpacking. Once set up...I sit for a second before plunging into the pool and I overhear the following comments being made by a mom a few chairs down from me to her hubby: "I know that you think I am too lenient with our children, but if the alternative is...." It is at this point that I realize this conversation VERY WELL may be about ME!!!!!!!!! So, I just cock my head the slightest in her direction to let her know I can hear her...and the conversation stops. Done. Over. Not another word. Do I have proof she was referring to my parenting skills? Nope. Could they have had other conversations I was not listening to about someone totally different? Without a doubt. Do I think she was referring to me? Most likely.
That said, I took my high road, jumped into the pool with my kids and swam the rest of the day. But this is just a perfect example of a person judging a book by its cover. This woman has NO knowledge of me as a mother, friend, or even as a person in general. She had NO idea that my kids had been on lockdown with me for 11 days and that this was our first day out of the house. She had no idea that I had just wrestled 3 kids through church and lunch by myself. She had no idea that I didn't feel great myself, was on an antibiotic, and REALLY need an alcoholic beverage after the week that I had had but that I could not have due to meds I was on. Yet, she found it extremely appropriate to judge me. Unwise, young jedi......unwise.
I look back and can tell you that the last FAMILY vacation I took was to DisneyWorld over a year and a half ago....when all three of my kids got a horrid stomach virus on a rotating basis. I was cordoned to the condo for 48 straight hours at one point (if anyone has my email journal from that trip saved, forward it to me and I will post it...mine got deleted. Priceless. Stuff that could never in a million year be made up). Our kids have been no place (save the Louisville zoo or lunch in Evansville) since then. The last couples getaway that my husband and I had was Derby. Was it fun? Hell yes. LOTS of fun. But, also work. You gotta dress up, look nice, stay looking nice, AND stay drunk all day ;-) Exhausting and fun and would NEVER trade it for the world....but not relaxing and definitely not a "vacation".
I know lots of you out there go places on Fall Break, Spring Break, and even a summer vacation thrown in for good measure. We evidentally do not. I am missing the effing BOAT over here. So, yeah, we have $ for a family trip or couples trip. And I am cashing that in SOON. Happy mommy = happy family.
Have a great day, y'all!
xoxo Jennifer
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Lockdown
When I taught school we had drills for all sorts of things...fire drills, tornado drills, earthquake drills, and then "lockdown" drills (which did actually become important the day a bank down the street was robbed and the get away car was ditched in our parking lot....but I digress). Evidentally, children like mine enjoy a good "lockdown" every once in a while. Yes, of course, this just means one thing....more sickness in the Hayden house that requires us to stay INDOORS and me to Lysol/Clorox wipe/hand sanitize all surfaces on a routine basis. The sweet person who helps me clean my house said that they reason my kids are always sick is because I am TOO clean and they are TOO vaccinated. HA! If only.....
Our fun story begins LAST Monday. Baby boy wakes with a high fever (over 102)...I give him Motrin and he is saying "ouch" with every drink. I figure....well COULD be strep...but more likely the virus that kids in the summer always seem to get that gives them mouth sores. He of course REFUSES to allow to me look into his mouth...so I make a dr. appt. The ONLY available appt was at 4:30 p.m. We go through an entire day...girls go to pool with the sitter....come home and my mom comes to watch them while I take sick lil boy to the dr. You know things are GREAT when the dr. gasps when she finally gets a good look at your child's throat. I think the exact words were, "Ouch! That is a BAD throat. Gross. My guess is strep or mono...it really looks THAT bad." So...in comes nurse for strep swab. Again, it is LOVELY when a nurse dry heaves while swabbing your child's throat!!! Seriously. What was he GROWING back there? Mushrooms??? And wonder of wonders....swab comes up NEGATIVE. Dr. does not really believe this diagnosis...swabs again and sends it for culture...we will get results in 2 days. On the way out, we stop and look at his swab results one more time and it was sort of like looking at a pregnancy test. Between the dr., nurse, and myself we think there IS a faint line showing positive. We walk away with a scrip and the knowledge that culture will tell us more in a few days, but we are covered for now.
I walk into my house and take ONE look at my 6 year old laying on the couch and just KNOW that I am royally screwed. She looks like h*ll!!!!!!!! I take her temp...to the tune of 103.7. Niiiiiiiice. That couldn't have happened ONE HOUR EARLIER so I could have taken her to the dr. TOO? No. No it couldn't, because, people...let me explain...that is NOT how things roll for us!!!!!!!
Tuesday a.m. at the CRACK of dawn I have EVERYONE up. I take the girls in for strep swabs figuring they have all infected one another. BOTH NEGATIVE. Really??? So, dr. says to chalk it up as a virus and wait for culture results...if they show positive, we will treat with scrip....otherwise treat symptoms. Funny thing? 6 year old really HAS no symptoms. Unlike sick lil brother her throat does not hurt, gland are not swollen, stomach doesn't hurt, she WILL eat food and drink, just has high fever.
By 24 hours of antibiotic, lil man is feeling good. Not 100%, but GOOD. And is no longer running a fever. 6 year old, on the other hand, continues to spike a high fever EVERY DAY....sparadocially. One minute she is 100.4.....and 30 min later over 103. Culture results come back on Thursday...NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH. So, I am to weather the storm with my 6 year old as viral. By Friday, I am begging for mercy. I haven't left the house (outside of the times that my sweet sitters have taken pity on me and let me run an errand or two)...and 6 year old is NOT showing signs of improvement. In fact, has developed a cough. What....the....hell? I call and beg for meds. The dr. leaves the decision up to me, but I figure SOMETHING in the meds broke my 2 year old's fever, so maybe it will do the same for her. Not so much.
Saturday...24 hours after starting meds...she spikes her highest fever yet....105.2. Good stuff. Today she leveled off at 103.8 at one point. But, I am just TIRED. I feel SORRY for my kids. My 6 year old is GOING to miss at least PART of Vacation Bible School which starts this week. My 2 year old and 8 year old have sort of been held hostage b/c I haven't wanted to spread our germs about town (you can all thank me later). I JUST wanted these last couple of weeks before school starts to be NORMAL. You know? Pool time, relaxing, having fun, shopping for school supplies together...not on lockdown.
Instead, tomorrow my 8 year old will head to VBS solo - her exact words at bedtime tonight were "I mean, when am I going to get some attention around here?!" (To be clear...she has had PLENTY of attention...just craves the spotlight ALL of the time. Drama.). My 2 year old will be with a lovely sitter all day to get him OUT of this Lysoled arena of a house for the day. And my 6 year old and I will head BACK to the dr. I am expecting possible blood work (will NOT be pretty, especially since she really doesn't FEEL bad) and possible chest x-ray. My prayer at this point is to get my 6 year old well enough to hit VBS at least a FEW days this week....and maybe make it to the grocery? Pipe dreams, I know. But, I am setting low expectations in hopes of them NOT being dashed. I mean, heaven forbid I actually HOPE for pool time...that will only DIRECTLY curse my 8 year old into GETTING this same funky endless virus.
So, if you are ever wondering why you don't hear from me. Why doesn't Jennifer ever call? Why doesn't she email or text? What is she DOING? THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING. And I am so freaking far behind on even telling all of my friends of the plight that I have to write it in a blog so that you can know! lol This too shall pass....all parents know this.
Maybe we will all be well in time for the first day of school. Hope does spring eternal.
Happy day, all!
xoxo
Our fun story begins LAST Monday. Baby boy wakes with a high fever (over 102)...I give him Motrin and he is saying "ouch" with every drink. I figure....well COULD be strep...but more likely the virus that kids in the summer always seem to get that gives them mouth sores. He of course REFUSES to allow to me look into his mouth...so I make a dr. appt. The ONLY available appt was at 4:30 p.m. We go through an entire day...girls go to pool with the sitter....come home and my mom comes to watch them while I take sick lil boy to the dr. You know things are GREAT when the dr. gasps when she finally gets a good look at your child's throat. I think the exact words were, "Ouch! That is a BAD throat. Gross. My guess is strep or mono...it really looks THAT bad." So...in comes nurse for strep swab. Again, it is LOVELY when a nurse dry heaves while swabbing your child's throat!!! Seriously. What was he GROWING back there? Mushrooms??? And wonder of wonders....swab comes up NEGATIVE. Dr. does not really believe this diagnosis...swabs again and sends it for culture...we will get results in 2 days. On the way out, we stop and look at his swab results one more time and it was sort of like looking at a pregnancy test. Between the dr., nurse, and myself we think there IS a faint line showing positive. We walk away with a scrip and the knowledge that culture will tell us more in a few days, but we are covered for now.
I walk into my house and take ONE look at my 6 year old laying on the couch and just KNOW that I am royally screwed. She looks like h*ll!!!!!!!! I take her temp...to the tune of 103.7. Niiiiiiiice. That couldn't have happened ONE HOUR EARLIER so I could have taken her to the dr. TOO? No. No it couldn't, because, people...let me explain...that is NOT how things roll for us!!!!!!!
Tuesday a.m. at the CRACK of dawn I have EVERYONE up. I take the girls in for strep swabs figuring they have all infected one another. BOTH NEGATIVE. Really??? So, dr. says to chalk it up as a virus and wait for culture results...if they show positive, we will treat with scrip....otherwise treat symptoms. Funny thing? 6 year old really HAS no symptoms. Unlike sick lil brother her throat does not hurt, gland are not swollen, stomach doesn't hurt, she WILL eat food and drink, just has high fever.
By 24 hours of antibiotic, lil man is feeling good. Not 100%, but GOOD. And is no longer running a fever. 6 year old, on the other hand, continues to spike a high fever EVERY DAY....sparadocially. One minute she is 100.4.....and 30 min later over 103. Culture results come back on Thursday...NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH. So, I am to weather the storm with my 6 year old as viral. By Friday, I am begging for mercy. I haven't left the house (outside of the times that my sweet sitters have taken pity on me and let me run an errand or two)...and 6 year old is NOT showing signs of improvement. In fact, has developed a cough. What....the....hell? I call and beg for meds. The dr. leaves the decision up to me, but I figure SOMETHING in the meds broke my 2 year old's fever, so maybe it will do the same for her. Not so much.
Saturday...24 hours after starting meds...she spikes her highest fever yet....105.2. Good stuff. Today she leveled off at 103.8 at one point. But, I am just TIRED. I feel SORRY for my kids. My 6 year old is GOING to miss at least PART of Vacation Bible School which starts this week. My 2 year old and 8 year old have sort of been held hostage b/c I haven't wanted to spread our germs about town (you can all thank me later). I JUST wanted these last couple of weeks before school starts to be NORMAL. You know? Pool time, relaxing, having fun, shopping for school supplies together...not on lockdown.
Instead, tomorrow my 8 year old will head to VBS solo - her exact words at bedtime tonight were "I mean, when am I going to get some attention around here?!" (To be clear...she has had PLENTY of attention...just craves the spotlight ALL of the time. Drama.). My 2 year old will be with a lovely sitter all day to get him OUT of this Lysoled arena of a house for the day. And my 6 year old and I will head BACK to the dr. I am expecting possible blood work (will NOT be pretty, especially since she really doesn't FEEL bad) and possible chest x-ray. My prayer at this point is to get my 6 year old well enough to hit VBS at least a FEW days this week....and maybe make it to the grocery? Pipe dreams, I know. But, I am setting low expectations in hopes of them NOT being dashed. I mean, heaven forbid I actually HOPE for pool time...that will only DIRECTLY curse my 8 year old into GETTING this same funky endless virus.
So, if you are ever wondering why you don't hear from me. Why doesn't Jennifer ever call? Why doesn't she email or text? What is she DOING? THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING. And I am so freaking far behind on even telling all of my friends of the plight that I have to write it in a blog so that you can know! lol This too shall pass....all parents know this.
Maybe we will all be well in time for the first day of school. Hope does spring eternal.
Happy day, all!
xoxo
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Who IS that and what is she doing NOW?
It started simply enough...I walked past a mirror after the shower one morning and catch a glimpse of a person that I do NOT recognize. Whose stomach and mid-section IS that? Whose thighs? What the....??? Holy sh*tballs.........that's ME!!!!! So, yeah, even though I am a regular exerciser (5-6 days/week...most often running)...things are not working out for me in the "tone up" department. There are several classes I am going to take that the HealthPark here in town once school is in session and my days are not filled with swim team, dance camps, vacation bible schools, etc....and I am sure those classes will help. But what I saw in that mirror was APPALLING and I was ready to do something STAT.
Well, as it would be....I had been asked by several friends if I was going to be running in a 5K or 10K race that was running this past Saturday evening. Let's be specifiic...it is JULY in KENTUCKY. Owensboro JUST made the NATIONAL news tonight for having the highest heat index in the COUNTRY this past few days. But, hell yeah, I signed up for that 10K. I ran it last year...it was horrid (kind of like childbirth, you forget how bad it ACTUALLY was)....but there were lots of people last year and I took comfort in that. So, I show up at 5:00 p.m. for the run and my van is reading 90 degrees....which in KY means like 135 degrees. I power on. Find a couple of my friends (one is super speedy and I have NO intention of keeping up with her...the other I figure I can hang with for MOST of the time...tho she is super young and spritely)....and then we line up. I look around and find that THIS year...most people are not as stupid as me. Every person around me is a TRUE runner. Like 20 years old (or younger/older) and wearing only sports bras and tighty tight running underwear looking things. Oh...dear...Lord.
The first cross country race that my 6 year old ever ran in, she came in last (to her defense...she doesn't KNOW she was last and she was a kindergartner amongst 1-6th graders...but she also sucks as a runner in general. Sweating is not really her thing.). When I said to her "I am SO proud of you...you FINISHED and never walked!" Her reaction was "Yeah...I couldn't stop or that man on the machine was gonna run over me!" She was of course referring to the 4-wheeler that follows the last runner in....watches for those in need of medical care, etc. Well....that was ME in this 10K for a LONG time. That damned cart was on my heels...and did not do a lot for my self esteem!
FWIW....I was alright until about mile 2.5 when I realize that I have OVER hydated and am now using keugle exercises to keep from pissing my pants....which is only half-way working. Or not working at all as the case may be. I have had 3 kids, for goodness sake!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I mention that it was effing HOT AS HADES???? Yep...by 3.5 miles I was in walk/run mode....I willed myself to finish and run it out at the end. Only b/c my hubby sweet baby boy was there at the end waiting for me. Overall....Most. Horrible .Race. Ever. I finished and said, "Why do I run? I don't even think I LIKE it!?!?!!?" It took me a full hour to finish...a time that I was/am NOT proud of. I went home showered...got 2 yr old in bed...and went to neighbor's house and commenced to making her get drunk with me to kill my mental/physical pain of that race! While there? I got a text from speedy friend who stayed for awards ceremony saying that I PLACED in my age division. Of course, I ask "Does this mean that I placed 3rd in my age group and there were only three of us IN my age group?" Her answer: "NO! You placed SECOND....and there were 2 people in your age group." I drank more wine in celebration. And let me tell you something...my medal better BE IN THE MAIL!!!!!!!!!! It was the worst race of my life and I need proof that i finished, however badly! LOL!
So....in seeing that horrid profile in myself in the mirror caused me to do another knee-jerk action. I ordered a series of DVDs....the Tracy Anderson Method (Metamorphosis). It arrived 2 days ago. There is a 30 min cardio dance section that you are to do daily. The best that I can describe it as is me looking like a fraggle doing something similar to sexy club dancing....except despite my coordination, I don't even REMOTELY resemble TRACY. Lol. Then there is a weight/muscle section that isolates and works on problem areas that you identify. Ummmm.... yeah.....my legs are gonna fall off. That woman is a MACHINE. The program is complete...cardio/weight and resistance training/diet. Of course, her biggest endorser is Gwyneth Paltrow ... Demi and Courtney Cox love her too. And after doing this program for two days like a crippled fraggle...let me tell you. I am certain the program would work if I stayed on the program...it's 6 days on/1 day off. But, that makes it hard to run, which I am going to do. But, that aside..let's say I follow strictly the 90 day plan of 6 days on/1 day off.....Ms. Anderson can shove her dietary advice up her arse. I mean....REALLY...does she think that for a single second I am going to eat pureed carrots and parsnips for the first 4 days of this program? Maybe if I am Gwyn and have someone paid to force feed me and then slap food out of my hands at other time. HELL to the NO...I don't eat BABY food/ And, dear Tracy, when you say you "recommend" 3 glasses of wine per week...you better specify the amount of ozs......I have some BIG wine glasses!!!!!!!!!!
Yet...I will run in the a.m. and Tracy myself in the evening....and I will keep trying to choose the Baked Lay's over other chips....and I will hate ever minute of it.
Happy day, everyone!
Jennifer
Well, as it would be....I had been asked by several friends if I was going to be running in a 5K or 10K race that was running this past Saturday evening. Let's be specifiic...it is JULY in KENTUCKY. Owensboro JUST made the NATIONAL news tonight for having the highest heat index in the COUNTRY this past few days. But, hell yeah, I signed up for that 10K. I ran it last year...it was horrid (kind of like childbirth, you forget how bad it ACTUALLY was)....but there were lots of people last year and I took comfort in that. So, I show up at 5:00 p.m. for the run and my van is reading 90 degrees....which in KY means like 135 degrees. I power on. Find a couple of my friends (one is super speedy and I have NO intention of keeping up with her...the other I figure I can hang with for MOST of the time...tho she is super young and spritely)....and then we line up. I look around and find that THIS year...most people are not as stupid as me. Every person around me is a TRUE runner. Like 20 years old (or younger/older) and wearing only sports bras and tighty tight running underwear looking things. Oh...dear...Lord.
The first cross country race that my 6 year old ever ran in, she came in last (to her defense...she doesn't KNOW she was last and she was a kindergartner amongst 1-6th graders...but she also sucks as a runner in general. Sweating is not really her thing.). When I said to her "I am SO proud of you...you FINISHED and never walked!" Her reaction was "Yeah...I couldn't stop or that man on the machine was gonna run over me!" She was of course referring to the 4-wheeler that follows the last runner in....watches for those in need of medical care, etc. Well....that was ME in this 10K for a LONG time. That damned cart was on my heels...and did not do a lot for my self esteem!
FWIW....I was alright until about mile 2.5 when I realize that I have OVER hydated and am now using keugle exercises to keep from pissing my pants....which is only half-way working. Or not working at all as the case may be. I have had 3 kids, for goodness sake!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I mention that it was effing HOT AS HADES???? Yep...by 3.5 miles I was in walk/run mode....I willed myself to finish and run it out at the end. Only b/c my hubby sweet baby boy was there at the end waiting for me. Overall....Most. Horrible .Race. Ever. I finished and said, "Why do I run? I don't even think I LIKE it!?!?!!?" It took me a full hour to finish...a time that I was/am NOT proud of. I went home showered...got 2 yr old in bed...and went to neighbor's house and commenced to making her get drunk with me to kill my mental/physical pain of that race! While there? I got a text from speedy friend who stayed for awards ceremony saying that I PLACED in my age division. Of course, I ask "Does this mean that I placed 3rd in my age group and there were only three of us IN my age group?" Her answer: "NO! You placed SECOND....and there were 2 people in your age group." I drank more wine in celebration. And let me tell you something...my medal better BE IN THE MAIL!!!!!!!!!! It was the worst race of my life and I need proof that i finished, however badly! LOL!
So....in seeing that horrid profile in myself in the mirror caused me to do another knee-jerk action. I ordered a series of DVDs....the Tracy Anderson Method (Metamorphosis). It arrived 2 days ago. There is a 30 min cardio dance section that you are to do daily. The best that I can describe it as is me looking like a fraggle doing something similar to sexy club dancing....except despite my coordination, I don't even REMOTELY resemble TRACY. Lol. Then there is a weight/muscle section that isolates and works on problem areas that you identify. Ummmm.... yeah.....my legs are gonna fall off. That woman is a MACHINE. The program is complete...cardio/weight and resistance training/diet. Of course, her biggest endorser is Gwyneth Paltrow ... Demi and Courtney Cox love her too. And after doing this program for two days like a crippled fraggle...let me tell you. I am certain the program would work if I stayed on the program...it's 6 days on/1 day off. But, that makes it hard to run, which I am going to do. But, that aside..let's say I follow strictly the 90 day plan of 6 days on/1 day off.....Ms. Anderson can shove her dietary advice up her arse. I mean....REALLY...does she think that for a single second I am going to eat pureed carrots and parsnips for the first 4 days of this program? Maybe if I am Gwyn and have someone paid to force feed me and then slap food out of my hands at other time. HELL to the NO...I don't eat BABY food/ And, dear Tracy, when you say you "recommend" 3 glasses of wine per week...you better specify the amount of ozs......I have some BIG wine glasses!!!!!!!!!!
Yet...I will run in the a.m. and Tracy myself in the evening....and I will keep trying to choose the Baked Lay's over other chips....and I will hate ever minute of it.
Happy day, everyone!
Jennifer
Monday, June 27, 2011
Dinner Out....with 3 kids
Seriously...I should just STOP with that title. I mean, it really says it all, doesn't it? Can ANYTHING good come out of going out to eat with 3 children aged 8, 6, and nearly 3? Let me answer you in NO uncertain terms.....Hell to the NO. Nothing good at all.
Our journey began innocently enough...heading to Evansville. Needed to price some "big boy" beds since 2 year old monkey boy can climb both into and out of his crib....obviously for his safety it is time to upgrade....or get a crib tent to cage his little butt in. But, I digress....we were pricing the bedroom suit I liked. I have priced it locally, but wanted to SEE a piece in PERSON and I also knew this specific bedroom suit was being discontinued so I needed to step on it. We (hubby, 3 kids, me) go to the furniture store....I know the EXACT number of the items I want priced....and let me tell you something....I may have been a school teacher but even I know this sales guy SUCKED. He refused to write down prices for me to take with me....so I stole his pen and a piece of HIS scrap paper right in front of him and wrote it down myself. He wanted to know my exact quotes from the Oboro places I had been too....I refused to tell him. Actually, I lied and said I did not have the prices with me...wanted to do all my cross checking at home. Well, he was not happy with me on this issue. Shoots me a VERY high price and says "Just call with your quotes and I will match them." Yes, I will not be purchasing from you Evasville man! Spit! But, the best part of this escapade...is that while he is pretending that he can't pull up prices on the computer for me to see (lie)....my kids are going ape sh*t crazy. Jumping on beds...trying to climb the bunks....my poor hubby is near heart attack level. I loved that the sales guy was like, "So, you don't want THIS bunk bed that's on clearance here?" A. I wasn't pricing the effing bunk bed. B. Did he not SEE my children? My kids would KILL themselves with access to bunk beds! Idiot.
So, off our happy family heads (already on edge after that hair raising experience of NO ONE doing what they are supposed to be doing) to Outback Steakhouse. Good choice for our lil guy with egg and peanut/tree nut allergies. Our fun starts with my 2 year old SCREECHING b/c he doesn't want to sit in the high chair. I am certain all patrons around us are already huge FANS of ours. He gets settled in and begins coloring the menu, the table, himself. His drink comes in a stryfoam cup that he immediately starts trying to poke holes in...hubby has to go to the van and get the sippie cup that he left in the car to use from that point forward....cut to more screaming from 2 year old. It only seems like 600 years before food arrives and during that time I assess that my 8 year old and 6 year old must both be hard of hearing....they talk as LOUD as any kids ever. I am shushing them...2 year old is yelling random things...girls are laughing and instigating the situation. Bad. Everyone finally gets food....Vince with his grilled chicken and French fries all allergen friendly. Well, of course the only thing he WANTS are the French fries. I start trying to feed him the chicken...that ends in more screeching.
Out of no where? My 2 year old screams, "I need to potty!" I ignore, I mean it is a public restroom and I KNOW kids just like the adventure...we all know he won't even go at HOME. He persists. So, I bargain with him...."Take a bite of chicken and I will take you to the potty". He of course scarfs down a piece immediately....off we head. Of course, I have to put his SHOES on him first, as he ditched those and THREW them across the restaurant within 5 minutes of arriving at the restaurant. Sweet. We get into the bathroom and I will commend Outback for clean restrooms! We head to the handicapped stall (go ahead and argue the point...but having a 2 year old who wants to "go" constitutes as a handicap in my book). My 2 year old is arguing that he wants to STAND to go...not so much...I force him onto the toilet seat...he touches EVERY SINGLE SURFACE KNOWN TO MAN AND BEAST...passes gas...and says "All done!" Seriously?????????? Yes. And, by this point, he has diaper off, pants off, and yes shoes off. I am freaking out (germaphobe) and trying to AT LEAST get his shoes on him. Nope. He has to be fully diapered and have his shorts back on before he agrees to put his shoes back on! Again, very nice. We wash hand thoroughly...only to have a towel dispenser that is JAMMED. I unjam the mother...and turn to find my 2 year old cleaning the floor with his HANDS. Rewash. Lovely. Back to table.
I had, inadvertently, promised both of my girls they could have dessert after dinner. I had bribed Sarah at swim practice if she didn't grab a life guard while swimming or the lane line that she could have ice cream....and Reese "won" the family art contest (that she set up herself and I was the judge...it was only between her and her father...), so both had "earned" dessert as a reward. Well, listen, dinner was OVER people...I was ready to go. While the girls are eating dessert and laughing INCESSANTLY and LOUDLY... I am still trying to force feed my 2 year old grilled chicken. I have hidden all his French fries...and the hubby has the idea that maybe young Jedi would eat his chicken if he has a dip....like A1. In he dives...and screeches, "It burns my mouth! It really does!!!!" From that point on....he is "scared" of the chicken. Obviously. He is also asking for dessert...and we are telling him that he hasn't eaten enough chicken....it's a bad circle of circumstances.
The ride home is no better. Both girls know they are in trouble for their constant loudness and laughing. When I told them I was disappointed in them for "encouraging" their brother....my 6 year old looked at me and said, "Yeah...we were ENCOURAGING him to eat his chicken, I would THINK you'd be happy!" Oh heavens! 2 year old is yelling that he wants to see the river all....the...way....home.
In short, I reallllly do not recommended outings with 3 children....especially to public places...where you have to use public restrooms...and ruin not only your own meals, but also the meals of others.
Happy day, all!
xoxo Jennifer
Our journey began innocently enough...heading to Evansville. Needed to price some "big boy" beds since 2 year old monkey boy can climb both into and out of his crib....obviously for his safety it is time to upgrade....or get a crib tent to cage his little butt in. But, I digress....we were pricing the bedroom suit I liked. I have priced it locally, but wanted to SEE a piece in PERSON and I also knew this specific bedroom suit was being discontinued so I needed to step on it. We (hubby, 3 kids, me) go to the furniture store....I know the EXACT number of the items I want priced....and let me tell you something....I may have been a school teacher but even I know this sales guy SUCKED. He refused to write down prices for me to take with me....so I stole his pen and a piece of HIS scrap paper right in front of him and wrote it down myself. He wanted to know my exact quotes from the Oboro places I had been too....I refused to tell him. Actually, I lied and said I did not have the prices with me...wanted to do all my cross checking at home. Well, he was not happy with me on this issue. Shoots me a VERY high price and says "Just call with your quotes and I will match them." Yes, I will not be purchasing from you Evasville man! Spit! But, the best part of this escapade...is that while he is pretending that he can't pull up prices on the computer for me to see (lie)....my kids are going ape sh*t crazy. Jumping on beds...trying to climb the bunks....my poor hubby is near heart attack level. I loved that the sales guy was like, "So, you don't want THIS bunk bed that's on clearance here?" A. I wasn't pricing the effing bunk bed. B. Did he not SEE my children? My kids would KILL themselves with access to bunk beds! Idiot.
So, off our happy family heads (already on edge after that hair raising experience of NO ONE doing what they are supposed to be doing) to Outback Steakhouse. Good choice for our lil guy with egg and peanut/tree nut allergies. Our fun starts with my 2 year old SCREECHING b/c he doesn't want to sit in the high chair. I am certain all patrons around us are already huge FANS of ours. He gets settled in and begins coloring the menu, the table, himself. His drink comes in a stryfoam cup that he immediately starts trying to poke holes in...hubby has to go to the van and get the sippie cup that he left in the car to use from that point forward....cut to more screaming from 2 year old. It only seems like 600 years before food arrives and during that time I assess that my 8 year old and 6 year old must both be hard of hearing....they talk as LOUD as any kids ever. I am shushing them...2 year old is yelling random things...girls are laughing and instigating the situation. Bad. Everyone finally gets food....Vince with his grilled chicken and French fries all allergen friendly. Well, of course the only thing he WANTS are the French fries. I start trying to feed him the chicken...that ends in more screeching.
Out of no where? My 2 year old screams, "I need to potty!" I ignore, I mean it is a public restroom and I KNOW kids just like the adventure...we all know he won't even go at HOME. He persists. So, I bargain with him...."Take a bite of chicken and I will take you to the potty". He of course scarfs down a piece immediately....off we head. Of course, I have to put his SHOES on him first, as he ditched those and THREW them across the restaurant within 5 minutes of arriving at the restaurant. Sweet. We get into the bathroom and I will commend Outback for clean restrooms! We head to the handicapped stall (go ahead and argue the point...but having a 2 year old who wants to "go" constitutes as a handicap in my book). My 2 year old is arguing that he wants to STAND to go...not so much...I force him onto the toilet seat...he touches EVERY SINGLE SURFACE KNOWN TO MAN AND BEAST...passes gas...and says "All done!" Seriously?????????? Yes. And, by this point, he has diaper off, pants off, and yes shoes off. I am freaking out (germaphobe) and trying to AT LEAST get his shoes on him. Nope. He has to be fully diapered and have his shorts back on before he agrees to put his shoes back on! Again, very nice. We wash hand thoroughly...only to have a towel dispenser that is JAMMED. I unjam the mother...and turn to find my 2 year old cleaning the floor with his HANDS. Rewash. Lovely. Back to table.
I had, inadvertently, promised both of my girls they could have dessert after dinner. I had bribed Sarah at swim practice if she didn't grab a life guard while swimming or the lane line that she could have ice cream....and Reese "won" the family art contest (that she set up herself and I was the judge...it was only between her and her father...), so both had "earned" dessert as a reward. Well, listen, dinner was OVER people...I was ready to go. While the girls are eating dessert and laughing INCESSANTLY and LOUDLY... I am still trying to force feed my 2 year old grilled chicken. I have hidden all his French fries...and the hubby has the idea that maybe young Jedi would eat his chicken if he has a dip....like A1. In he dives...and screeches, "It burns my mouth! It really does!!!!" From that point on....he is "scared" of the chicken. Obviously. He is also asking for dessert...and we are telling him that he hasn't eaten enough chicken....it's a bad circle of circumstances.
The ride home is no better. Both girls know they are in trouble for their constant loudness and laughing. When I told them I was disappointed in them for "encouraging" their brother....my 6 year old looked at me and said, "Yeah...we were ENCOURAGING him to eat his chicken, I would THINK you'd be happy!" Oh heavens! 2 year old is yelling that he wants to see the river all....the...way....home.
In short, I reallllly do not recommended outings with 3 children....especially to public places...where you have to use public restrooms...and ruin not only your own meals, but also the meals of others.
Happy day, all!
xoxo Jennifer
Friday, June 24, 2011
Oh Poo....
I have said this once...and I will say it again...unless you are a mother or a pediatrician you have NO idea how much time is actually spent discussing the intestinal issues of children. Basically parents/drs examine and analyze every BM that a child passes...it's a constant conversation piece when I am running in the a.m. with my friends. Sad, but true. So, AGAIN, like I have said....put on your big kid pants and deal with it. This is blog is about Poo.
Bottom line? I am fairly certain that Vince is going to be heading off to college in a diaper...by that time, I will hopefully have taught him to at least WIPE and change himself...but I am shuttering at the amount of $$ I will be shelling out for pullups...especially once alcohol gets introduced to his system. And, we all KNOW, that this will NOT happen until his junion yr of college when he is 21 years old, thank you VERY much. But , I digress...
I knew that this summer (the summer before he turns 3 in August) was the time to start potty training. I was also totally prepared for the fact that boys TYPICALLY train later than girls. Reese was totally trained and wearing undies by 3....Sarah even earlier (she taught herself....the same way she is going to teach herself to silently override the household security system later in her life and sneak out to meet boys....I am not stupid, people....). Sooooo....we try.
First stop? The "potty watch"....it sings a song every 20-30 min to remind the child to sit on the potty and give it a try. Yeah...he spent the enture day trying to get the watch OFF and pushing buttons that caused the watch to NOT chime on time, etc. Problematic. I put that idea away in a drawer.
Next stop? Pull-ups.....CARS version. We LOVE us some Lightning McQueen in this house. It would be HORRENDOUS to soil McQueen....one would THINK. Yeah...I set the timer on the oven to go off every 20 min (and had my sweet sitter do the same thing that day), we made him sit every time the timer beeped. Never ONCE did he go...except IN the pull up. Literally, he would sit and hold it...then pee in the diaper the SECOND I pulled his pants up. Jerkstore. And poo + pullups = UGLY.....so, bag that idea (literally bag it in a ziploc and send it to the dumpster) and abandon that ship for a bit as well.
Funny anecdotes? #1. My son is the ONLY one of my children to ever actually poo in a swim diaper. And ANYONE who has dealt with this situation knows/feels my PAIN. It's almost like chlorinated water is an enema for this kid! He literally, on two separate occassions, got OUT of the pool, came to me and said, "I gotta poop! Let's go change my diaper!" Yep....already GONE in his pants. Again...jerkstore. I had that moment of "Do I try and deal with this problem with just wipes/towel or hose him down in the SHOWER?")
#2. He walked INTO the bathroom today....and walked out with me. Immediately I can smell him. I ask, "Why in the world did you poop in your diaper while you were STANDING in the bathroom? Poop goes in the potty, honey." My son responded, "I didn't go in the bathroom....I went in the living room." Sweet. Touche young Jedi.....
So bascially, I KNOW my kid is smart enough and capable enough to potty train....he just doesn't want to. I am tempted to sent his naked butt out back and let whatever happen just HAPPEN. I know this works for others....but I can just imagine a REALLY bad scene. My son DID just fingerpaint his crib pad with poo not too long ago. When asked WHY he put his hand in poo....he responded, " I didn't....I just put it in a toot...and then washed it off" -- he said this while giving a sweeping motion across his chest....where you coudl see the brown streaks of his artwork. Nice stuff.
So, yeah, your words of encouragement will help....but I am just happy that diapers.com sells in bulk and has free home (or college) delivery... (that's for all you extreme couponers out there....a SWEET website that I did not discover until baby #3...damnit! And....you couponers are on my list to to-dos for blogging...even tho I love you! Along with other blogs to address chaos at kids' events and us Type A moms that can NOT freaking take it!!!!!!!!).
Much love all...have a fantab weekend!
xoxo Jennifer
Bottom line? I am fairly certain that Vince is going to be heading off to college in a diaper...by that time, I will hopefully have taught him to at least WIPE and change himself...but I am shuttering at the amount of $$ I will be shelling out for pullups...especially once alcohol gets introduced to his system. And, we all KNOW, that this will NOT happen until his junion yr of college when he is 21 years old, thank you VERY much. But , I digress...
I knew that this summer (the summer before he turns 3 in August) was the time to start potty training. I was also totally prepared for the fact that boys TYPICALLY train later than girls. Reese was totally trained and wearing undies by 3....Sarah even earlier (she taught herself....the same way she is going to teach herself to silently override the household security system later in her life and sneak out to meet boys....I am not stupid, people....). Sooooo....we try.
First stop? The "potty watch"....it sings a song every 20-30 min to remind the child to sit on the potty and give it a try. Yeah...he spent the enture day trying to get the watch OFF and pushing buttons that caused the watch to NOT chime on time, etc. Problematic. I put that idea away in a drawer.
Next stop? Pull-ups.....CARS version. We LOVE us some Lightning McQueen in this house. It would be HORRENDOUS to soil McQueen....one would THINK. Yeah...I set the timer on the oven to go off every 20 min (and had my sweet sitter do the same thing that day), we made him sit every time the timer beeped. Never ONCE did he go...except IN the pull up. Literally, he would sit and hold it...then pee in the diaper the SECOND I pulled his pants up. Jerkstore. And poo + pullups = UGLY.....so, bag that idea (literally bag it in a ziploc and send it to the dumpster) and abandon that ship for a bit as well.
Funny anecdotes? #1. My son is the ONLY one of my children to ever actually poo in a swim diaper. And ANYONE who has dealt with this situation knows/feels my PAIN. It's almost like chlorinated water is an enema for this kid! He literally, on two separate occassions, got OUT of the pool, came to me and said, "I gotta poop! Let's go change my diaper!" Yep....already GONE in his pants. Again...jerkstore. I had that moment of "Do I try and deal with this problem with just wipes/towel or hose him down in the SHOWER?")
#2. He walked INTO the bathroom today....and walked out with me. Immediately I can smell him. I ask, "Why in the world did you poop in your diaper while you were STANDING in the bathroom? Poop goes in the potty, honey." My son responded, "I didn't go in the bathroom....I went in the living room." Sweet. Touche young Jedi.....
So bascially, I KNOW my kid is smart enough and capable enough to potty train....he just doesn't want to. I am tempted to sent his naked butt out back and let whatever happen just HAPPEN. I know this works for others....but I can just imagine a REALLY bad scene. My son DID just fingerpaint his crib pad with poo not too long ago. When asked WHY he put his hand in poo....he responded, " I didn't....I just put it in a toot...and then washed it off" -- he said this while giving a sweeping motion across his chest....where you coudl see the brown streaks of his artwork. Nice stuff.
So, yeah, your words of encouragement will help....but I am just happy that diapers.com sells in bulk and has free home (or college) delivery... (that's for all you extreme couponers out there....a SWEET website that I did not discover until baby #3...damnit! And....you couponers are on my list to to-dos for blogging...even tho I love you! Along with other blogs to address chaos at kids' events and us Type A moms that can NOT freaking take it!!!!!!!!).
Much love all...have a fantab weekend!
xoxo Jennifer
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Early Onset Dementia
It is a hard burden to bear....but after giving birth to 3 children, I have officially been left with approximately 50 brain cells....and those are failing me or being slowly killed off by Pinot Noir. So, here I am 35 years old (yes, STILL younger than all my classmates...pbbbbbbt! You THOUGHT you were cool when you could drive legally/drink legally before me....but whose laughing NOW?!) and dealing with what I can only describe as early onset dementia. Here is a recount of my day....as written through the eyes of my LOST KEYS:
Yep...Jennifer is a special gal. "Special" as in she needs both hands to find her rear-end a good portion of the time. Today, I spent the entire day laying in wait as she frantically searched for me...screeching "WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS?" "HOW COULD I HAVE LOST THEM?" "WHERE COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE?" and other variations thereof. The answer, of course, is that I was RIGHT WHERE SHE LEFT ME. Idiot. She really does have some sort of memory problem. Literally, she frantically texted friends about me...retraced her steps since her last TRUE memory of having me was when she drove to/from church...and literally turned the house UPSIDE DOWN. She was CERTAIN that her 2 year old had grabbed them off the counter and hidden them somewhere. She tore apart every toy box, went through every cabinet and drawer, she even looked in the refrigerator! Again, IDIOT.
Next step? Call the people who drove her Pinot Noir-ed butt home last night....b/c CERTAINLY us keys must had fallen out of her purse in their truck. Really? Buy a dang purse that ZIPS up and closes all the way. No way us keys would fall out. No, Jennifer, we are NOT in the floorboard of the car! Next stop... she runs into another person who was in the same restaurant as her last night and asks if THEY saw us (her keys). Ummm....no. Although that humongous pink keychain that we are on and she wears around her wrist while typically toting one of her 3 crying children around to some extracurrirular activity that they are b*tching about going to but she is MAKING them attend b/c it is "good for them" would be REALLY hard to miss. I swear, she is a hot mess.
Step 3? Go and comb the grass and parking lot of the restaurant. The restaurant was not open today, so she could not call. Of course, this is a NO GO. That's not where she PUT us. Idiot.
What is best about this story is that Jennifer has NO idea that she never even HAD us...the WHOLE night. She had her 8 year old lock the door behind them when they LEFT the house...and they (evidentally) used her husband's keys to get back in. Neither of them could REMEMBER this. Again...special, pinot noir-ed, early onset dementia girl we are dealing with here.
So....have we been found? Yes. By Jennifer or her hoard of 3 children that tore up the whole house? No. By Jennifer's husband. Because we were laying on the back floorbard of his truck. She failed to remember that when she got home from church, the FIRST thing her hubby asked her to do was secure the 2 year old's car seat in his truck. Down went the keys....and there we sat ALLLLL day watching her crazy a$$ run around the house acting the fool. Geez. Someone get this chick some ginko biloba....or another glass of Pinot....whatever!
And fwiw, what is she doing right NOW? After tearing this house up and realizing that they WHOLE place needs to be de-hoarded and organized? She's writing a freaking blog entry from the point of view of her KEYS. Dang. That's totally normal.....
xoxo Jennifer's keys
Have a great night all!
Yep...Jennifer is a special gal. "Special" as in she needs both hands to find her rear-end a good portion of the time. Today, I spent the entire day laying in wait as she frantically searched for me...screeching "WHERE ARE MY CAR KEYS?" "HOW COULD I HAVE LOST THEM?" "WHERE COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE?" and other variations thereof. The answer, of course, is that I was RIGHT WHERE SHE LEFT ME. Idiot. She really does have some sort of memory problem. Literally, she frantically texted friends about me...retraced her steps since her last TRUE memory of having me was when she drove to/from church...and literally turned the house UPSIDE DOWN. She was CERTAIN that her 2 year old had grabbed them off the counter and hidden them somewhere. She tore apart every toy box, went through every cabinet and drawer, she even looked in the refrigerator! Again, IDIOT.
Next step? Call the people who drove her Pinot Noir-ed butt home last night....b/c CERTAINLY us keys must had fallen out of her purse in their truck. Really? Buy a dang purse that ZIPS up and closes all the way. No way us keys would fall out. No, Jennifer, we are NOT in the floorboard of the car! Next stop... she runs into another person who was in the same restaurant as her last night and asks if THEY saw us (her keys). Ummm....no. Although that humongous pink keychain that we are on and she wears around her wrist while typically toting one of her 3 crying children around to some extracurrirular activity that they are b*tching about going to but she is MAKING them attend b/c it is "good for them" would be REALLY hard to miss. I swear, she is a hot mess.
Step 3? Go and comb the grass and parking lot of the restaurant. The restaurant was not open today, so she could not call. Of course, this is a NO GO. That's not where she PUT us. Idiot.
What is best about this story is that Jennifer has NO idea that she never even HAD us...the WHOLE night. She had her 8 year old lock the door behind them when they LEFT the house...and they (evidentally) used her husband's keys to get back in. Neither of them could REMEMBER this. Again...special, pinot noir-ed, early onset dementia girl we are dealing with here.
So....have we been found? Yes. By Jennifer or her hoard of 3 children that tore up the whole house? No. By Jennifer's husband. Because we were laying on the back floorbard of his truck. She failed to remember that when she got home from church, the FIRST thing her hubby asked her to do was secure the 2 year old's car seat in his truck. Down went the keys....and there we sat ALLLLL day watching her crazy a$$ run around the house acting the fool. Geez. Someone get this chick some ginko biloba....or another glass of Pinot....whatever!
And fwiw, what is she doing right NOW? After tearing this house up and realizing that they WHOLE place needs to be de-hoarded and organized? She's writing a freaking blog entry from the point of view of her KEYS. Dang. That's totally normal.....
xoxo Jennifer's keys
Have a great night all!
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